


Lister is Like the Fried Egg, Chili, Chutney Sandwich

by Zero_Sugar



Category: Red Dwarf (UK TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence / AU, Comedy, Drunken Confessions, Eventual Romance, Fluff, I live for awkward moments, M/M, Parallel Universe (episode) - Freefrom, Thanks For the Memory (episode), a lot of fluff, my pen name is ironic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:54:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 39,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23858668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zero_Sugar/pseuds/Zero_Sugar
Summary: The drunken fried egg, chilli, chutney sandwich conversation, but it goes in a different direction; Rimmer accidentally confesses he fancies Lister and panics. Lister wants to keep the peace, The Cat wants shiny things, and Holly spent three million years in deep space alone (with the skutters)... the man wants a bit of entertainment. Starts as a small Canon Divergence, will end up entire AU.
Relationships: Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer
Comments: 72
Kudos: 84





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everybody,
> 
> I posted this on Tumblr originally a couple of years ago, but now I'm trying to complete it. The Rimmer/Lister pairing is the most difficult pairing I've ever seen (that's plausible I mean... if we're talking strictly difficult, then I think Harry/Voldemort takes the cake). I admire the fandom's writers for tackling this difficult duo and I hope to do well in it myself.
> 
> Constructive critisism and suggestions are welcome! I'm not a fanfic writer, so it'd help so much to have support while I write this xD
> 
> ~ Zero

“You wot?” Holly replied wearing a night cap in a clear show he was about to go to sleep, if he wasn't already sleeping. “I’m jiggered, man.”

Lister gave him a funny look. “Oh come on, you don’t sleep.” Lister said incredulously.

“Course I do.” Holly replied, sounding slightly offended. “I’ve got to go offline. I can’t keep up my four till four power maximum hot pace all the time. I’ve got to take the odd breather, haven’t I?”

Rimmer’s head snapped up from a slight daze. “I want-" He started loudly, grabbing Holly's attention "-a triple friend egg sandwich with…”

“Chili sauce and chutney.” Lister finished for him.

Holly scrunched his nose in disgust. “You wot?”

“It’s a state of the art sarnie.” Lister replied, a slight grin on his face.

“It’s the state of the floor I’m worried about.” Holly quipped before quickly giving in. “All right. Okay.”

The holographic sandwich appeared in Rimmer’s hand looking remarkably innocent and normal. Despite this, Rimmer felt a little nervous at consuming such a sandwich.

“Trust me.” Lister said, somehow easing Rimmer's thoughts. Normally Rimmer wouldn't trust the bloke, but as he was really rather pished, Rimmer found himself giving into the chirpy little goit far more easily than he'd ever normally consider.

Throwing what little caution he had right now to the non-existent wind, Rimmer taken an apprehensive, but very large bite of the sandwich, grease spilling out from the corner.

A rainbow of emotions flew across Rimmer’s face. At first, he seemed unsure, then he appeared to actually enjoy it, but then his face twisted into disgust, a horrified look in his eyes. “ _I feel like I’m having a baby!_ ”

Lister nodded. “It’s good innit?” He grinned, he didn’t expect Rimmer to agree with him on anything, let alone his questionable taste in food. Perhaps Rimmer was much more of an agreeable sort of bloke when his guards were down. In fact, this entire night proved that Rimmer was actually kinda fun to hang around with, providing he removes some of those carefully cemented bricks from that wall he'd built. Lister didn't spend too long pondering on the new information.

“It’s incredible - Where did you get the recipe from?”

“I can’t remember… I think it was a book on bacteriological warfare.”

Rimmer studied the sandwich for a second, still trying to chew what he had bitten off. “It’s like a cross between food and bowel surgery.”

Lister nodded in agreement. “It’s well naughty. The trouble is you’ve got to eat it before the bread dissolves.”

Rimmer struggled to understand just exactly what he was enjoying from the sandwich. It's gone and thrown his concept of expectations off, distantly recognising he's understanding something new.

“I could never invent a sandwich like this, Lister.” Rimmer started, sounding as serious as a drunken man with a mouth half-filled with a sandwich abomination can get. “You see, all the ingredients are wrong. The friend eggs, wrong. The chutney, wrong. The chilli sauce, all wrong…”

He pauses and holds the sandwich up slightly higher as if searching for a divine answer. “…but put them together and somehow it works. It becomes right.” The man was now smiling. Hes just clicked it into place, the new understanding. It should have been obvious, really.

“It’s you.” He declared. "This sandwich, Lister, is you.”

Lister stared for a beat, confused. “What are you saying to me, Rimmer?”

“You’re wrong, right? All your ingredients are wrong.” He began listing. “You’re slobby. You’ve got no sense of discipline. You’re the only man ever to get his money back from the Odour Eater people.”

Lister, slightly offended, briefly considered defending himself, but he was too interested in where exactly Rimmer was going with his and held his tongue.

“But people like you. Don’t you see?” Rimmer carried on. “That’s why you’re a fried egg, chilli, chutney sandwich.” He paused for a moment, taking a breath. “Now me, now me-”

“I don’t get what you’re trying to tell me here, Rimmer.” Lister cut in getting slightly impatient, derailing Rimmer’s thought process.

“You’re a fried egg, chilli, chutney sandwich.” Rimmer repeated. Lister rolled his eyes.

“I thought you liked it?”

“YES!” Rimmer grinned, extending his arms. “Yes, I liked it. But I shouldn’t have. By all accounts it should be the most disgusting thing I’ve ever had the dis-pleasure to shove in my mouth, but it isn’t.”

Lister smirked and gave a little naughty snort. “So what are you telling me here? That you’d like to put me in your mouth?” He giggled to himself, shaking his head.

“Precisely!” Rimmer exclaimed, Lister’s giggling stopped.

“Eh?”

“You should be the most- no, you _are_ the most disgusting creature ever, but for some ungodly reason, I want to eat you like this sandwich.”

Lister stared for a long second. “Er, Rimmer? I don’t think I understand what you mean.”

“You think it’s been easy for me?” Rimmer complained, now looking slightly pitiful. “Every day I’ve had to share my living quarters with a man whose socks could grow an entirely new species, but at the same time- at the _same time_ , I’ve had to put up more and more barriers because for some absurd and, frankly, terrifying reason - I like you.”

Lister sat up straighter, staring at his bunkmate, confused and, if he was honest with himself, slightly hopeful. “You do?”

“Yes, and I don’t like it.”

“…you don’t?”

“No, because you’re not interested. You’d never be interested… not that I’d have the guts to try.”

Something dim registered in Lister's brain. If he had been sober, he'd have processed this in a way more helpful than mild confusion, but at least he realised Rimmer was having a bit of a break down. “Rimmer-” Lister started gently but was cut off.

“I want to eat you, Lister. Like this sandwich.” Rimmer paused and squinted at the sandwich, seeming to consider what he is saying. “I shouldn’t like you, Lister, but I do. A lot. I don’t know why.” Before Lister could respond to that, Rimmer put his arms up over his head and whined, dropping the sandwich (which immediately dissolved into nothing). He slid down the chair and landed on the floor where he just laid down and began staring at the ceiling.

“Rimmer, man, you okay?” Lister asked, now worried.

“No. My father would kill me.” Rimmer whimpered, staring impassively at the ceiling. “My entire family would. I disappoint them in every way possible, and I keep inventing new ways to be hated by them.” Rimmer’s voice broke on the last word, and Lister’s heart flipped in sympathy. Immediately, Lister got up off the chair and sat next to Rimmer on the floor.

“Why’s that?” He asked, gently.

Rimmer gave another whine and put an arm over his, now watery, eyes. “I’m not a captain. I’m not even an officer. I’m a second-technician coward who always fails exams, and now I fancy a bloke who eats his own toenail clippings.”

Oh. _Oh_.

Lister chewed his lip for a moment, unsure of what to say. After a short silence which felt longer than it was, he spoke gently. “I didn’t- I had no idea that’s how you felt about me, Rimmer…I don’t know what to say, I always thought you hated me…”

There was no reply. Lister became worried again. “Rimmer?” He prodded gently, trying to look beyond the arms covering his face.

Still no reply.

“Rimmer?” He asked slightly louder and was answered with a soft snore coming from the hologram.

Lister let out a relieved breath. At least this gave him time to actually think about what Rimmer had just told him.

-

Note: This chapter was modified on 05.06.2020.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, Rimmer sprang out of bed and began his usual morning exercises to the military trumpet music he made with his mouth (something he only did when sharing with other people, in a futile attempt to prove he was the man of discipline he tried to project, that and to prove to Lister just how healthy his lifestyle is).

A memory flashed before his eyes and he paused. Did he drink too much? Suppose not, he wasn’t hungover. One of very few the benefits of being a hologram, he supposed. Not that he drank enough before he died to experience such hangovers anyway.

Rimmer shrugged and carried on. Another flash. He _voluntarily_ ate that sandwich? Oh well, at least it couldn’t poison him. Shrugging again, Rimmer moved to begin another exercise when yet another memory came to him.

Oh.

 _Smeg_.

Rimmer stuffed his fist into his mouth in horror and shrank slowly down to his bed. Would Lister remember? Smegging well hope not. He would, wouldn’t he? He usually handles his alcohol well. Does that mean less chance of memory loss? That’s not how alcohol works right? Maybe? Hopefully not. Rimmer sprang up from his bed and turned to Lister, staring at him with wild worried eyes. Lister, meanwhile, was sound asleep wearing a curry-stained T-shirt and sucking his thumb. Rimmer's nose scrunched up in disgust. What he'd never tell anybody was that the disgust was actually aimed at himself for finding the little goit cute as opposed to what the unsanitary goit was actually doing.

Lister made a little noise and moved slightly as he slept. Rimmer panicked and bolted out of their room. He didn’t stop until he had put considerable distance between them. He began pacing. He had to do something. Anything. Surely there is something he could say to make Lister believe it was just a dream. Or a joke? Yes, of course. A joke. Arnold J Rimmer is always coming up with good knee-slappers. Oh, just the other day, Lister had sat on a pin, he had sat on a pin and Rimmer had joked about him having a holey bottom. It was hilarious. Lister didn’t laugh, of course, and The Cat just stared at him as if he’d just rolled around in dog-muck and declared himself the King of Piles… and he supposed Holly didn’t laugh neither…

Oh, but Arnold J Rimmer could definitely crack a good one from time-to-time. Yes, he could pull this off.

With renewed confidence, Rimmer marched back into their bunk room as Lister was just waking up.

“Ah! Good morning, Lister.” Rimmer smiled, holding himself up high. “Lazing around as usual. You should try to be more like me, I’ve been up for hours. Working. Getting things done. Not that you’d understand anything about hard work, Lister.”

Lister didn’t reply, he just groaned as his head throbbed. Rimmer noticed that he, himself, still had his pyjamas on and hurried on before Lister could realise and call him out on his lies.

“You were really putting it away last night, Lister.”

Lister hissed in pain as he sat up slowly.

“You really fell for my joke, didn’t you?” Rimmer’s heart was pounding as his nerves threatened to overtake him. Which was utterly ridiculous as he didn’t even have a heart…but he was now uncomfortably aware that it was being simulated for him.

He didn’t let it show, however, as he shook his head and grinned.

“That I-Secretly-Fancy-You gag. Imagine falling for that one, ey?” Rimmer’s heart began pounding ten times quicker as he met Lister’s disbelieving eyes. A cold sense of dread rushed through him.

He wasn’t getting out of this one.

Rimmer was quick to snap as he hurried forward on his knees, a desperate look in his eyes. “I’ll give you my telescope. Anything. Please, God, don’t mention it or tell anyone.”

Lister just stared for a beat, thinking of what to say. Which was rather hard considering he was hungover. He knew one thing for sure: They cannot just ignore the conversation and pretend nothing ever happened. Nothing ever good comes from ignoring these things.

“Rimmer-” Lister began, but was cut off.

“No, Lister. Last night meant nothing!” Rimmer rushed out. “I didn’t mean a word I said!”

Lister would have rolled his eyes if they didn't feel like they were being removed from his skull. “Rimmer-”

“Lister, I’ve told you! Don’t mention it. Ever. That’s an order!”

Lister let out an exasperated puff. He was too hungover for this. He groaned from the throbbing in his head and brought his hand up to massage his eyes for a bit. Perhaps he should leave it for a while? Leave it for sometime when he's not hungover, grab a few more hours of sleep and wake up to a good curry first.

Except leaving Rimmer to stew like this sounds selfish.

Lister took a deep breath; "Rimmer-" he started and stopped to find Rimmer blissfully unaware that his pyjamas had suddenly morphed into what resembled a patchwork quilt: all bits of different clothing everywhere. He was also now wearing a pirate hat trimmed with feathers. His new ensemble was complete with the rainbow-coloured unicorn slippers.

“Er…Rimmer?”

“Listy, Listy, Lister. What have I told you. Can’t you take a joke?” Rimmer forced another grin and shook his head, perhaps, he thought desperately, he could avoid any sort of conversation by reverting back to the joke excuse.

“Rimmer, man, look in the mirror.” Rimmer’s grin vanished, replaced by a look of suspicion.

“ _Why?_ ”

Lister jumped down from his bunk with a wobble and a groan and some nausea he forced back down. He turned to face the mirror and urged Rimmer to look in it.

“Just look, will ya?”

Rimmer frowned but couldn’t stop his eyes from taking a quick glance. He did a double take and jumped in shock.

“What the smeg!” He exclaimed walking closer for a better look. “HOLLY!” He bellowed.

Holly appeared on the screen replacing the mirror. “Sup, dudes.” He greeted before noticing Rimmer’s clothes. “What happened to you?”

“What happened to-? HOLLY! What on _Io_ am I wearing?” Rimmer demanded. Lister snorted and stood next to Rimmer, looking him up and down, giggling, his folded arms bouncing on his chest. Despite being hungover with a throbbing headache, he was still enjoying this. Rimmer turned from Holly to give Lister a quick look of hatred. Lister returned the scowl with a cheeky grin which gave Rimmer a new wave of frustration. God, he hated how much he loved that grin.

“Looks like you fell in three-year-old’s Dress-Up-Box to me.” Rimmer turned back to Holly with a deeper scowl.

“Holly!”

“Yeah, yeah, keep your suspenders on, I’ll have a look.” Holly said and vanished for a brief moment.

“Ah.” He said upon returning.

“Ah?” Rimmer prompted.

“Well…it looks like your disk has gotten corrupted.” Rimmer’s eyes widened in shock and worry.

“Corrupted?” Lister asked. “How?”

“Dunno.” Holly replied. “It might just be one of those things.”

“Can it be fixed?” Rimmer asked.

“Should be fixable, yeah, I’ll go see what I can do.” Holly said and vanished again. Rimmer and Lister shared a quick look of worry and confusion.

“Don’t worry, _Rimmeh_.” Lister smiled. “You’ll be back in those tight trousers of yours in no time.” He said with a cheeky grin and a wink.

Rimmer went rigid at that, Lister blinked and frowned slightly at himself; _That probably wasn't the best thing to say now was it_. Before Rimmer could do anything, though, his outfit melted away and was replaced by his usual uniform. Holly returned to the screen.

“I’ve got good news and bad news.” He said in his usual bland tone. “The good news is that you’re disk is completely fixable. The bad news is that fixing your visual projection created an error in your personality files, for some odd reason, and would take a while to fix properly.”

“What?” Rimmer asked. “How? Why? Is that even possible?”

“I just said I dunno. Bloody computer’s got a mind of its own.”

“Hol, that’s you.” Lister pointed out.

“…oh yeah.” Lister rolled his eyes.

“What’s the error?” Rimmer asked.

“Well… it looks as if you’ve momentarily lost some your inhibitions, and you’ll be a bit impulsive for the time being. Nothing major.” Rimmer went rigid and wide-eyed, and Lister side-eyed him.

“How long would it take, Hol?” Lister asked.

“Oh just a couple of hours, a couple of weeks. Not long.” Lister nodded a little.

“Okay, thanks, Hol.” He said, and Holly vanished.

Rimmer slowly, rigidly, turned to look at Lister.

Lister stared back, an eyebrow raised and a Cheshire Cat grin slowly spreading across his face.

Rimmer bolted.

-

This chapter was modified on 05.06.2020


	3. Chapter 3

" _YEOWWW_ " A screech echoed along an empty corridor before the creature known as "The Cat" jumped into view. He was donning a new purple ensemble made of what appears to be suede with silk black lapels, cute little shiny black buttons and a silver-diamond pin decorating his right breast. " _Wow_ I look good!" He exclaimed enthusiastically to absolutely nobody. He whipped out a silver hand mirror and admired himself. "I'm lookin' _fine!_ "

The creature started to dance along the corridor, still admiring himself. "My hair looks fine, my clothes look fine and my ass-" He paused to turn to look at his rear in his mirror. "Yep! Lookin' fine!"

Rimmer, being a hologram, made no noise as he legged it down the hallway. He was also too stuck in his thoughts to register the cat's screeching, mind wheeling over _just exactly what he admitted_ the night previous and the horrifying prospect of living his life willing to just _do_ things he wants to!

When Rimmer rounded the next turn, neither he nor Cat registered the other as Rimmer ran straight through Cat. His light bee, being the only solid part of him, got trapped on Cat's body making his projection flinging backwards, straight back through Cat a second time.

The sensation of passing through a living being -twice- was nauseating and Rimmer stumbled with a disgusted " _Eugh_ ".

Cat, meanwhile, was almost in tears; "My jacket! My jacket! You wrinkled my jacket!" He then turned accusingly to Rimmer. "You did that on purpose because you're jealous of my style!" Cat hissed, bringing his hands up to scratch warningly at the air.

Rimmer recovered enough to straighten himself out and wrinkle his nose in disgust at Cat's accusations. "Style? I wouldn't be caught dead in your style!"

"Well it's a good thing you _are_ dead!" Cat bit back and Rimmer frowned darkly. "I wouldn't want the likes if _you_ wearing a stylish outfit such as this!"

"Oh, piss off you simple minded moggie! Go play with your piece of string!"

Cat jumped back as if he were slapped. "Who are you calling a moggie?! I'll have you know I have a pedigree higher than you wear your trousers!"

Rimmer glanced down at his regulation-height trousers. "Now see here!" He started, standing up straight and appearing authoritarian. "I'll have you know that this;" He gestured to himself. "Is a very distinguished uniform and, in fact, _you_ should be jealous of _me_ as _I_ have the authority to wear this and not _you_."

The Cat pulled a disgusted face as he looked Rimmer up and down. "Uniform? Who's making you wear that? It's ugly."

Rimmer stood proudly with a smug look on his face. "My superiors."

The Cat frowned, confused, and looked around. "Who? The monkey?"

"What? No!"

"Then who? I've not seen anybody else around."

"You great stupid flea-ridden carpet, they're all dead of course!"

The Cat's face morphed back to disgust. "You take orders from a dead body?"

"What? No! You-"

"Rimmeh!" Came a distant, but unmistakable thick Liverpudlian voice.

Rimmer froze. The Cat turned around, a happy smile now on his face. "Over here, monkey-boy!" He called back.

 _Bollocks_.

Rimmer whipped around ready to make his escape around the corner when he noticed the open ventilator that he's seen The Cat come out of in the past. _Perhaps hiding in there would shake Lister off. The lazy goit has never been the one to put much effort into moving_.

So Rimmer dived into the open hole and started crawling through the tunnel desperately.

"Hey!" The Cat called after him. "You're not allowed through there, that's mine!"

"Cat!" Lister called as he hobbled round the corner, still a bit hungover. "Have you seen Rimmer?"

"Yeah! The inconsiderate nostril hair wrinkled my suit!"

Lister rubbed his temples and lent against the wall. "Do you know where he went?"

"He went through there! He isn't allowed in there!" Cat pointed to the open ventilator. Lister hobbled over, bent down peered groggily inside. He couldn't see or hear anything. Lister sighed, allowing his body to lean heavily inside the entrance to support him. This man is so much _effort_.

"Do you know why?"

"Why what?"

Lister groaned "Why Rimmer went through here, Cat? Do you know?"

"I don't know and I don't care. The whack job says he takes orders from dead bodies to wear that hideous piece of rag he calls a " _distinguished uniform_ "."

" _Ey?_ "

"Goal-post head needs help!" The Cat shouted and walked off, but before he got to the corner he turned back around and, in a broken voice, said " _And I have to call my tailor_." Cat gave an upset sniff. " _My poor suit_."

Lister rolled his eyes and regretted it. He groaned and massaged his forehead again. _For smeg's sake I don't know why I'm bothering_.

"I don't know why you're bothering." Holly rolled up, his face on a CRT screwed to a trolley.

"Hey Hol-" Lister breathed in and let out a big puff of air before heaving himself back up from his slump to face Holly. "-me neither."

"So why _are_ you bothering?"

"Dunno... I have to get all this straightened out. It's not fair on him is it?"

"Why isn't it?"

"Well... I know he know's whats coming, but... it's better to turn him down sooner rather than later isn't it? Otherwise he's just going to dwell on it for longer. You know what he's like."

Holly looked confused. "Turn him down for what?"

"You know..." Lister mouthed silently, struggling to even say it himself. " _I want to eat you like this sandwich_ " his memory helpfully supplied. "...you know? Last night?"

"Last night what?" Holly's confusion turned to understanding. "Ah. ah I see. It's that sandwich wasn't it? Don't know how, but whatever floats your boat I guess." Holly paused for a moment. "Still...I didn't know he'd go that far in his excitement."

Now Lister was confused. "Ey?"

"Shame really. I make a wonderful wedding planner. And I always wanted to be best man." Holly looked thoughtful. "And The Cat could have made you a beautiful dress."

"Ew, no, Hol! No we're not getting married!"

"Yeah, I know. you're turning down his proposal, you've just said."

Lister let out an annoyed puff of air, and slumped heavily back down. "No Hol, you have it wrong."

"Well, what else could it be?" Holly's confused face was back. Lister groaned and held his head, unsure how, and slightly unwilling, to explain. Holly's face turned to understanding yet again. "Ah." Followed by very deep confusion. "But how? How did you manage?"

"What?"

"Honestly however you managed it, that's impressive it is. Didn't know a hologram and a non-hologram could."

Lister rested his head in his hands. " _What_ do you mean Hol?" He asked slowly, impatiently.

"Do you mind if I took at peek in the security footage?" Holly paused, glanced sideways, and added quickly; "For research purposes?"

Lister just stared at Holly confused. He didn't reply, but Holly took it as a yes anyway.

"Won't be a jiffy." He said and vanished. He came back a second later. "Ah. I got it a bit wrong then."

"What did you think it was?"

"I thought you and Arnold... got it on so to speak."

"Ew what? Why? What made you think that?"

"Dunno. The sandwich maybe."

"With Rimmer? And you wanted to see it? Holly!"

"For research purposes!"

"That's disgustin' Hol,"

"Ey! Love is a beautiful thing... apparently. There's no shame in that."

Lister didn't reply, instead he peered back in the tunnel. It was dark. Very dark. He can't go in without some sort of light. Lister sighed, hopefully for the final time that hour. _Well I better get this over with_.

-

Rimmer, meanwhile, does not know whether to be relieved or concerned. He heard Lister talking to Cat, he heard Cat give his position away, but he has yet to hear Lister start to crawl through the tunnel. He has found himself in an almost-pitch black room, his only light source being the dim light from the tunnel he had just crawled from. He appears to be standing in what is probably the entrance of what very well might turn out to be a labyrinth. He could get very, very lost...

...but he couldn't go back.

 _Smeg_.

-

This chapter was modified on 05.06.2020


	4. Chapter 4

_Right_. Rimmer dusted down and straightened out his uniform, an entirely unneeded task due to his hologram status, but it never hurts to double check one's tie placement. Rimmer has resigned himself to his fate. If he's going to get lost, he might as well look dignified about it.

"Left I think." He said to himself, striding forward to the open left hallway. "Yes, left is always a good side to choose." He paused in the entry way. "Always very left-like. Unlike straight forwards." Rimmer turned to the tunnel beside it. " _Keep moving forward_ is what they always say, and I've been doing it for _years_ without any success."

He turned back to the left entrance putting his hands on his hip. "Clearly. Clearly I'm not a straight ahead guy." Rimmer nodded to himself. "Yes. Clearly I need a change of direction in life -or death as it were- and follow a different path." Rimmer paused and stood there awkwardly, staring into the dark abyss.

"Right." Rimmer nodded once again and tapped his foot nervously. "Left it is. Good old leftie." He cleared his throat and dusted down his uniform once more for good measure. "Onwards I go then."

Rimmer walked with a nervous, yet determined energy through the entryway and down the dark hall.

-

Lister clicked the torch on and off a few times to check it's working. It was. He wasn't going to question how the batteries were working perfectly after three million years, for now at least, instead he's going to take it and hope it does not cut out on him. For now, though, the bright light is too much for his subsiding headache so he's keeping it off.

"Alright Hol, I'm going in. Will you be able to hear us if anything goes wrong?"

"Sorry, Dave, it's out of my range."

"What if I carry your screen through?"

"Cord can only travel so far."

Lister nodded. "Alright then if you don't hear from either one of us within the next... let's say two hours, can you ask The Cat to take a look?"

"Oh, well I'll give it a try, Dave, but I'm not sure if you can convince that creature to do anything useful."

"Yeah, alright. Thanks, Hol." Lister said before turning to the entrance. He turned the torch on and gave it a shine inside; metal tunnel for as far as the torch can shine. Lister's stomach interrupted with a loud gurgle, reminding him of just how long ago he last ate. With a small groan of impatience, Lister heaved himself inside. _Might as well make a start_ , he thought as he began the exhausting task of slithering through a relatively small space.

-

" _Eugh_!" That's the seventh time Rimmer's accidentally walked through a wall only to be forcefully pulled back and disorientated.

He was getting nowhere. Literally.

Everything is black. Pitch black. And the walking goes on forever. Technically he could make his bee holographic so that he can walk through anything, but that requires concentration and what would happen if it was broken and he found himself stuck inside a metal wall? Rimmer shuddered at the thought of his bee being crushed, or randomly finding himself phasing outside of the ship and floating away.

But this was taking a terribly long time, and everywhere was too dark. Not even the very faint glow of his projection helped anything.

How long has it been? Two? Three hours?

Will he ever get out? Will he ever be rescued?

 _No_. Rimmer thought hollowly, _nobody will rescue me_. _Nobody likes me_. _Nobody would care enough to come searching for me down here_. _I'm lost. Lost forever_.

 _And it's all your fault!_ His psyche screamed at him.

 _No it isn't!_ Rimmer's psyche argued with itself. _It was the corruption's fault! That's what made me make the rash decision to come down here in the first place!_

 _Don't be absurd!_ It bit itself back _You know very well that all this would never have happened if you never would have smegging said anything to begin with!_

_It would never have happened if you never smegged that repair up and literally killed every smegger on the ship!_

_And that would never have happened it you were actually competent!_

Rimmer slid down what may or may not have been a wall (he can't tell), he curled up into a fetus position and let out an almost-inaudible sob.

 _Every turn in my life leads me to be an even more of a failure. To my family. My parents. I was never exactly liked by either of them, not being as smart or as strong as my brothers, I never_ quite _made commander, or captain or... any high ranking position. I died aged 31 only to be brought back as a hologram- a deadie._

_A flaming holographic poof is what I am..._

Rimmer lay there in the darkness, tears slowly tricking down the side if his face, contemplating this. It was, admittedly, not a new revelation. He'd always known it were there. He'd kept it hidden under a black sheet and shoved in the deepest, darkest corner of his mind. Spent his entire life hoping the creature would never rear his ugly head, outing him. Oh, the humiliation and pain it would have caused.

He used to make fun of them. Gays. He and his brothers. It taken up quite a chunk of what little bonding he had with them, actually...and his parents...the things his parents said...

They'd hate him. His mother would stop writing him all together.

Probably sue him for the continued use of their last name, the petty bitch.

_Not that she- ...being dead and all._

_But that's not the point!_

_But it_ is _the point! Now you don't have anybody to disappoint! No family to shame! You now you have the opportunity to explore a side of you you've desperately tried to hide all of your life..._

Rimmer blinked. He does. He does now have an opportunity. There's nobody left to judge him. No brothers left to compete with, no parents to impress. This is an opportunity to explore who he truly is...

Rimmer felt lifted for the first time that evening. He was free wasn't he? Truly free?

_Except you can't because they're all dead. All of them. Everybody's dead. You're dead. They're dead. Everybody- Is- Dead. And the one bloke still alive hates you and would never return your affection for him._

The weight of feeling trapped and pointless and confined and lost crashed right back down again. Rimmer choked back a another sob.

At least in the darkness, nobody could see him cry.

-

This chapter was modified on 05.06.2020

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the chapters are quite short. I'm hoping I will get better at writing as I go along and become more confident with putting more detail into scenes. I plan on revising the entire thing upon completion for a better flow (as I have no plan, I'm writing straight forwards and some edits to previous chapters might be needed)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the comments and the kudos! I've always loved the idea of exploring the Cat's home on the ship a little more. I've not yet found any other takes on it. It was a shame they didn't do more of it earlier in the show when the whole topic came up (glad The Promised Land filled that a bit!)

After what seems like two hours in and of itself, Lister finally collapses out of the end of the tunnel with a _thump_.

" _Aw- Smeg_ "- Lister groaned in pain, rubbing his sore side as he heaved himself up. He wasn't expecting the tunnel to end so abruptly. He never bothered to check how long was left with the torch, preferring to keep it off to save his headache (and perhaps the batteries). Still rubbing his sore spots, Lister turned said torch on to have a look around;

He was inside a room with a large red metal thing in the middle. _Probably a water tank or something_ , he assessed. Around him were a series of hallways leading off from this one room.

Rimmer could be in any one of them.

He didn't notice at first, but shining the torch all around the room revealed dozens upon dozens of wall-paintings. Similar to Egyptian hieroglyphics, they seemed to depict some sort of story or message using symbols and characters, and, if Lister's noses were being accurate, the blank sections of the wall were readable by scent. He leaned in to sniff the closest:

" _The- Place- With- The- Roundy- Reddy- Thing_." Lister leaned back and pulled a face.

"Is that a street name?" Lister looked back towards what could be the water tank. It was indeed both reddy and roundy. Lister has, apparently, stumbled upon the ancient home of The Cats. _No wonder Cat is always going in and out of those things._ Lister thought. _I thought he was just being weird._

Lister turned his attention back to the paintings and grinned. _These are probably depictions of historical events - figures important to their history. Ey I wonder where I am then._ Now giddy, Lister decided to follow his nose on this one, relieved and excited he decided to teach himself to read cat scents. Lister ran up to the second nearest sign-post, the one for the left hallway;

" _The- Place- Where- The- Holy- Mother- Lived_."

"Frankenstein!" Lister exclaimed and his grin widened. _I suppose left is a good-a choice as any_ , Lister thought as he headed through the passage. Along the way, Lister shined his torch upon the walls to look at the pictures. There's loads of them. They were generally hard to read and Lister made a mental note to ask The Cat for a dictionary on symbols and their meanings. Despite that, however, he could easily pinpoint the ones supposed to be him with Frankenstein. Lister grinned fondly at the painting of his, now lost, beloved pet cat.

"You saved my life, Frankie." Lister said softly, his fond smile growing ever more sentimental as he delicately ran his hand along the painting, from the top of her head to the middle of her back, simulating petting her the best he could.

Lister let his hand linger for a short while before finally letting it fall back to his side. With one last sad smile, Lister turned to carry on.

Further down the tunnel, another drawing catches his eye. It was a drawing of a man next to Frankenstein. It wasn't himself. This man was taller, thinner, and had lighter skin. He was offering Frankenstein food. Underneath that was another where he seemed to be petting her, and underneath that was another with himself with Frankenstein and the unknown man, together. Lister squinted harder. Was it?

"Rimmeh?"

-

Rimmer was exhausted, as absurd as it sounds from a hologram. Too tired, to beaten to try and defend himself from his demons any longer. He lay there, eyes red from crying, though no longer being able to shed tears, staring into nothing, and nothing staring back. The darkness had long since consumed him, claiming him, and Rimmer resigned himself to his fate.

Slowly Rimmer closed his eyes and fell to sleep.

-

Lister squinted closer at the painting, shining the torch close to the face of the man who resembles Rimmer. The H wasn't there, but the man sure did share his curly brown hair and large nose.

"It can't be though, can it?" Lister asked nobody. "He didn't even like animals... why would he feed and pet Frankenstein instead of giving her up?" Lister backed away from the painting and shone his light on the wall as a whole. "I mean... I can just see 'im now; waltzing up to the captain, Frankie in hand, hoping for a promotion by giving her in.... wouldn't have got one of course, but he'd try." Lister scratched his head in thought.

"Am I still drunk or summert?" He looked around as if hoping there were somebody there to answer his question. It was then his stomach reminded him, more impatiently, that he needs to eat. Wasn't exactly the reply he wanted.

In defeat, Lister rubbed his face in a futile attempt to remove his brain from continuing to process this unusual new information, like the broken record way it's going about it, before carrying on forward.

"Rimmer! Where are ya, man?" He shouted into the darkness. "Come on, you don't need to hide! You're gonna get yourself lost in 'ere... _Rimmah!_ "

No reply.

Lister came upon a new sign and so he sniffed;

" _The- Big- Shiny- Silver- Thing- Facing- Left_ "

Lister looked around and he was in another fork in the labyrinth. _Who knew the Dwarf had all this under here. I wonder what it was for._ Lister wondered. _Maybe if I were higher on the maintenance team, I might have been working down here on summert._ He shone the light on a large silver... sculpture? Okay that is probably what the cats made rather than something that came with Red Dwarf. It literally looks like they hoarded a bunch of the dead crew-member's jewellery and made some sort of shiny... scrap metal experiment with it? Only it looks elegant; delicate curls in the metal, careful colour choices with them gemstones, no rough edges. Smeg knows what it's for, though, and the street name doesn't exactly help.

Another thing to ask The Cat, Lister supposed, before continuing left. Might as well follow the statue.

Rather than finding himself in another large room with several tunnels, Lister finds a series of rooms along the corridor. He opened one to find an actual... house? The room was small, but it housed a couple of spaces that seem to be sleeping spaces all blankets and pillows, and in the middle was a table and some chairs and the wall was decorated with homey touches. Lister ventured in carefully. The place had clearly been abandoned a long time ago, but not nearly as long as the rest of the ship. A few years worth of dust rather than millions of years.

 _I wonder where they went_.

Lister exited the room and peered into the several others along the way, calling for Rimmer. None held anything other than the dusty remains of a mysterious race.

"Rimmer! Com on, Rimmer! Where are ya?" Lister shouted again, entering another large room with adjoining hallways. No left this time, though and-

" _Smegging hell!_ " Lister exclaimed loudly, jumping back a bit in shock. It was the largest smegging cat tree he's ever seen. It's _massive_. They certainly took advantage of the overly tall ceiling.

 _Actually_. Lister paused and shone his light up around him. He was in a room that is overlooked by two balconies that appears to have rooms all around them. Smeg knows what their original use was, but this looks like a town centre! There's what appears to be a tailor shop and next to the tailor shop is what might be a... a shiny thing emporium? And next to that is a shop that clearly sells cat toys, everything from feather wands to fluffy mice.

"This is awesome!" Lister said grinning. "I can't wait to check this place out... perhaps I can convince Cat to give us a tour."

Not now, though, _I'm a bit busy right now_ , he reminded himself before heading down the right passage way.

"Rimmer! Have you seen this place? It's brilliant. Rimmer!"

-

This chapter was modified on 05.06.2020


	6. Chapter 6

Rimmer found himself pushing his way through a crowed of sweaty imbecilic monkeys, flailing their arms about and jumping to one of the most loudest, most, ungodly terrible pieces of quote-unquote _music_ he's ever heard in his life. The dance hall has always been one of Rimmer's least favourite places on the ship. Why would one _want_ to look so undignified?

A stray arm almost hit Rimmer in the face, followed by three women pushing past so quickly and unexpectedly, Rimmer found himself being pushed and falling over... and he was falling... and falling, but the ground never came and the music got distant, and the scene got darker and Rimmer had the sudden realisation that he didn't know what he was doing there in the first place.

That's when the dinosaurs invaded the ship.

Rimmer was suddenly revived, terrified, and took action against the dinosaurs by hiding under the nearest table. Cries and screams surrounded him, but as hard as Rimmer looked, all exists had vanished and there was nowhere to go. A dinosaur was rampaging in the room, roaring and flipping over tables and snapping at every human it could find.

Then there was a very distraught, but distinctly-scouser voice shouting " _Help!_ " and Rimmer jumped, hitting his head hard underneath the table. He scrambled to the end and peered out to find he was now suddenly the only other person in the room except for Lister.

 _And Lister was in danger_.

Rimmer considered what he could do as the dinosaur closed in on the corner Lister had been backed into. Without making a decision, Rimmer found himself throwing a chair into the creature's eye, momentarily blinding it and Rimmer took the opportunity to grab Lister's hand and drag him to a wall with a secret passage way and pulling him inside before the dinosaur could catch up to them. He didn't finish there, Rimmer carried on pulling Lister to absolute safety down the hidden staircase, but stopped abruptly when he heard Lister's pained hiss.

Somehow Lister's leg had gotten damaged; there was no blood, but it was bruised rather badly. A dinosaur roar echoed through the Dwarf's metal walls and it started banging on the wall they had just entered. Instead of wasting time, Rimmer scooped Lister up in his arms and bolted it down the stairway. Down and down and down the stairs went in an almost eternal decent, but eventually Rimmer found the bottom along with his secret room.

Keeping Lister tight in his arms, Rimmer unlocked the door, brought them both inside, and locked it from the inside. Now they were alone, alone in Rimmer's secret bunker. Rimmer pulled back just far enough to see Lister's face.

"You're safe now." Rimmer said in a low voice.

"You saved me." Lister almost whispered.

"Of course I saved you.... Listy." Rimmer said with unusual tenderness, never before seen.... ever. Lister slowly dragged a hand from around Rimmer's neck and started to play with Rimmer's short curly hair.

"I never knew you cared." Lister whispered, his nose now bumping Rimmer's, the space between them becoming scarce.

"I didn't know how to show you." Rimmer whispered back, their breathing becoming ragged.

"I know how-" Lister breathed before pulling Rimmer by his curls and smashing their lips together into a passionate lock.

A sleeping Rimmer moaned softly in his sleep.

-

Lister turned another two rights, a straight forward and an additional left. He has yet to see Rimmer, hear Rimmer or anything at all. He found more cat homes and even a school on his way. He paused for a few minutes at the school to sniff the board out of curiosity. Apparently it was a sewing class for making toy mice. There was no date though, something Lister had been hoping for. Not that he expected Cats to stay on the same calendar as humans, but it would have been interesting to figure out some sort of time frame.

"Rimmeh!" Lister called out again. How long had he been looking now? Lister doesn't know whether it feels longer than it has been or if it's time for Holly to start worrying a little.

" _Riiiiiim-meeeeer!_ " Maybe Rimmer had hid while Lister first ventured inwards and he's now currently enjoying some alone time back in their bunk. Lister's stomach growled again loudly. _Perhaps I should take a pause, to see if he's elsewhere on the ship at least_.

" _Rimmeh!_ "

" _Lister!_ " Came a distant reply that echoed around the walls too much for Lister to figure out which direction it came from.

" _Rimmer?_ " He shouted back. Nothing.

"Rimmer can you hear me?" Nothing.

Lister jogged through the middle tunnel. "Keep on shouting so I can follow your voice!" He shouted along the way.

-

" _Oh, Rimmer._ " Dream Lister moaned. "Keep on shouting so I can follow your voice." Rimmer thought that was a bit odd considering how he has Lister pinned to the floor and his mouth attached to his neck, unable to do shouting himself, but he wasn't against obliging a little, especially since Lister seemed to be doing an up and steady job at it himself.

" _Rimmer!_ "

" _Oh, Listy!_ " Rimmer moaned loudly.

-

"Rimmer!" Lister shouted again, straining his ears to hear a reply. Perhaps he went in the wrong direction?

" _Oh Listy!_ " Came what was... what was...

" _Ey?_ " Lister stopped dead in his tracks. That sounded like... well... it was certainly Rimmer's voice. But it was... I mean, it wasn't, was it? I mean sure it sounded like it, but-

Anyway, it was close. Er- distance-wise not, not that kind of close.

Well okay maybe that _did_ sound close, but the echo-y voice sounded close as in proximity close and not orgasm close even if it kinda did sound like it was orgasm-close...

Lister flushed as his head replayed the sound over and over, not helping in the slightest.

 _I MEAN_ it _sounded_ like Rimmer was only a short _distance_ away. Lister huffed impatiently.

"Er- Rimmer? Is there something wrong?" Lister called out, following the direction it might have came from.

-

"Is there something wrong?" Dream Lister pulled back from their kiss.

"What? No! Why should there be?"

"I can't find you." Lister said, worried.

Rimmer frowned in confusion and glanced down at himself growing offended. "I'm not _that_ small!"

"I can't find you, Rimmer." Lister replied. "Where are ya, man?"

Rimmer shifted up a little and waved a hand in front of Lister's face. "I'm here can't you see me? Lister!"

Lister vanished beneath him and suddenly he found himself alone in a dark room. "Lister! Where did you go? Lister!" Rimmer tried to scramble up, but he couldn't get a grip on anything, his arms passing through the floor. Not as if he would make out a floor anymore anyway in this darkness. All Rimmer could feel was his panicked heartbeat.

Without warning, he was abruptly thrown, and hit an invisible wall, _hard_.

-

" _Smeg!_ " Lister exclaimed when he saw what it was he had accidentally kicked. "Rimmer are ya okay?" He asked, getting down to see if he was hurt anywhere, momentarily forgetting he was a hologram and wouldn't be able to see anything wrong with his projection.... normally at least.

Rimmer groaned in pain and grogginess and slowly sat up. "What happened?"

"I accidentally kicked ya...'m sorry... why were ya on the floor?"

"You _kicked_ me?"

"By _accident!_ I was lookin' for ya and I didn't see you on the floor."

"Oh, _sure!_ Kick him while he's down! Well it's not like I'm not used to it!" Rimmer shouted as he crossed his arms and turned around, facing the wall. Lister boiled at that, offended Rimmer would actually believe he was abusive. He was about to bite right back when he noticed Rimmer's red eyes and any building frustration was suddenly grounded.

"Hey..." Lister craned his neck, trying to see Rimmer's face. "Hey man, you know I'm not like that, yeah? I wouldn't kick ya like that on purpose." He said gently, raising his hand to put on Rimmer's shoulder before pausing as he remembered he's a hologram. Awkwardly realising he's now unsure how to best go about it, Lister faulted. A human touch at times like these does wonders.

Lister caught Rimmer's eye and saw pain and sadness circled by the blotchy red betrayal and Lister felt a pang of sympathy.

Rimmer turned his face away from Lister's prying eyes. He knew Lister wouldn't actually do something like that, but he couldn't let him see his face. He didn't reply.

"What were you doing on the floor then?" Lister questioned, hoping it would result better.

"I was sleeping." Rimmer said in an irritated voice. "And I was having a very pleasant dream too, I'll have you know, before you _impudently interrupted_!"

Lister's eyes shot up. _"Oh, Listy."_ his brain dragged Rimmer's earlier moan back to the foreground and he flushed again, suddenly growing a bit shy. "Oh..." He cleared his throat. "You were?"

"Yes, and I would rather like to get back to it if you don't mind!"

"You would?"

"Yes, now would you _leave?_ "

Lister didn't leave. Instead he took a moment to trace the floor with his fingertips, glancing up to the back of Rimmer's head every once in a while.

Rimmer grew impatient. "Are you going to leave or not?"

"Who was in it?" Lister finally asked.

Rimmer hesitated a bit, considered not answering, but decided he could probably use this to get out of last night's events.

"Yvonne Mc Gruder." He said finally, proudly.

"Oh?"

"Yes. We were making love under the stars. Beautiful woman."

Lister's face flushed a bit more and smirked a bit. "Oh? Under the stars?"

"Yes, well... the stars you could imagine them being there... probably. I wasn't exactly paying attention to my surroundings, now was I?"

"Nah, I don't suppose you would."

Silence stretched between them once again as Lister returned to tracing the floor and glancing up at the hologram. _So... he was having a bit of a wet dream... with me in it._

Eventually Lister cleared his throat. "So... on my way here I found loads of awesome stuff."

Rimmer gave a short laugh. "What like? Peterson's secret stash of illegal porn?"

"...Nah I've not found that yet." Lister admitted and Rimmer rolled his eyes. "But I mean I don't know if you noticed, it _was_ a bit dark, but this is where the cat people lived. Came across all sorts; homes, a school, a massive-ass cat tree, but best of all a shopping centre! Wanna have a look around with me?"

Rimmed humphed. "Why would you want to have a look around with _me?_ Isn't that something you should ask the Cat?"

"Well...yeah, but I was hopin' you'd be there with us."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because why should I hang around people who hate me? I'd rather eject myself thank you very much indeedy."

"Aw com on Rimmeh-"

"No."

"I don't hate yeh-"

"Yes you do."

"No I don't!"

"Yes you do and that's an order!"

Lister sighed irritably. " _Rim-mer_ why do you have to be like this?"

"Like _what?_ "

"Difficult."

"I'm not being difficult, _you_ are the one being difficult."

"Yes ya are I wanna invite you out somewhere and you _insist_ I hate you!"

Rimmer's reply was interrupted by a loud gurgle.

"Was that your stomach?"

"Yeah... I'm a bit peckish."

"You mean you've not eaten?"

"Nah, I've been lookin' for you haven't I?"

Rimmer didn't reply. He just sat there seemingly stewing on something. Lister tried to look around to make eye contact again.

"Fine." Rimmer forced out.

"Fine what?" Lister asked, as Rimmer got up.

"We're going back and _you_ are going to eat something. Now get up you lazy space bum, we're leaving." Rimmer, while now facing Lister, was still blatantly avoiding eye contact.

Lister smiled. "Yeah, alright."

The torch died.

-

This chapter was modified on 05.06.2020


	7. Chapter 7

"Lister! What happened? It's gone dark! Where are you?" Rimmer panicked.

"Calm down, Rimmer, the torch just died is all." Lister said banging the torch with his hand in an attempt to get it back on again. "I didn't bring any spare batteries."

"You mean you've been carrying around a torch with three million year old batteries... and you didn't think to carry spares?"

"Yeah, alright...so I wasn't thinking."

"Clearly. And now we're _both_ trapped you goit."

"It'll be okay, I'll think of summert."

"You better otherwise we're _both_ going to _rot_ here."

Lister paused to think; They can't see. In normal circumstances, they would probably have to hold hands to keep together. But Rimmer's a hologram, his hand would go straight through Lister's, he can't touch anything. Maybe they can keep together by talking? But parts of the place are echo-y and if they get separated, they won't be able to figure out where the other is again. Perhaps Lister should leave Rimmer and come looking for him again? No, there has to be another way.

"Rimmer stay still. Have you moved?" Lister asked blindly stretching his free hand forward.

"No, why- Lister _what_ are you doing?" Rimmer felt something disrupt his projection.

"I'm getting us both out of here." Lister's hand grazed the bottom of a hard floating object.

"Lister. I hope you're not- _Augh_ -" Rimmer felt his light bee suddenly disturbed as it was grabbed whole by Lister's hand, and while he can't feel movement, he could feel when his entire projection was _literally impaled_ by a very large solid object. " _Lister!_ " Rimmer barked, face flushing red. "What do you think you are doing? Disrespecting a hologram! I will have you on report for this! Put me down!"

Lister rolled his eyes as he held Rimmer's light bee close to his chest, tracing his other hand along the wall. "I'll like to see _you_ think of a better way. We can't exactly hold hands, and I'm not going to leave you here."

"And you're just going to blindly walk and potentially get us even _more_ lost?"

Lister grinned. "No actually. I can read cat smells and this place has scent signs in every location. I can _sniff_ our way back."

Rimmer humphed, but didn't argue. He allowed Lister to carry him around as he sniffed at walls and hummed an out-of-tune jovial song along the way. Instead, Rimmer moped about having gotten himself into this situation in the first place; _this wasn't the kind of "inside Lister" he hoped to happen_. As much as Rimmer tried to fight it back, the constant _in and out_ motion of what he knows to be Lister's legs and general body movement as Lister carried himself... and being acutely aware of how it was _Lister_ and how, while the disturbance with his projection was still uncomfortable, it was actually rather nice being so close to him in real life. He could actually hear Lister _breath_ , for smeg's sake. In fact, he might even be _literally through_ Lister's mouth.

Rimmer tried to gulp down the lump forming in his throat. It didn't work, he only became more aware of just how Lister was affecting him. Rimmer could feel his simulated heartbeat quicken uncomfortably and prayed to _every God in the universe_ it wasn't something that could be felt nor heard by others. Rimmer was also becoming increasingly and, more importantly, _mortifyingly_ aware that he was also _rather enjoying_ the experience in a more _physical_ manner.

"Are ya alright man? Your bee's getting a bit warm."

_Oh dear smeg._

"I'm _fine!_ " Rimmer replied through gritted teeth.

"Are you sure? You don't sound fine."

"I _said_ I'm _fine._ "

Lister sighed. Trying to make pleasant conversation with this man is like unearthing gold from sheep shit. He paused a moment to sniff the wall. "I know this might be uncomfortable for you..."

Rimmer gave a short sarcastic laugh.

"And I don't wanna make you uncomfortable..." Lister paused to think. "Not like this anyway." He grinned. Rimmer scowled.

"What does it feel like? I mean, you knew I was coming for ya, you must have actually _felt_ something, right?" Lister asked.

"For _your information_ , yes, and it isn't a pleasant sensation." Rimmer crossed his arms. "Now hurry up and get us out of here so I no longer have to _feel_ your _grubby little fingers_ manhandling my bee!"

Lister considered this. Suddenly finding yourself one day not only dead, but revived as something that cannot touch or feel anything around them _except_ , apparently, some sort of discomfort. Lister presumes it must feel similar to what he feels when he passes through Rimmer.

"Does it feel all static-y and stuff but also kinda sommerts there but also not?"

"Articulate as always." Rimmer said dryly. Lister rolled his eyes.

"I mean like..." Lister paused to try to capture his words. "Kinda like the thing where you- you know- when you kinda put your hand over hot lamp light? Kinda like that. Is it like that?"

Rimmer paused for a moment, unsure. "Is that what _you_ feel?"

"Yeah. Touching your light bee is kinda like..." Lister flicked his free hand in an attempt to bring the words to him. "...you know when you touch a static TV screen? The black and white fzzt? But your projection is like the lamp kinda... radiating energy I suppose? If that makes sense."

"Not really." Rimmer said blandly, unwilling to explain. Internally, Rimmer was too busy battling his dirtier thoughts as their cogs began turning, looking for ways to use this information.

"Well..." Lister tried again. "What are ya feelin' right now then?"

 _I have a raging hard-on_. Rimmer stiffened as he realised he almost said that out loud. His simulated heart skipped a beat and his face burned noticeably hotter. " _None of your business_." He said quickly before anything could spill out.

"Aw com on I wanna know what this feels like?" Lister pleaded.

 _Hot._ "Piss off Lister!" Rimmer ground his teeth. The urge to just throw up all of his filthy thoughts right then and there was almost too strong.

"Ey! What's gotten into you? I just wanna have an interesting conversation."

"I'm not in the mood for this!"

"Well what mood are ya in then?"

 _Turned on._ Rimmer facepalmed himself. The urge to splay everything out was clawing it's way up his gut. So he had always had this _yearning_ to tell Lister just exactly what he truly thought of him, but now really, really was not the time, no matter how pleasant this current arrangement is making him feel!

_Oh for smeg's sake!_

This was going to be a long journey.

-

Holly appeared on the screen. "Hello Cat." He greeted.

The Cat looked up from his sewing and grinned. "Hey! It's the floating head. Hello bud."

"I have a favour to ask you."

"Cool. What do I get out of it?"

Holly thought for a moment. "I can get you a nice chicken."

"Just one chicken?"

"Two chicken."

The Cat smiled. "Alright what do you want?"

"Dave and Arnold have not returned since they entered the duct two hours ago. Can you go in and find them?"

"Sure!" Cat hopped down from Lister's bunk and waltzed towards the door. Cat paused just before he left and turned back to Holly.

"Two chicken?"

"Three chicken." Holly nodded. "And I'll throw you in some really nice gravy too."

Cat smiled, flustered. "You spoil me, bud!"

-

"Are you _sure_ you know where you're going?" Rimmer asked impatiently.

"Yeah!" Lister exclaimed. "...Kinda." He added weakly.

" _"Kinda"?_ What do you mean " _kinda_ "?"

"I think I took the wrong sniff." Lister admitted, worrying his lip. Rimmer's heart beated in panic.

"You _think_ you took the _wrong sniff?_ "

"Alright so I'm not fluent in cat smells yet, but I've done a pretty good job so far haven't ah."

"Oh for smeg's sake, Lister!" Rimmer instinctively wriggled to push free out of annoyance, but of course Lister couldn't even notice. "Its not as if we could pull over and ask for directions! We're lost!"

" _Alright!_ no need for that." Lister thought for a moment trying to remember where he made a wrong turn. Truthfully, he didn't know, but he didn't want Rimmer to know that. "We're not lost, we just need to turn back at the last junction." Lister stopped walking and turned back around hoping to retrace his steps.

"Yes we _are_ lost, Lister you _imbecile_ ," A new wave of frustration and fear washed over Rimmer. Lister was going to starve to death down here and then Rimmer would have succeeded in wiping out the _entire_ crew. "It's all your _snogging_ fault! If you had _thought_ to bring spare batteries we wouldn't _be_ in this mess!"

"All your snogging fault?" Lister repeated, a slow grin splitting his face. " _Snogging?_ " Rimmer turned pale.

"Sodding! I meant sodding!" He shouted. Lister didn't believe him.

"I _distinctly_ heard _snogging_." Lister teased, trying to hold back a snort of laughter.

"No you didn't!" Rimmer denied and Lister ignored it. _Oh, damn this corruption_ , Rimmer cursed. _If we ever get out of here, I'm going to give Holly a good telling off_.

"What were you thinking of snogging for?" Lister wriggled his eyebrows, forgetting for a moment he can't be seen. He bit his lip hard trying desperately not to outright laugh at Rimmer's slip, hoping to pry a little more teasing, but it was no use. Lister let out a massive snort followed by a series of giggles which vibrated through his entire body and onto Rimmer.

Rimmer, red and mortified, tried desperately to ignore how pleasant that was.

" _I WASN'T THINKING OF SNOGGING!_ "

-

Meanwhile, The Cat made his way inside the first room. "I can't _believe_ what I have to do for these suckers." He turned back to the opening and shouted to Holly, " _I hope I get my chicken!_ " Cat turned back and allowed his eyes to adjust to the dark as, being a cat, he doesn't need a light. "Better get this over with. I'm getting hungry!"

Cat sniffed the air, grimaced, and then ventured down the left tunnel following Lister's scent.

-

Some silence has passed since _the snogging incident_ , but while Lister had calmed from his laughter, he was still grinning. "So..." He began, testing the air. He didn't exactly want to spend the entire journey in silence and, as much as he hated to admit it, Lister was actually enjoying himself. "What do you like?"

"What?" Rimmer frowned in confusion.

"You know... I know you like your telegraph poles and your war history and your Morris dancing and all that. Tell me about one of your interests."

Rimmer didn't reply straight away. "Why do you want to know?"

"Because I wanna get to know you better you smeg head." Lister huffed teasingly. "We're alone in the universe, three million years into deep space..." Lister shrugged, _you're all I have_ , he didn't say. "...and you humoured me with my guitar at your death day party last night- which I know you wouldn't normally do- remember? So I wanna indulge you in one of _your_ interests."

Rimmer didn't reply. He couldn't reply. He didn't know what to say or where to even begin. Nobody had ever wanted to _try_ like this before. Usually they just find his collection of 20th century flag poles, laugh, and piss off. He'd always been alone with his interests. Not even his brothers wanted to engage his War History interest, but that was mainly because they didn't want to be around him, not because they wasn't interested in the subject themselves.

"Well?" Lister prompted and still got no reply so he decided to throw him a bone, "Morris dancing. Tell me about that." He picked randomly.

"Urm..." Rimmer faulted, still perplexed at the conversation. "Well I enjoyed Morris Dancing as a small boy. It's a traditional English folk dance, one that my family has ancient ties to."

"Oh really?"

"Yes, it was my grandfather who taught me how to dance. He also used to go trainspotting with me." Rimmer said in a nostalgic voice.

"Were you close with him then?"

"Yes." He replied, his tone suddenly turning melancholic. "He was the only member of my family who was ever nice to me... he died when I was seven."

"I'm sorry." Lister didn't know what to say. Rimmer had told him a little about the state of his childhood not long ago when he got that letter about his dad dying. Lister was suddenly reminded that Rimmer's childhood must have been dreadful; his parents were two of the biggest wankers in the known universe, his brothers following their lead. It was a shame, Lister mused, that they were actually dead because he'd loved to piss on their doorstep.

"It was a very long time ago, Lister, it doesn't matter."

Lister frowned. "Yes it does. Of course it matters."

Rimmer didn't reply, he was too busy being in a weird "light-weight" feeling state as he listened to Lister's footsteps echoing around them. His second heart-to-heart with Lister proved to Rimmer that the first wasn't a one-off, and that Lister was actually a bloke who'd listen to your problems and try to help. Rimmer felt a pang of longing.

"I'll do it with yeh." Lister suddenly piped back up.

"Do what?"

"Morris Dance. You can teach me."

-

This chapter was modified on 05.06.2020

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realised as I was writing this that I completely overlooked that Lister has claustrophbia! At least as of the later seasons, but by that point several other things got contradicted (such as Lister's relationship with Kochanski) so I'm not going to dwell on that mistake too much xD we're all aware here that early seasons crew are of a completely different dimension as the latter so.
> 
> Anyway, hope you like the story so far!
> 
> Credit to my friend Becky for reading and helping me out.


	8. Chapter 8

The Cat walked through the labyrinth with ease; it was his place of birth, after all, and darkness means very little to the cat race. Not that they lived completely without light, of course, they had salvaged some light-making objects from the species who lived there before them, but they were more for entertainment than anything. Typically to make things go shiny-shiny. _Besides_ , Cat thought as he stopped to sniff at a junction, wrinkling his nose and carrying on down the right-hand passage, _even if we did have eyesight as bad as the monkeys, I'd still be able to smell him a mile away....monkey needs a bath_

-

"What's that?" Rimmer asked, his holographic hairs suddenly on high alert. Lister stopped walking.

"What's what?" Lister asked, turning around in the darkness to see what Rimmer might be seeing. If there was something there, it was too dark to see.

" _Shh!_ That noise."

"What noise?" Lister asked as he turned back around.

" _Will you shh!_ " Rimmer hissed. Lister huffed but stood still anyway, straining his ears for any sound. He couldn't hear anything.

"Will you be quiet, Lister!" Rimmer hissed again

"I _am_ being quiet!" Lister hissed back.

"I can hear your _breathing!_ "

"Oh well I can't stop me _breanthin'_ , Rimmer!"

Rimmer heard a shift in the distance. "Something's there." Rimmer said quietly, now serious. He heard a second shift of the _movement_ of something _alive_. "It's getting closer! Lister!"

Lister then heard the distinct footsteps of somebody walking.

"Lister! _Run!_ " Rimmer's fearful voice almost shouted.

"Nah am not gonna run, Rimmer, it's probably the Cat." Lister dismissed, still straining his ears for the sounds.

"And if it isn't? Lister we can't see! What if it wants to eat us!" Rimmer desperately tried to move, but his light bee was still firmly grasped in Lister's hand. " _Lister!_ "

" _Rimmeh!_ It's okay. I asked Holly to send the cat if we took too long" Lister tried to calm the other man as he felt the faint, unusual feeling of Rimmer's light projection moving rapidly. A beat later, however, a cheeky grin spread across Lister's face. " _Then again_ ," Lister drawn out slowly, the darkness masking the evil glint in his eyes. "It _could be_ a monsta! Whose to say the Cat's the only other living thing in the ship, ey?"

" _Lister!_ " Rimmer struggled a little more, now hearing the distinct footsteps of _something_ getting unnervingly closer. "If the creature doesn't _kill_ you, _I will!_ " He hissed venomously.

Lister chuckled. " _Hey Cat!_ " He shouted into the darkness, his voice echoing off the walls. Rimmer froze.

" _LISTER! You fool!_ " Rimmer hissed in a panicky voice. Lister grinned wider.

"Oh come off it, Rimmeh. Do you _really_ think we wouldn't have noticed by now-if _Holly_ wouldn't have noticed by now- if there were summert else with us?"

Yes! Rimmer's inner voice screamed, but before he could answer, a voice echoed in reply " _Hey bud!_ "

"See!" Lister said with a chuckle.

Rimmer humped and sulked. "Frankly, I wouldn't trust that computer as far as I could throw him."

Lister shrugged. He couldn't argue that there wasn't some issues with Holly; three million years hasn't done the guy any good, but he stood up for the computer nonetheless. "So he's got some issues... but I trust he'd tell us if we were suddenly invaded by deep-space murderous pineapples, Rimmer."

"Lister," Rimmer said levelly, "I've seen _Peterson's nether regions_ display more intelligence."

Lister made a disgusted noise. "Aw Rimmer, don't say you've been checking _Peterson_ out!" It wasn't exactly flattering to have _Peterson_ of all people as his competition, as much as he loved the bloke as a mate, Lister had to admit he was a bit of a doink.

Rimmer turned green and almost retched. "Eugh, Lister that has to be the _single most disgusting thing_ that's ever came out of your mouth."

"So you haven't been checking Peterson out, then?"

"No! Of course not. That insinuation is utterly vile."

"What about Selby?"

"No."

"Chen?"

"No! _Why_ are you asking me this?"

"Dunno... you seemed to always find your way around us for one reason or another." Lister mused.

"And what makes you think I was there for _them_?"

"So you were there for me then?"

 _"Of course_ I was there for _you!_ Who else would I be there for?"

Lister's cheeky grin returned. "So you were checkin' _me_ out then?"

"Of course I was-" Rimmer paused. " _What?_ "

"Well if you weren't checkin' Peterson, Selby or Chen out, then it must 'av been me, right?"

Rimmer flared. "I was checking _up_ on you, you gimboid! I wasn't checking you _out_!"

"Aw I never knew you cared." Lister cooed mockingly, biting his lip as to not chuckle.

" _I never knew you cared_." Dream Lister's voice floated through Rimmer's memory and the hologram flushed red.

"Lister." Rimmer choked out, trying to sound even. "You are doing this on purpose, aren't you?"

Lister's cheeks were now beginning to hurt as he answered a giggly; "Yeah." Lister wondered briefly if he was still a little drunk. He was having far too much fun with Rimmer than was natural.

Before Rimmer could reply, however, Cat rounded the corner. He paused to take in the scene before him; Human and hologram were melded together real close-like, Alphabet-Head was bright red and Monkey-Boy's face could split into two from the grin he were wearing. Cat paused and made a face, regarding them closer; part of Alphabet-Head's legs, as he's taller than The Monkey, was through the floor, leaving their faces level. Meanwhile, The Monkey was giggling and, for whatever reason, was gently swinging them both side to side, only stopping when he heard Cat;

"I don't wanna _know_ what you two are trying to accomplish down here like _that_."

Lister ignored him. "Hi Cat! Can you take us back. We can't see."

"So long as you promise to keep it down when we get there!"

-

It turns out getting back to the first room wasn't that far of a walk. Apparently Lister had done very well up until the last third or so. Cat had given them directions such as "forward", and "turn left here" while Lister felt for the wall. When needed, Cat also, begrudgingly, nudged Lister in the right direction. Seeing the distant light through the tunnel they originally came out from was a relief for them all.

"Well now that I'm done here, I've got chicken waiting for me!" Cat exclaimed and entered the tunnel to get out. Lister's belly rumbled at that.

"Thanks Cat!" Lister shouted over before extending his hand out to finally let go of Rimmer's bee. Rimmer recovered his height straight away and busied himself by brushing his uniform down and checking his collar. Lister smiled. "How are ya feelin' now then?"

Rimmer frowned and turned away. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Well..." Lister stepped sideways to catch a glimpse of Rimmer's face. "You know if you ever want to talk..." Lister didn't finish. He realised that despite his earlier eagerness to get the whole " _event_ " the previous night sorted out, he actually wants to take the time to think this over.

 _Why?_ Lister wasn't sure. Perhaps it was Rimmer's ish-kinda-almost-admittance of having a wet dream with Lister in it (if it _was_ a wet dream, as Rimmer admitted, then there's no other reason why Lister's name would be moaned so passionately right?) which made Lister feel a bit... well if he was honest with himself, he was a little curious. A little. Not a lot. Just a little.

It may have also been seeing Rimmer's face after he had been crying. Lister was many things, including a right bloody soft git. Apparently even the world's biggest smeghead never impedes on his ability to view the glass half full, including believing that said smeghead was actually probably an alright bloke. Maybe.

Possibly.

So perhaps if Lister can get the smeghead to open up a little... just so he can see if there's a pearl inside...?

" _No_." Rimmer turned his face away. Lister let a put-out breath he didn't realise he was holding.

"No, I don't believe that will be necessary, I- what's that?" Rimmer cut himself off and pointed towards the wall he was facing.

Lister followed his arm and squinted. It was a dark square shadow. Rimmer walked closer and stared at it, so Lister followed suit. Slowly, Lister raised his hand to touch the square;

" _click_."

The entire place flooded with light and the distinct sound of some generator or another started up.

Rimmer and Lister slowly looked at each-other. Now that his face was fully illuminated, Rimmer had, Lister noticed, a sweet blush on his face, one that made his cheeks all rosy and dusted the tops of his ears. Lister smiled guiltily as he met Rimmer's hazel eyes.

Rimmer straightened out. with a "Right, I'm leaving." and promptly stalked across the room, stood at the wall for a moment as he appeared to be concentrating on something, then he walked fully through the wall, bee and all, without having to crawl through the tunnel. Lister watched on in surprise.

-

"Hi Hol," Lister fell heavily into the drive room chair, curry at hand, and he lifted his legs up to rest them on the panel.

Holly frowned in mild offence. "Do you mind? You'll scuff my controls."

Lister regarded his boots for a moment. "Don't worry, I'll clean it."

Holly hummed disbelievingly "Just like the time you dropped your curry all over it then." Holly said with mild sarcasm.

"I said I was sorry. I meant to do it I swear!" Lister pleased. "I just got a little distracted."

"Yeah I know, too busy watching a film in the cinema."

"Ey I was tryna avoid Rimmer and his smegging Health and Safety smeg after we escaped _Better Than Life_ and his bloody inability to think nice things. You can't blame me for that!"

"I can." Holly nodded "Rimmer had to get The Scutters to do it, and you know what _they're_ like... they turned the bloody engines off."

"Yeah I know-"

"Then they caused a system overload-"

"I remember-"

"Causing me to Blue Screen and re-boot into Safe Mode."

"Yeah-"

"All non-essential systems got shut down, including Arnold."

"Holly..."

"Who couldn't warn you when The Skutters accidentally changed the course to fly into the bloody sun."

Lister sighed and removed his boots from the panel, giving it a quick rub with his sleeve. "Alrigh you win, Hol. Better?"

"Yes, thank you, Dave." Holly watched as Lister forked in a mouthful of curry, and subsequently dropped rice everywhere. "There's just no winning with you is there?" Holly didn't wait for a reply, he went straight into his next question; "...So how did it go?"

"Hmm?" Lister swallowed.

"How did he take you letting him down, then?"

"Ah, well... I didn't actually do it... actually." Lister guiltily rubbed the back of his neck.

"You went through all that trouble and you never went through with it?"

"...no, I know I know, but-" Lister cut himself off to think. "I dunno, Hol," Lister shrugged. "I didn't feel it was right?"

"Why not?"

"Well...you see I'm not sure." Lister sighed and slouched back.

"So you like him then?"

"No! Of course not, Hol it's Rimmer. _Rimmer!_ "

"Well... what happened? Something must have happened."

Lister thought for a moment and a smile came to his face. "Well... it was funny because I teased him a bit because he was in that sort of pity-me mood and he gets so easily railed up like, but in a fun way... then we talked a bit about his family... oh, and I promised him I'd do Morris Dancing with him actually, I need to remember that."

Holly was silent for a few seconds letting it sink in. "So.... you flirted, had a heart-to-heart and walked out with a date?"

Lister flushed. "No! It wasn't like that."

"Oh, right... because that's what it sounds like to me."

"Well it _wasn't_ , yeah? Just a bit of friendly ribbing. And it's _not_ a date."

"...Well if you say so, Dave."

Lister sighed. "I have a question for ya anyway, Hol."

"Go on?"

"While I was in there lookin' for Rimmer, I noticed summert on the walls - a cat memorial. I have some questions."

"I could probably know something, Dave, but don't hang your hopes on me, I know very little about what the Cats were up to in there."

"You might actually be a better source of information with this one, Holly." Lister took a another massive scoop of curry and rice, dropping even more grains over his shirt and onto the floor. "Because-" Lister swallowed, "I'm wonderin' if you can show me any security footage of Rimmer feeding me cat, Frankenstein."

"Ah." Holly replied in a knowing tone. "Alright."

-

This chapter was modified on 05.06.2020


	9. Chapter 9

\--Flashback--

Rimmer entered the bunk room he shares with Lister and took a quick look around; Lister wasn't there. Of course, Rimmer had been expecting that as he was called for by Captain Hollister for something he wasn't privy to. However, he didn't quite know how long Lister would be there for so he mustn't dawdle; he ordered the door to be locked.

If one wasn't keeping too much notice (which was easy considering the state of Lister's belongings), one might get suspicious of a third occupant in this room. It was just bloody lucky that said third occupant is a quiet little thing who isn't much up to prancing about all over the place at the moment. Even so, Rimmer sighed, it can't stay a secret forever; he has been hoping Lister would take the creature off the ship come next planet leave. If he didn't, well... while Rimmer often wanted to get his own back at Lister's jokes and general slobbish behavior, he didn't exactly want the sometimes quite soppily emotional man to be sobbing himself to sleep every night, which would be a sure possibility if anybody were to find the creature.

Because the creature would be killed with immediate effect.

As would every single one of her, currently unborn, kittens.

Rimmer can't have that. A depressed Lister would be a Lister who would fall into a funk, and a fallen Lister would likely stop basic living things such as eating and bathing (not that he did much bathing to begin with), and he would likely stop his obnoxiously annoying talking and his obnoxiously annoying gerbil grins and his obnoxiously annoying giggling.

Yes, Rimmer would prefer Lister to be happy _just_ so he wouldn't distract him from his work any moreso than he already does.

That's _surely_ the only reason why Rimmer carefully fishes out the heavily pregnant cat and checks her belly to try and gauge how far along she is. "You're getting too big now." Rimmer told the cat straight as he gave her a little scratch under the chin. "I hope Lister knows what he's doing."

" _Meow_." Came a very soft, almost silent mew.

"And don't think I'm doing this because I like you." Rimmer wagged his finger at her as he moved away looking through his belongings. "Because I don't..." The cat gave another soft mew in response. "...and I don't like Lister either so don't go thinking that's what's going on here." Rimmer re-emerged with an actual tin of cat food. He opened it and offered it to the soon-to-be mother cat.

"You're a lot of trouble, you know that?" Rimmer huffed as the cat chomped down on the food making funny little noises as she did so. "Do you know how hard it is to get smegging tins of cat food?" The cat looked up at Rimmer and gave him another very cute "mew". Rimmer sighed, "That's your last tin, I hope you realise. No more after that. I'll have to start smuggling smegging tins of fish in."

A knock on the door came and Rimmer just about hit the ceiling. It couldn't be Lister, he has the authority to unlock the door.

"Who is it?" Rimmer shouted out.

"It is Olaf Peterson." Came the unmistakable Danish tones of one of Lister's gormless drinking buddies.

"What do you want? Lister isn't here." Rimmer shouted back dismissively.

"I know. He's been put into stasis for smuggling in a cat."

_What?_

" _What?_ "

"Has he really got a cat? Can I see?"

" _No!_ No, you can't see- there _is_ no cat you foolish numskull."

"Eh, well the captain seems to think so. They're coming to look for it now."

_WHAT?_

" _WHAT?_ "

"So can I see it?"

"No you bloody well can't! Piss of Peterson!"

Outside the door, Peterson shrugged and hobbled away from the door, still a little drunk.

Inside the room, however, Rimmer was beside himself. If the cat was found now, both it, he _and_ Lister will be in deep trouble!

_Smeg!_

Rimmer scrambled around. There's surely somewhere he could hide the cat, somewhere nobody would look. There simply _must_ be a place like that!

It was then Rimmer noticed the ventilator atop the wall. It was large enough to hide a cat, but too small for a grown adult to push themselves into. It'd have to do.

Quickly, Rimmer grabbed one of the screwdrivers he used to fix the vending machines and opened the grate. He turned back to the cat who was now cleaning herself.

"Sorry I must disturb your bath time," He picked the cat up and carefully fitted her into the hole. The cat, while a feral one, was a soft bugger and didn't put up any fight. She did, however, flick her tail a little as she seemed confused as to why the human would shove her in here like this.

Another knock came from the door.

_Smeg!_

"Who is it?" Rimmer called as he pushed the cat to move in further, which she did without too much complaint.

"Todhunter. We're here to inspect the room."

Rimmer put on his best acting voice. "I didn't realise room inspections were this week." He quickly shoved in the empty tin of cat food and the blanket she had been sleeping on in the cupboard.

"They're not. We're here to find a cat, Rimmer. Open up, that is an order."

Rimmer quickly screwed the cover back into place. "Yes, sir, sorry I- you just caught me at the wrong time, won't be a moment." Rimmer dusted himself off and for good measure, he quickly sprang over to flush their shared toilet, following that up with the sounds of the sink.

Finally, Rimmer dusted himself off and opened the door.

"Yes, sir. A cat, did you say?"

Todhunter and another crew member, a miss Sheppard, walked into the room. "Yes," Todhunter replied as he nodded to Sheppard to begin searching. He produced one of Lister's photographs. "Lister has been caught smuggling in an un-quarantined creature and so we must find and dispose of it." He said matter-of-factly.

Rimmer took the photo in shock. "That smegging bastard," he breathed.

Todhunter hummed. "Yes, indeed. Did you know anything about this?"

Rimmer straightened himself and handed the photo back to Todhunter. "No, sir, I'm sure I would have noticed if that slob kept the thing in here."

"Did he ever mention a cat?" Todhunter pried further.

"No, sir."

"Do you recall in any of your conversations with Lister anything about or alluding to the possibly location or existence of a cat?"

"No, sir. Lister and I don't get along well enough for personal conversations, sir."

Todhunter nodded, knowing this to be true, and turned to Shepard. In turn, Shepard shook her head. "There's no signs of a cat here, sir."

Todhunter nodded. "Very well, he must have it elsewhere." He turned back to Rimmer and gave him a nod. "Rimmer," before making his exit.

When they left, Rimmer let out a sigh of relief. Then he cursed loudly.

\--End of Flashback--

" _Smegging hell_." Lister almost breathed his curry straight back out of his mouth. "And how long had he been doin' that for?"

"Quite a while, Dave." Holly replied. "He found her the night we taken back off."

Lister frowned. "Then how the smeg he get bleeding cat food?"

"Might surprise you to know, actually, that there was another cat on board. One that had been through quarantine."

"Really? Whose? Did it survive?"

"No. Your cat only survived because she had been locked inside the internals. The other cat belonged to Officer Evans. Arnold stole some tins of cat food from her quarters when you were both there to fix the machine outside her door."

Lister made a face as he remembered the event. "I thought he snuck in to get a whiff of her knicker draw."

"...He had a peek."

Lister prodded his curry absentmindedly for a while, thinking about the stupid, secretly soft smegger who actually saved his bloody cat's life. Who would have thought?

-

This chapter was modified on 05.06.2020


	10. Chapter 10

Rimmer shuddered uncomfortably after finally making it out of the wall and back onto the main deck of Red Dwarf. Experiences like that were entirely unnerving, especially when he had to concentrate on his bee changing from solid to holographic and keeping it that way. Sometimes Rimmer wondered about that technology. Surely if it existed to turn something solid into a hologram, then it must be possible the other way around? Surely it must?

Regardless of any possible technology, however, there was no such thing aboard this ship and it's not something that can possibly help the situation Rimmer had dug himself into right now.

Because right now, he had to avoid Lister until Holly fixes this so-called "corruption" problem, afterwards he needs to fix this utter cock-up with Lister.

And no, he isn't going to teach the goit morris dancing. Lister will just insult it anyway. It's what he does. It's probably a set-up for an elaborate prank.

That's it. It's probably all a joke. He finds this whole situation one big massive whale-dong-sized joke.

And Rimmer sure isn't going to just bend over and take it.

Well.

WELL.

Not on Rimmer's watch, no sir-ee, he will _not_ be bending over for that or- or for anything else for that matter.

Rimmer stalked off purposely away from their shared bunker and preferably to a part of the ship Lister won't bother to go.

The gym.

Lazy goit wouldn't be caught dead in such a place.

-

A few hours later, Rimmer found himself scribbling furiously into his notebook, trying to note down everything- _any_ -thing- he could think of that could rectify this Lister-shaped problem.

He can't possibly get away from his initial... confession.

_I shouldn’t like you, Lister, but I do. A lot. I don’t know why._

Rimmer groaned at the memory. He needed some way of spinning it into a friendly thing. Yes, he's embarrassed because... he wants to be Lister's friend? Of course, that might work! Less than ideal, but it might work!

_I want to eat you like this sandwich._

Rimmer facepalmed himself. _Friends don't normally want to EAT each other, Arnold!_

_...you’re not interested. You’d never be interested… not that I’d have the guts to try._

His hand travelled down his face, tightly pulling the skin around his eyes down, probably wishing to pull his entire face off if he's going to be honest with himself. _For smeg's sake what have you done?!_ Rimmer resumed his pacing, but this time he bit into his notepad in the vain attempt to stop himself from screaming and possibly wishing his holographic teeth would leave holographic marks into his holographic pad which he could read as some sort of get out of jail free card. _Why did it have to come out like that? WHY?_ The most _mortifyingly_ _embarrassingly_ way to admit to a crush and it. Had. To. Be. That.

Rimmer let out a wail and slowly crumpled to the floor. Oh smeggidly smeg smeg smeg _whyyyy_.

"Hello Arnold." Holly popped up on the gym screen.

Rimmer moaned pathetically and then bit out a sharp "Piss off Holly!"

Holly nodded. "Alright." Then he vanished.

"Oh." Holly returned. "Before I go I need to let you know you're bollock naked and I'm working on the issue. Bye." He vanished again.

" _What?!_ " Rimmer shouted, standing straight and looking upon himself. He was indeed very, very naked.

"Holly! What is the meaning of this?!" Holly didn't return.

" _Holly!_ " Rimmer barked again.

Lister rounded the corner.

" _SMEG!_ " Lister threw whatever he was holding into the air and it landed with a delicate thud on the floor.

" _LISTER! Holy sMEG!_ " Rimmer jumped to hide behind the closest object- this object turned out to be the dumbbell rack which, due to the placements, only just hides Rimmer Jr.

" _Rimmer! SHIT!_ " Lister turned around and whacked his face painfully on the wall. " _FUCK_ shit - smegging hell!" Lister moaned, rubbing his face. "Aw _balls!_ "

" _WHat_ on IO are you doing here Lister?!"

"Look, man I'm sorry! You should have said you wanted _that_ kind of privacy!" Lister pointedly stared at the wall away from Rimmer.

"I wasn't- Holly undressed me!"

Lister spluttered. "What for???" He didn't wait for anybody to respond."Alright- Look- like I said you should have said you wanted to be alone for that- I mean- sorry- I didn't know holograms could-"

"I _wasn't!_ " Rimmer cut Lister off from carrying on. "Why do you think I would be doing _that_. Publicly. In the gym?"

Lister cautiously (curiously) looked around to find Rimmer had hidden himself. Instead of turning back around and pissing off like any normal person would, Lister, for some inexplicable reason, decided to linger.

"I don't know I-" Lister's eyes wandered down along Rimmer's bare chest, over one exposed nipple, down the smooth pale skin of his abdomen, around the curve of his hip bone and a cheeky peak of his right bum cheek due to the angle he was standing, and down to the ginger happy trail that led to another dumbbell.

Ginger. Lister couldn't help but feel a little delighted by that revelation.

The happy trail turned to face him fully and addressed him. "Lister-" the curls said sternly. "My eyes are up here."

Lister's eyes shot up to meet Rimmer's steely gaze and a sudden feeling of shyness washed over him. A shyness that, he noted, he hadn't felt this way since that time he bumped into Kochanski while they were working around her quarters and she said hi to him for the first time. He distinctly remembers he made a right fool of himself tripping over his words and further humiliated himself when his voice seemed to regress to that of a 13 year old. It may have been worth it, however, because she gave him the most dazzlingly endearing smile that made him melt into a pile of idiotic goo.

Rimmer, meanwhile, was giving him no such smile, but the blush on his face was as charming as it was the last time he had seen it, even more so as it quite clearly extended to the man's shoulders.

"Um-" Lister cleared his throat. "Can you, though? I mean... between you and me...? Can you?"

"Why do you want to know?" Rimmer raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms defensively.

"Just- interested? You know out of interest- for future reference- I mean- not for future reference well- probably for future reference I suppose you never know what would happen you know? Urr-" Lister cleared his throat again. Rimmer swallowed.

"Lister," Rimmer started as levelly as possible, his voice tighter than usual. "I order you to get Holly back on that screen and demand an explanation." He chose to ignore Lister's question.

Lister nodded dumbly, not bothering to question because he wanted to know the answer himself. "Holly, man what's going on with Rimmer's clothes?"

Holly appeared on screen immediately. "Hello Dave. The corruption, as noted earlier in the day, affected Arnold's physical projection. The entire wardrobe system is down momentarily while I sift through the corrupt files. Objects outside of the wardrobe are still active. You can hide yourself with that notepad for now, Arnold."

Rimmer spluttered. "A _notepad?!_ " He said clearly offended. "I'm much _bigger_ than a sodding notepad you _blithering boneheaded bastard!_ "

Holly blinked with a beat of silence as he regarded Rimmer.

"Ah. I see you've _changed circumstances_."

Lister's eyebrows rose and his eyes darted back to the ginger happy trail and the dumbbell which clearly blocked what is apparently a very interested Rimmer. Looking back up, Rimmer has his entire face in his hands muttering about wishing for death.

"Alright here you go." Holly said and a piece of carpet appeared in an astonished Rimmer's hands.

"What the _smeg_ am I supposed to do with _this?_ "

"Put it around you like a skirt." Holly paused momentarily, noting how much larger Rimmer's nostrils had flared. "It'd have to do for now." He said dismissively. "Arnold, Dave." Then Holly vanished once more.

"A piece of _smegging carpet_. He can't be serious." Nonetheless, Rimmer wrapped the carpet around himself as suggested, only to find it's not that wide and makes for a rather restrictive pencil skirt.

"HOLLY!" Rimmer screamed, visually struggling with basically his entire existence at the moment, and lamely finished with a simple " _I HATE YOU!_ "

Lister, meanwhile, was enjoying himself quite a lot as he regarded Rimmer's, now, bright red face and shoulders (from both anger and embarrassment), his entirely naked torso, and the sad pencil-skirt of a piece of random discarded holographic carpet which was apparently the best thing the computer could offer the bloke.

His gerbil-cheeked delighted grin grew wildly as he casually watched Rimmer waddle out from behind the rack very awkwardly.

"Not. A. Word, Lister." Rimmer's tone was low and dangerous.

Lister, though, simply could not help but relish in everything that Rimmer is in that exact moment. The poor man tried to look dignified, but for smeg's sake, the shoddy ugly green and brown damask carpet was really not helping anything. It hardly reached fully around him, Lister noted, as a slither of skin peaked through where he held it together at the side of his hip. In his other hand, his notepad and pencil was held pressed against the carpet as to help keep it up.

Lister gazed almost longingly at the edge of the carpet. Unfortunately it is hiding the lovely ginger curls.

Lister's eyes travelled upwards, the body no longer being largely hidden by a dumbbell rack was now on (mostly) full display and if Lister was honest with himself (which is usually is because it's hard to argue with one's penis), the man looked... _good_. Rimmer was rather trim, which he already knew after stealing his clothes so often, but he had also _clearly_ benefited from those stupid smegging workouts he did every morning.

Back across that nipple again, but joined this time by his brother who was just as equally (and quite frankly) lickable. Up those, admittedly, again, rather nice arms, along those broad shoulders which Lister _swears_ he should have noticed before now.

Finally Lister's gaze met Rimmer's flushed face.

Brown met hazel.

A flurry of confused emotions rushed between them, each man in his own battle to pin down just exactly what emotion he is feeling, while struggling in vain to recognise the swirls of emotions in the other's eyes;

Amusement. Longing. Desire. Confusion. Frustration. Fear. Suffering. Playfulness. Anxiety.

-

It was Rimmer to break the moment. He could have _sworn_ he saw some very welcome emotions in Lister's eyes, but that simply cannot be possible. Why would Lister, the most stupidly lovesick puppy if he ever saw one, the bloke who only ever seemed to be interested in the soft supple curves of women, especially those belonging to a certain navigation officer, have eyes for anybody other than _her_ , let alone the most lowly socially regarded member of the entire Red Dwarf, deceased or otherwise - and a male one at that?

Has Lister _ever_ shown any interest in men?

He kissed Peterson while drunk apparently, but he always insisted it was a mates thing. Do mates normally do that? Is this moment something that _friends_ can experience? Is that what's going on here? If so, does that mean its possible to get out of this by claiming a mates thing?

Something caught Rimmer's eye. "Are those _MY_ Morris Dancing clothes?"

Lister broke out of his own daze and hastily scooped up the clothes he dropped earlier. "Er yeah, hope you don't mind, but I had to let them out a bit - you're really thin man."

"You had to let them out a bit?" Rimmer repeated. "You mean you mutilated my clothes?"

"It's not like you're gonna wear them are you?" Lister shrugged, Rimmer's face hardened. "Besides, I need them if you're gonna be teaching me, yeah?"

"Teaching you?"

"Yeah remember? We're...er- _friends_ now, right?"

"...Friends?" Rimmer repeated lamely. This could still be some elaborate prank, but this was the exact _get out of jail free_ card he had needed. Surely if Rimmer to accept the gesture of (what is most likely false) friendship, he could have more of a ground to claim last night as a _friend-thing_ just like how Lister kissed Peterson.

Rimmer straightened back up with false confidence. _Very well_. "Yes. That's precisely what's going on here. Friends."


	11. Chapter 11

"No no no, like this-" Rimmer demonstrated the morris moves again. Lister tried to follow the best he could, but that middle part really throws him. At least the jumping bit was simple. "Almost, Listy! You need to prepare your right foot as you turn, not remember to do so at the last second, that's why you keep on tripping up." Lister tried again, remembering to prepare his right foot, but losing his balance anyway. Rimmer tutted almost good-naturedly "As graceful as a drunken hippo in broken high heels."

"So-" Lister straightened himself back up. "What was all this for then? I mean bells, hankies?" Lister asked, waving said hanky with delicate flicks of his wrist to illustrate his unsaid point that it was a bit weird.

Rimmer accepted the distraction. "According to grandfather, the morris was originally used to ward off evil spirits."

"Evil spirits?"

"Yes like Death Eaters, apparently bells and hankies scare them." Rimmer shrugged, Lister frowned in confusion.

"Aren't Death Eaters baddies from that book series by Beatrix Potter?"

"They are?" Rimmer frowned and then dismissed it. "Either way, it was to ward off evil spirits. It then became a traditional dance, but it's been a dying art for centuries. My family prided themselves in the upkeep of the morris!"

Lister chuckled. "I dunno man, from what you've told me of yer dad, I can't imagine that kinda bloke prancing about waving hankies."

Rimmer shrugged. "My father was never right in the head. He condemned all types of dancing other than the morris. Even going as far as banning the time-honoured Cha Cha Slide."

"Besides," Rimmer continued. "There's many forms of the morris, I'll have you know, Lister, one of them includes swords."

" _Swords!?_ "

"Yes, swords." Rimmer smirked knowing he'd grabbed Lister's attention with something that's " _cool_ ". He then felt compelled to enthusiastically explain; "Six to eight _hardy men_ rhythmically stepping in unison, _brandishing_ their _mighty swords_ and _thumping_ them onto each other's swords to the music." Rimmer sucked in a breath and slowly let it back out, seemingly contemplating something distantly. "It was all very _tantalising_ to watch as a lad. Some of the men were very _handsome_ indeed and it was one of the only times where I could stare without-"

Rimmer cut himself off abruptly. _-without being called "gay"_ , he would have finished, he realised and immediately ended with; "Nevermind!"

Lister smirked, careful not to let laughter out for fear he may scare the man into closing back up. Truthfully, Rimmer can be smegging cute sometimes when he talks passionately about something he loves, and it was nice to hear fond memories from him for a change. Instead of commenting on Rimmer's slip, Lister wheeled back around to the original topic;

"Dancing with swords. Brutal! When can I use the swords?"

Rimmer frowned, turning back to Lsiter. "Never! You will have your arm off I won't allow it."

"Aww, but swords are much cooler than hankies!" Lister whined in dismay.

"No Lister, I think we both prefer you in one piece." Rimmer got back into position to start again. "Now, try it again-"

-

Okay so Morris Dancing wasn't so bad, Lister mused later as he was putting the bells and hankies away. Not his thing, but something he'd willingly engage in if his own hobbies and interests were engaged with too. Perhaps this can be a start of some sort of mutual respect for each other's interests? Rest of one's life is rather a long time, after all.

Rimmer, meanwhile, was stood behind him, already back into his uniform cutesy of Holly, while Lister was unusually aware that he, himself, is only in his boxers. Rimmer stood awkwardly and practically radiated the energy of a man who was inwardly battling whether to say something or not. Lister could feel it flowing from him even though he wasn't facing Rimmer. It made him feel a bit uneasy or maybe apprehensive wondering what the man could be struggling so violently with.

When he finished, Lister turned to find the man pointedly looking anywhere other than him.

Rimmer cleared his throat. "You- you did well."

Lister brightened. "You think so?"

Rimmer turned so his back was facing Lister, crossing his arms. "Yes." He cleared his throat again. "And... If you still want to go exploring the cat civilisation..."

Lister's smile widened further as he took two steps closer to the hologram, trying to look around to his face. "Yeah?"

"I- I would lo- would _tolerate_ accompanying you if- if that is what you- desire."

Lister bit back a chuckle. "Yeah? You would?"

Rimmer seemed to struggle to let out the next word, but he eventually managed a stifled; "Yes."

"Great! Yeah..." Lister rubbed his naked shoulder a little nervously.

Rimmer was fully aware that what he just arranged with Lister sounded suspiciously like a date. And Lister _accepted_. "Splendid."

Lister found himself staring at the pinkening ears of the hologram and felt his belly do a strange flip-flop. "Brutal."

How does one end the conversation after asking for what is probably sort-of possibly a date? Rimmer continued to stand awkwardly, point blank refusing to look at Lister. "Spiffing."

An awkward silence stretched between them before Rimmer realised they were in their room now, Lister was mostly naked and he needed the room to get dressed while he wasn't required to stay for any reason, so clearing his throat he managed; "I must go. I have... something- work- to work on the- screwdriver. I need to find one." And headed for the door.

"Wait!" Lister stopped him. "Um dinner?"

Rimmer turned around and finally looked at Lister, confusion on his face. "Pardon?"

"Tonight- I mean- We could go tonight after we have dinner. If- if you want dinner?"

"Dinner?"

"Yeah. Food. Share a pizza?"

"Lister. I don't know if you've noticed, but I can't share anything."

"Yeah we can! You asked Holly for that sandwich, you could ask for pizza too right?"

Rimmer paused. Asking Holly for that sandwich had been the decision of a drunken man and had never realised it was something that could have been done, but Lister was right, he was able to have food. Though while it's not nearly the same experience, the taste should still be the same. Probably. And so long as the food is held... like pizza...

"Yes." Rimmer found himself saying. "Yes. Pizza sounds nice. I think. I've never had one, but I hear it's lovely."

The flip flops in Lister's belly returned. "Yeah? You've never had pizza before? Good. I mean, it'll be great showing you something new."

Rimmer pinkened at Lister's earnest face. "Yes. Well I must dash-"

"Wait! Um-" Lister faltered trying to think of a number. A number. _Any number_. "Seven? In that fancy restaurant in the officer's section?"

Rimmer blinked. _A pizza in the fancy officer's-only restaurant?_

"Okay."

\---

You may or may not have noticed that chapters 1 - 9 have been updated slightly. Not by much, but a little bit here and there just to make sure the story is flowing as consistently as I can manage. It's not necessary to re-read the fic, though.


	12. Chapter 12

It had been three hours since Rimmer left their room, but Lister had yet to leave. Normally he'd go piss about somewhere, usually snooping in the empty quarters of his former shipmates, but right now, Lister had something weighing him down and making it impossible to move.

_When the smegging fuck did I get a crush on Rimmer?_

It hadn't escaped his notice that three hours earlier, him and Rimmer both had asked each other out on what are (probably) essentially _dates_ , the other _accepting_ said invitation for a (probably) date.

Lister had acted in the heat of the moment, submitted himself to the will of those pesky butterflies in his stomach. Ignoring all reason. Ploughing towards a goal he never set out to achieve, but ended up running in that lane anyway. It felt as if somebody had tampered with the race track and moved an arrow in the winding, confusing road far away from the actual marked-out lane, but he somehow found himself enjoying the thrill of the dark forest, the hidden beauty of the overgrown flora, and the joy of gently petting the timid deer he meets along the way.

_Rimmer!?!?_ Lister groans loudly and sinks down so far in his chair that he is in danger of falling off. Holly appears on the screen.

"Hello Dave."

"Hey."

"I can't help but notice you seem to be a bit out of sorts."

Lister gave a sarcastic snort. "You could say that."

"Well what's the matter then?"

Lister didn't reply straight away, too busy trying to compose a legible sentence from the swirl of confusion, and poking absentmindedly at his half-empty can of larger.

"I'm confused." Lister finally admitted.

"About what?"

"About Rimmer."

"Ah."

"I asked him out on a smegging date,"

"I see. I thought you were going to turn him down?"

"I _was!_ "

"But?"

"I _dunno!_ I Don't _smegging know_ what happened. One moment I was going to turn the bloke down, the next minute I'm asking him out to dinner." Lister gave a frustrated sigh and pulled himself back up on his chair, turning to face Holly directly. "What should I do Holly?"

"Well I'm not sure if Arnold is into flowers, but it can't hurt to try your traditional rose."

"Not about that!"

"What about then?"

"I- I don't know. _Holly_ it's _Rimmer!_ "

"Yes?"

"You know what he's like! All _up up up the zigonaut_ " Lister mimed with contempt. "He's the bloke who actually quotes his swimming certificates as career achievements! He puts _name tags_ in his _underwear!_ He's so smegged up in the head, he almost had us all killed in that Better Than Life game!" Lister slouched back down with his arms crossed looking more like a pouty child. "It's not fair!"

"Well to be fair to Arnold, he didn't have the best childhood, as you know, and something like that can really mess a bloke up."

Lister softened when he remembered what Rimmer had told him about his childhood; the bullying, the traction machine, how he almost starved due to malnutrition, some real traumatising events and sometimes he forgets that this happened to a small child, and not the grown man Lister knows today. The man is obsessed with gaining approval from a family who will likely never give it to him even if he _did_ succeed, and who will _never_ give it to him anyway because they're all _dead_.

"Alright Hol, you win with that one, but he's still _Rimmer!_ A relationship between us just won't work, and I'm not talking about the whole dead thing. He's too much of a git, I'm not convinced he can get past all of those problems. A relationship is a two way street you know, _I_ have to be happy too! He delights in taking the smeg out of every little thing I do, I'm not convinced that's the basis of a healthy relationship."

"Perhaps he's like that because he fancies you?"

"Then he was in love with the whole bleeding ship then!" Lister threw his hands up to punctuate his point. " _Nobody_ liked him! He was the biggest smeghead on the ship! I was told early on that the person I replaced threw themselves out the _bloody airlock_ to get away from him!"

"Well perhaps he'll calm down once he's in a relationship."

"Yeah right, Holly."

"Also that wasn't true. Nobody threw themselves out an airlock."

"No?" Lister asked hopefully.

"No." Holly confirmed, then after a beat " _Well_... there was an _attempt_."

Lister sighed heavily and sunk down in his chair again. A small stretch of silence passed between them.

"I shouldn't be telling you this, it's against regulation."

Lister's interest peaked at the suggestion of a secret.

"But I'm not sure you're aware of the amount of bullying Arnold received on this ship."

Lister rolled his eyes. "Oh all that smeg with Peterson, Chen and Selby wasn't anything serious Holly, we were only messing around."

"No, not that."

Lister sat back up. "What then?"

"There were instances of assault and battery from the higher ups. Arnold believed that once he was made an officer, it'd all stop."

" _What?_ " Lister breathed. "When?"

"It didn't start straight away, but our Arnold has been here since he were 18. Over time, everybody stopped caring. Arnold became increasingly bitter, which made everybody care less and less until it was simply believed that he deserved it, or a blind eye was turned. It happened more often than you'd think. It was mostly humiliation, but things got physical on occasion."

The colour drained out of Lister's face as he remembered the hallucinogenic mushroom incident. It left Rimmer bollock naked during an inspection parade save from a pair of gloves and a some swimming goggles, where he attacked two officers believing them to be armed and dangerous giraffes. "Oh _smeg!_ Shit, smeg, smeg, smegging _hell_ , Holly! And I _contributed!_ " Sure Lister didn't mean for it to go quite so far, and he wasn't aware that the inspection parade was that day, but he did it for a laugh nonetheless.

Holly looked sympathetic. "Well I'm not going to deny that, Dave."

Lister closed his eyes in pained regret. "Oh _smeeeeeg_." He groaned. "Why didn't the captain _do_ anythin'?"

"He did. Technically."

" _Technically?_ " Lister repeated. "Technically _how?_ "

"There was an investigation put forward for the assaults, but nobody talked."

"And there wasn't any effort _beyond_ that? What about security footage?"

"It always mysteriously vanishes from my system. There was never any hard evidence against any one individual and never enough circumstantial evidence to move forward. The captain wasn't a bad person, Dave, and he never contributed, but he didn't know what to do about this apparent conspiracy. We had lengthy discussions about it."

"...and nobody was ever found guilty? _Smeg_."

"Well-"

" _Kochanski!_ Kochanski wasn't involved was she? She can't have been!"

"I can't tell you if she knew something or not, but no, Kristine was never involved."

Lister felt relieved at that. He couldn't stand falling for a person who'd stoop low enough to inflict harm on somebody for a laugh.

"I know who it was now, Dave." Holly regained Lister's attention. "Now that his personality disc is in the system, I have full access to all of his memory files. According to what's on there, Arnold always knew who the people were, but never reported them."

" _What!?_ "

"He thought it would impede on his progression here if he became a grass."

"Oh for _smeg's sake!_ " Lister threw his arms up in the air again. A fresh wave of frustration washed over him like a tsunami, but this time, it was seeping painfully into his bones, making him desperately want to shake the stupidity out of the holographic man. Or punch somebody. But the people he wants to punch have long-since perished.

" _Why!?_ " Lister asked desperately. " _Why_ is he like that? Why does he _care_ so much about ranking? Why does he lie down and take _actual assault_ just because of a _bloody_ job? Why is it that he's the _only_ person on this smegging ship who believes climbing up the _bladdy ladder_ is more important than basic human decency?"

" _And why do I smegging fancy him_?" Lister downed the rest of his larger and chucked the empty can a bit too roughly into the bin (that missed and fell onto the floor instead).

Holly waited for a moment until he was sure Lister had finished. "...I dunno, Dave... What do you like about him?"

Lister took a calming breath and paused to consider. _What do I like about him?_

"Well...I..." Lister wetted his lips, considering his thoughts and feelings towards the, now, holographic man. One thing in particular bubbled up and paused in his throat, unsure of how exactly to express itself.

It was in that moment that Rimmer entered the room, the Scutters following behind.

" _Rimmer!?_ " Lister shot up out of his chair so quickly, that when he turned towards the door, he took the chair with him, tripping over it and painfully crashing to the ground with a " _Fuck! Smeg!_ ". Getting back up, Lister attempted to proceed forward, but ended up stepping through the frame of the chair and crashing back down again, this time, at least, landing on Rimmer's bunk.

Rimmer watched on, astonished. "What _are_ you doing?"

Lister picked himself up with an "Um..."

Rimmer notices Holly and turns back to see Lister's shockingly guilty face. He bristled.

"Were you _talking_ about me?"

_Shit_. Lister panicked. _Distract him! Say something! ANYTHING!_

"ILIKEYOURSMILE!" He shouted over the panicked voices in his head

_Oh Jesus balls on a stick_.

Rimmer paused and blinked three times. " _Pardon?_ "

Lister immediately turned beet red and scrambled desperately to explain. "I like it when you smile! Um- you know, really smile like, like a genuine smile- the kind where you're actually happy and excited you know, like when you were teaching me morris dancing and I finally got that move right and you kinda looked at me with that smile like-" Lister rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably, aware that he's now rambling, but unable to stop because Rimmer was looking at him with this sort-of astonished hopeful look, and his eyes were really rather lovely actually. "-and you're really quite handsome when you smile, your eyes sort of crinkle and you really notice how hazel your eyes are, but they've got like, bits of green in there I've never noticed before-"

Rimmer didn't know when he moved forward, but he blinked to find he was standing directly in front of the soppy Scouser.

"You do?" Rimmer questioned hesitantly, as if he was expecting the rug to be violently pulled from underneath him.

Said soppy Scouser didn't miss the drop of Rimmer's gaze from his eyes to his lips. Emboldened, Lister moved closer. "Yeah..."

Rimmer paused to search Lister's eyes for a long moment, first looking unsure, but then slowly seeming to accept something he saw. Lister watched as Rimmer's anxieties visually melted from his face, and his pupils blowing wide, and a small delighted smile dawned on his face.

" _Oh._ "

Lister melted and a stupid soppy smile spread across his face. Emboldened further, Lister took another half-step forward. " _I like it when you're happy_..." Lister finished with a whisper, purposely arching upwards. Lister's butterflies made his stomach turn entirely upside down when he heard Rimmer's breath hitch at his words before leaning down.

Lister's eyes fluttered closed and he shifted his hand to cup the other man's cheek, but before it made it's destination, before their lips could meet, a loud set of _whiiiring_ noises, following by metal clanging broke the pair apart with a start.

The Skutters had gotten impatient waiting and were demanding for Rimmer to get their task over with by banging themselves against the table and walls.

Rimmer turned back to meet Lister's dark eyes again, but he cleared his throat and stepped backwards, trying to compose himself. "Yes, well." He stood awkwardly for a moment, trying to process what happened (and what almost happened), but failing miserably. Instead he found himself opening and closing his mouth wordlessly like a fish. A fond smile grew on Lister's face, a smile he Rimmer had never seen from Lister, not one directed at himself. It was the smile he gave Kochanski when she did something he found particularly endearing. Rimmer didn't think he was being endearing at all right now, he thought he must look like a right gimp, but the revelation of this type of smile shocked Rimmer out of his state.

He scrambled to remember his original purpose of being in this room and rounded on the Skutters when he finally remembered part of his original plan. "Take those red folders over there." He ordered them, and each Skutter did exactly that; collecting a a folder each and wheeling back out of the room, leaving Rimmer and Lister to whatever weird things the humans do.

Rimmer turned back to Lister, but had nothing to say. Instead he nodded a goodbye and swiftly headed to the door.

"Hey Rimmer," Lister called after gently, following him to the door. Rimmer turned around to find a slow elated smile spreading across Lister's face. Rimmer hesitated for a moment, but Lister's butterflies exploded when Rimmer replied with a sweet _genuine_ smile where his eyes crinkled and the green in his hazel eyes sparkled.

Lister melted like the puddle of pathetic goo he is.

"Tonight?" Lister confirmed softly, now both men have a better understanding that tonight is, actually, in fact, an _actual_ , _real_ _date_.

Rimmer nodded; "Tonight." He confirmed before turning around and promptly bumping his bee into the wall rather than heading through the open door. He was flung backwards, a cute bewildered expression on his face. Lister smirked fondly while Rimmer cleared his throat and tried to look dignified while an embarrassed flush bloomed on his face, before walking off.

Lister stood there for far too long staring at the, now, closed door, breathing heavy, and quietly battling to keep his heart from beating straight out of his chest.

A pregnant pause filled the room as Lister slowly realised that Holly was still there.

"...so you like his smile then?"


	13. Chapter 13

\--Three Hours Earlier--

" _Seven? In that fancy restaurant in the officer's section?_ "

" _Okay._ "

Rimmer analysed and re-analysed the conversation over and over and over again searching for _any_ instance which may suggest this is all an elaborate prank designed to humiliate him. Rimmer could think of several reasons _why_ Lister might plan this as one big joke, boredom being at the top of the list next to " _Rimmer's a smeg head let's just do it for a laugh_ ", but so far The Cat has been nowhere near when most things have happened. If Rimmer knows that vain moron, he'd delight in watching _The Joke_ play out before him rather than waiting for Lister to relay everything back.

There's only one thing to do;

Spy on Lister's conversations with The Cat.

That's obviously the only thing that can be done here.

"Holly!" Rimmer called to the nearest monitor, Holly appeared instantly.

"Arnold?"

"Holly I want you to play back _every_ conversation Lister has had with The Cat since he led us out of the ventilator."

Holly frowned in confusion. "What for?"

"Just do it you senile teletext page! And don't you dare think of leaving any out. I demand full access to this footage as acting senior member on this ship!"

"Oh alright keep your suspenders on." Holly tutted, and then in a lower voice; "I don't know why I bother with you." He muttered.

"Just get on with it!" Rimmer demanded impatiently. Holly gave a displeased look before vanishing and pulling up the requested security footage. None of it was particularly interesting, though the conversation Lister attempted to have about the meaning of life (of all things) with The Cat was very amusing. After a couple of hours worth of footage, most of it he had to fastforward because the pair were literally doing nothing except existing in the same room together, there was, however, one peculiar conversation that did come up;

" _Cat, I wanna ask ya about Frankenstein again_." Screen-Lister sat down next to the Cat who was sewing by their table.

Screen-Cat paused his sewing. " _The Holy Mother?_ "

" _Yeah._ " Lister nodded in confirmation. " _If I'm Cloister, then who's the other bloke in those paintings I've seen?_ "

" _Oh._ " Cat said as if there was literally only one person Lister could possibly be referring to. " _That's Rambo the Cowardly._ " Cat grinned, apparently taking pride in knowing things the humans don't for once.

Lister's face contorted into a mixture of disgust and amusement. " _Rambo the Cowardly? Rambo?_"

" _Yeah!_ " The Cat nodded in excitement.

" _Why'd he get the cool name and I got something that sounds like a breed of mollusk!?_ "

" _Hey!_ " The Cat paused, all hints of humour dropped. " _I'm still not entirely convinced you're Cloister the Stupid!_" He looked Lister up and down with _very_ displeased look.

Lister brushed it off and cracked a grin. " _Well if you're not convinced about Cloister, you'd just about die when you find out who Rambo is_."

Cat turned to face Lister fully, intrigue written all over his face. " _Who?_ "

" _Whose the only other person with us?_ "

The Cat appeared to think hard about that question before he brightened. " _The Floating Head!_ "

Lister rolled his eyes. " _No, not Holly._ "

The Cat thought hard again. " _Toast thing!_ "

Lister shook his head once more, " _No not the Talkie Toaster._ "

Cat frowned and looked put out. " _Then I don't know who you're talking about. There aint anybody else here!_"

Lister stared at Cat incredulously for a long moment before finally deciding to forgo the bone, to chuck in the entire skeleton instead; " _Rimmer! Cat, he's Rimmer!_"

" _Oh yeah!_ " Cat exclaimed, " _I forgot about that guy! He's still here?_ "

Lister gave an exasperated sigh; " _Yes, Cat, he's still here._ "

Cat huffed. " _I don't know why you keep him around!_" The penny dropped. " _Hang on. Are you trying to tell me that Grand-Canyon Nostrils is Rambo the Cowardly?_ "

" _Yeah, he saved me cat Frankenstein from being found by hiding her in that vent up there-_ " Lister pointed to said vent. " _He then lied about not seeing her._ "

The Cat dropped his sewing onto the table and looked pointedly from Lister to the vent, back to Lister again. " _In there?_ " He asked. " _That was the sanctuary Rambo bestowed upon the Holy Mother?_ "

" _Yeah. He also stole some cat food and was feedin' her in secret._ "

Cat stared at Lister for another long moment. " _What?_ "

" _Rimmer saved me cat's life! And he fed her, petted her an everythin', real smegging cute it was._ " Lister shrugged, a small unsure frown on his face.

" _Cute?_ "

" _Yeah well... he kinda is cute aint he?_ "

" _You think Alphabet-Head is cute?!_" Cat asked scandalised. " _Cute!?_ "

" _Well I- Cat?_ "

The Cat had gotten up and scooped up his sewing. " _I don't know who I'm socialising with_." He then stalked off towards and out the door.

Lister called after him. " _Hey! He's not so bad, actually Cat! Cat!_ " But The Cat never replied back. Lister huffed and appeared to consider something for a minute, then he jumped over to his bed and fished out a book (his diary, Rimmer seemed to recognise).

That was when the footage was cut short, and Holly appeared back on screen.

"So did you find what you were looking for?" He asked.

Rimmer stood there for a moment, still stunned at the revelation that Lister, firstly, knew about him and his pet cat, and secondly Lister admitted he thought he was cute.

" _Cute_ " wasn't exactly a word he'd attribute to himself, but apparently the grubby Scouser would... and has.

"No." Rimmer admitted. He truly thought he'd run across some secret plan, but there appears to be nothing of the sort.

What does that mean?

It couldn't mean that everything that happens has been genuine? Could it?

Rimmer thought back to their last conversation; " _Seven? In that fancy restaurant in the officer's section?_ "

That couldn't be a genuine date.

Could it?

"You alright, Arnold?" Holly asked, breaking through Rimmer's thoughts.

Rimmer looked back at Holly ready to tell him to " _piss off_ ", but found himself instead asking;

"What does Lister think of me?"

Truly Holly wasn't expecting such a question, but he answered truthfully anyway. "I think he fancies you."

Rimmer's eyebrows shot up. "Really?"

"Yeah. That or he's in the habit of staring at bums a lot."

Rimmer deflated because that actually does sound like Lister.

"The bloke's going to use up the rest of Red Dwarf's water supply with the way he's going with those cold showers." Holly commented almost offhandedly. "After that incident in the gym, he couldn't get in one fast enough."

There was a slight pause as Rimmer struggled to come up with something to say.

"Ere," Holly carried on, "He wasn't like that with Kristine now was he? But then again he didn't live with her..." He mused.

Rimmer didn't know what to think.

_Lister's diary_. He suddenly remembered.

Rimmer cleared his throat, straightened up and pretended to be formal. "Yes, indeed. Well I must be off. I have a lot of work to do you know." And without further ado, Rimmer stalked off out of the room, intending to locate the Skutters and get them to pry out the diary so he could read, that surely must hold the answers he truly seeks.

All he needed to do was think of some excuse to randomly appear back with the Skutters if Lister was still there.

Yes. Good plan.

Holly watched him walk off, with full knowledge of what he intends to do.

"I'm a sly old bastard aren't I?"


	14. Chapter 14

6:07:57 PM exactly, and one Arnold J Rimmer BSc, SSc is fretting around in the drive room of Red Dwarf, his wits completely beside him as he tries to choose an outfit for his upcoming date. A dinner date with one David Lister, last known human in the universe, the slobbiest creature to ever exist, probably fathered by a takeaway vindaloo, the intelligence of a brain-dead rabbit,

And the only person Rimmer has ever felt anything more than baseline attraction for.

How the holy smegging fuck Rimmer managed to dig _that_ particular hole, he shall never know.

" _Holly!_ " He shouts with a hysterical edge. "I can't wear _this!_ " He gestures to his admiral uniform adorned with medals, his go-to for any occasion such as this.

"Why not?" Holly frowned in confusion

"Because he _knows_ I'm not an admiral! He _knows_ these are just long-service medals! _Nothing_ about this will be impressive to him!"

Holly sighed. "Well what would be impressive to him?"

"I don't know! He doesn't _do_ formal. I can't turn up in a full tuxedo, I'll be overdressed!"

"How about a nice dress shirt, unbuttoned top button, no tie, but keeping the blazer? Pair it with a nice pair of jeans and some formal shoes." Holly smiled nodded satisfied with his suggestion.

Rimmer considered the computer for an extended moment, his flared nostrils was the only telltale sign that what Holly has just suggested was not well received. Holly braced himself for what was to come.

" _JEANS!?_ " Rimmer yelled, insulted.

"Oh Gordon Bennett..."

"What the _smeg_ do you take me for you babboon-brained turd flinger! You will _not_ find me in a pair of _jeans_."

"I _really_ don't know why I'm bothering with you."

-

Quarter past 6 and Lister had just stepped out of an actual, real, shower complete with scrubbing and everything. He had also gone so far as to _brush his teeth_.

Holly appeared. "Hello Dave. Just popping in to see how you're doing... Though to be honest with you, I'm really here to have a break from Arnold." He rolled eyes. "He's a real right one he is." Holly paused for a beat.

"Don't know what you see in the bloke." He said honestly.

Lister grinned. _I don't smegging know either but here I am-_ "Why what's he doing?"

"He's trying to figure out what to wear for your date. He's right up in arms about it."

Lister's smile turned fond. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah and by the looks of it, you're also putting in a considerable effort. I don't think I've ever seen your toothbrush before."

"Yeah well, Rimmer won't take anything less will he?"

"Not really. Is there anything I can help _you_ with instead?" Holly asked sounding hopeful.

"Nah- well- maybe. I wanna look a little formal like, but I don't own anything like that. Do you have any suggestions?"

Holly paused to think, his eyes darting to the side in deep thought. Very deep thought.

"You could probably wear one of your work pants, button up one of your gaudy Hawaiian shirts to tuck into them, and put on a nice tie?"

Lister considered this. "Yeah? You think that'd work?"

"No." Holly said plainly. "But it's the best I've got."

Lister shrugged and jumped over to find the cleanest set of clothes he can find. Preferably a shirt that won't entirely clash with the shade of brown the trousers have. Unfortunately he couldn't' find one that didn't look completely weird, but Lister had to admit that Holly's idea was literally the only idea, so he carried on anyway hoping it'd all come together in the end. He dressed, tucking his shirt into his pants (something he's not done since his very first day of high school) and searched for a tie.

A tie. He did have a tie, but it was a JMC tie and would make him look even stupider. Lister considered this and decided to raid Rimmer's draws. He knows the man has a black tie somewhere.

_Ah-ha!_

Lister hurried to do the tie up, but paused mid-fold. Cautiously he brought the tie to to his nose.

After three million years, the tie still smelled like the man it once belonged to.

Lister couldn't help the stupid smile that stretched across his face before taking another cheeky sniff.

"Oh for heavens's sake," Holly piped up, rolling his eyes. "I'll just pretend I didn't see that, shall I?"

-

6:43:12 PM.

" _Holly!_ " Rimmer shouted a third time. Finally the computer appeared. "Where have you been!? I need you!"

"Oh calm down, Arnold. I was helping David get ready."

"Whatever. I've decided what I should wear." Rimmer stated.

"Alright, go on then I'll see if I have it on file."

"Do you have the traditional Ionian men's wear?"

Holly thought. "I should have, yes. Hang about-"

A nano second later and Rimmer's admiral's uniform changed to an emerald green uniform consisting of green trousers, green top, green boots a little green-cap-like hat complete with a little silly-looking antenna.

Rimmer stood proudly in the outfit.

Holly looked at him bemused. "You two really are a right pair."

-

One minute to seven. Lister was running late. He had to leg it for the pizza (which had been done ahead of time, it was just a matter of keeping it warm) and rush to sort out their table. He lit a candle, added a rose and asked Holly to play upbeat Mexican music instead of the slow stuff.

He didn't want it to feel everything was going _too_ fast, after all.

Lister double-checked the table before rushing to the door.

One minute past seven, Lister exited the restaurant and had to double take when he saw Rimmer waiting there. The man was dressed in the _stupidest_ outfit Lister had ever seen in his entire life. Green everywhere from his boots to whatever that stupid smegging cap was supposed to be. What was he trying to contact alien life with that antenna? Lister tried to hold back a snort of laughter;

"Hello... _Captain Emerald_." He greeted.

Rimmer frowned and looked down. "This is a traditional Ionian uniform. Don't you like it?"

Lister bit his lip trying not to lose it.

"You know what..." He managed to get out. "I do actually." He said honestly.

Lister closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, his smiling out of control. " _Smeg._ " _I just might smegging die right now and on me grave will be_ " _David Lister, death by the adorable eccentricity of the biggest doink in the universe."_

"You don't like it." Rimmer said, his dismayed voice betraying him.

Lister scrambled to assure him; "Yeah I do! Honestly! I just- I just think you're so smegging cute, man, I really wanna kiss you."

Rimmer's heart leapt. "You do?"

Lister rubbed his shoulder anxiously. "Yeah, sorry I'm just a bit nervous you know," He admitted.

" _Oh_."

A beat of silence stretched as Rimmer regarded Lister's outfit.

"Is that _my_ tie?"

Lister looked down as if he was expecting the tie to have left for work earlier that evening. "Ah yeah, sorry,"

Rimmer rolled his eyes "What is it with you and wearing my clothes?"

Lister shrugged, "Dunno,", and opened the door to let Rimmer pass through. "Guess it makes me feel closer to you-" Lister paused, surprised, not expecting for an explanation like _that_ to have come out, but it did, and it hung there.

Rimmer stared intently at Lister, who shuffled his feet nervously.

Without warning, Rimmer lent down and practically buried his nose into Lister's neck. Lister's breath hitched and his belly flipped a full 360.

Rimmer lent back enough to still be a little _too_ close. "Is that my body wash?"

Lister gawped as he noticed how the green in Rimmer's outfit brilliantly brought out the green in his eyes, but the green wasn't there for long because Rimmer's eyes blown so wide, the colour was almost impossible to see. "Smegging hell, man, are you trying to murder me?" Lister breathed, watching Rimmer add five shades of blush from up close.

" _Um-_ "

Lister gave a nervous laugh as he pulled himself away. "We're not even at the table yet, you silly smegger." He beckoned Rimmer forwards. "Come on."

Rimmer followed dumbly to the table Lister had set out; the table was decorated with a white sheet, a candle and a singular rose in the middle. On Lister's side lay a curry-smelling cardboard box with the word "Pizza" written on it, next to a couple of cans of larger and a wine glass (for the larger??). It was then he noticed the music. He turned to Lister with an eyebrow raised;

"Curried pizza with jazzy Mexican music in an upper-class restaurant that normally serves French cuisine?" He questioned.

Lister nodded eagerly. "Yeah innit good. Music's much better than the smeg _they_ had lined up." He hurried to Rimmer's side of the table and pulled out his chair. "Now hurry up, I wanna introduce you to a pizza!"

Rimmer hesitated for a second before allowing Lister to tuck the chair under him so he could appear to be sitting decently at the table. He eyed Lister's pizza.

"We're not having curried pizza are we?"

Lister sunk down in his chair and cracked open his box. "Nah, this is fer me. I think you'd like that Hawaiian pizza actually."

"Hawaiian?" Rimmer watched as Lister poured himself a wineglass of larger.

"It's got ham and pineapple on it. Bit of a controversial one, I don't like it meself, but I know you like pineapple." Lister smiled and took a sip of his glass.

Rimmer does not know whether or not to find all of this charming. Lister's idea of a dinner date was certainly... _unique_.

Nevertheless he nodded and directed himself towards the computer. "Holly can I have a slice of Hawaiian pizza?" He asked and a split second later, a slice appeared in his hands.

Lister held his head in his hands as he watched Rimmer inspect the slice of pizza with a critical eye. He eyed the piece of pineapple in particular suspiciously. Rimmer's gaze flickered over to Lister for a moment, where Lister replied with an encouraging smile. Then Rimmer bit off a generous portion of the slice.

Rimmer's face exploded into pure bliss, the pineapple sweet on his tongue, contrasting very well with the saltiness of the cheese, he couldn't help the groan of pleasure that escaped him, and he didn't care. All that mattered right now was this _pizza!_

Lister, meanwhile, gazed at the other man with the soppiest, most stupidest expression as he basked in the enraptured face of his bunkmate.

"This is _so good_." Rimmer moaned as he polished off the slice. Lister tried not to notice the feelings that stirred below as Rimmer sucked the sauce off the ends of his long fingers.

"Like it?" Lister asked, completely entranced.

"Like it? It's smegging _magnificent!_ I can't believe I've never had pizza before." The joy in Rimmer's eyes was more than enough to send Lister's heart straight into his throat. "Holly another slice please!" Rimmer ordered, and he tucked straight into his second slice.

Lister gave one last fond smile before he grew serious. "Rimmer," His tone caught Rimmer's attention and brought him back down. "I have somethin' I have to say actually."

Rimmer's face turned pale and he dropped his pizza slice which immediately vanished. " _Oh God_ ," Lister jumped as he saw panic fill Rimmer's eyes; "You don't like me!" Rimmer exclaimed.

" _No no no_ , nothin' like that Rimmer!" Lister got to his feet and leaned across the table to try and grab the other man's hand, feeling nothing but air and the faint buzz of electricity.

"This was all just a prank to _humiliate_ me!" Rimmer shot up, Lister followed.

" _No it isn't!_ "

" _Yes it is_ , Lister you've _always_ been like this!" Rimmer snarled. "I should have know better than to _trust_ you!"

Lister had to admit that while that stung, he knew Rimmer was right.

"Rimmer, no!" Lister called as Rimmer walked away from the table. "Rimmer!" No reply, so Lister shot after him, pulling desperately at Rimmer's projection in attempt to hold him.

" _Arnold, please!_ "

Rimmer faltered at the use of his first name, Lister took the opportunity to put himself in front of the man.

"I wanted to ask you out!" Lister cried, "To be my _boyfriend!_ "

Rimmer's dark furrow rose to his hairline and then back down to a furrow. " _Why_ would you want that?" Rimmer asked, looking pointedly away from Lister, but at least, Lister noted, he was still standing there.

"Because I _like_ you ya daft smegger." Lister sad softly, trying to lighten the mood. "There's a really nice bloke in there," Lister pointed to Rimmer's chest, "Who you hide a bit too well, but I fancy the smegging pants off him. Please don't close back up,"

Rimmer didn't speak, but Lister saw the telltale twitch of Rimmer's lips.

"Also..." Lister started slowly. "I wanna apologise about those mushrooms." Lister rubbed his shoulder. "And everything else, but the mushrooms in particular. I shouldn't have done it. I didn't intend for it to get so out of hand, but even if I didn't, it was no excuse. You didn't deserve it."

Rimmer blinked at Lister in surprise. "Really?"

Lister nodded. "Yeah really, and I really, really _do_ wanna date you so..."

Lister hung there for a long stretch of time. So long had passed that he almost missed the soft, " _Okay_."

The 10,000 watt smile Rimmer received at that convinced him that Lister was (at least a little) genuine. Nobody can fake a smile like that.


	15. Chapter 15

It took a little prodding to get the hologram to sit back down, but he was quiet and wanted to look anywhere other than Lister. Normally this would be a situation where Lister would hold his partner's hand, or give them reassuring kisses, but he knew he could do neither. Instead, he settled for trying to make eye contact and asked;

"How are ya feeling?"

Rimmer's first instinct is to bite out a harsh " _Fine!_ " and add a " _Piss off Lister!_ ", but instead he found himself with too many incriminating things battling to fill his mouth, but, really, were they all _that_ incriminating now that he accepted Lister as his _boyfriend_? His plan to convince the gerbil faced little goit that his initial confession was just a " _friend-thing_ " had voluntarily flushed itself down the crapper, leaving behind a little suicide note that read " _For once in you weasley little life, you pathetic floppy dildo, go for the thing that will make you happy!_ "

But at the same time, Rimmer's mind was screaming this is too good to be true! " _What about Kochanski?_ " It questions, " _He can't just fall out of love with a woman like that, who do you think you are?_ " It demands. " _Do you seriously think you're better than that woman? She was a console officer for smeg's sake, and a competent one at that!_ " The voice in his head darkens. " _You can't touch him._ " It hisses. " _You can't please him! What makes you think he won't get bored with you and piss off the first chance he gets?_ "

Meanwhile, Lister, having received no response from the other man, gets back up off his chair and maneuvers it so that he was now sitting comfortably next to Rimmer, with his arm draped over the back of Rimmer's chair.

"Rimmer, love, ya alright?" He asks gently.

This slapped Rimmer out of his thoughts, and roughly pulled his head around to meet Lister's concerned gaze. He had never been called " _love_ " before. He didn't know what to say, but the conflicting emotions Rimmer has been battling ever since _The Confession_ has started to take it's toll on the man. Despite his current living status, he was beginning to feel very tired.

Lister saw this wariness in his eyes and decided not to prod further with anything just yet. Instead he moved to address Holly. "Hey Hol, give Rimmer a barbecue based meat feat will ya? And give him one of those little tubs of garlic mayonnaise too." He put on a big smile and turned to his own, still untouched, pizza. The slice appeared in Rimmer's hand, a tub of sauce appeared in the other. "You'll love this one, man, real tasty." He winked cheekily as he tucked into his own slice.

Lister was telling the truth, he loved it. Vaguely Rimmer wondered just how much knowledge of his preference in food the man held, and just exactly when had he been observed.

-

Lister bounded down the hallway like a small boy off the the playground. Rimmer tutted behind him. "Honestly, Lister, you behave more like a child every day. Are you _sure_ you're not ageing backwards?"

"Aw come on Rimmer, you just think I'm cute. Admit it." Lister teased as they reached the Cat Civilisation entrance.

Rimmer pinkened and stubbornly folded his arms. "No."

Lister snickered. "So do you want to go in first, or shall I?"

"Does it matter?"

"Course it does. If I go in first, you get to stare at me bum, and if you go in first, _I_ get to stare at _yours!_ "

Rimmer grew pinker and turned away. "I think I shall take a more dignified route, thank you Lister."

"Aw Rimmer, you're me boyfriend now, you can stare at whatever you want." Lister moved round to look at his face. "I'll even strip and go in naked if you'd like." He snickered at Rimmer's face.

"Do you have to be so vulgar?"

"Says the one. _I've_ read your diary."

Rimmer stiffened. "You've what now?"

"Yeah," Lister nodded eagerly and puffed out an appreciative breath, "Page 265 in Diary 6 is well naughty. Can't tell you how many times I got off on that one. You've got a real talent, man."

Rimmer spluttered, "You- you _masturbated_ to my diaries?"

"I have to get me porn from somewhere." He replied with a shrug.

" _You masturbated to my diaries?_ " He repeated, disbelieving. "How long for?"

"Oh well, I normally have to be a bit quick about it before ya find me, but if it were up to me I'd-"

" _Not that!_ "

Lister sniggered and decided to answer properly this time; "Found them first day. You're really bad at hiding them ya know? All lined up nice and neat like with little labels and everythin'."

Lister's smile grew naughty and he took a step towards the hologram. "Ya know... I always wondered why the other figure suddenly got brown skin, lost her name, and all mention of tits and vagina vanishes. You even switched to neutral pronouns." His eyelids became heavy as he gazed hotly at the taller man, Rimmer sucked in a shocked breath. He had never seen such an expression in real life before. His fantasies, yes, but never in real life...

"It was me wasn't it?" Lister asked knowingly, "You were writing porn about me weren't ya?"

Rimmer could literally feel his projection updating him bright red. He wanted to sink straight into the floor, hide his face permanently inside the metal walls and never reappear _ever_ again.

" _In!_ " He found himself shouting, pointing towards the open vent. "Get in Lister, you're going first."

Lister's cheeky grin returned. "Ah so you want to oogle _my_ bum then." he wriggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Get in, Lister before I write you up!"

Lister laughed. "What for? Wrigglin me eyebrows?"

" _Yes_ and _everything_ else." He screamed, " _In_ Lister."

Lister headed over to the vent entrance. "And who are ya gonna file them to? _Dear Deirdre?_ "

"Get _in_ , and that's an _order!_ " He commanded, face burning red and a desperate look in his eyes.

" _Smeg_ , Rimmer." Lister breathed as he entered the duct, remembering some aspects of the diary, " _I hope yer like this in bed._ "

-

Out of the duct, Lister guided Rimmer to the city centre. "It's super interesting, man, and I'm sure you'd find it interesting too. I think the people on the walls are like historical heroes of ancient battles or somethin'. You're into all that war smeg, you can figure it out." Lister pointed to one said depiction of a humanoid-cat looking victorious over a defeated enemy. She was sporting a doughnut crown and had a long, thick deep purple cape atop her armour.

"Hmm," Rimmer was unsure. "Cat history isn't going to line up with human history, Lister. If we were looking at humans from centuries ago, I'd suggest she was a member of royalty. Purple was a rare and valuable colour restricted to royalty by law. But she isn't human, and she could have gotten the cape from anywhere. I can't even _begin_ to speculate who she was."

"Sure ya can," Lister remained optimistic. "That was a good start, we just need to find out more don't we? We are the first humans to discover and uncover the mysteries of an _entirely new race_. Isn't that _interesting?_ "

"I suppose..."

"Also why was purple rare? Couldn't they have just... mixed red and blue together?"

Rimmer shrugged. "The process was long, difficult and expensive.... I don't know why. Perhaps they didn't have the right shades to produce such deep purples."

Lister _hmmd_ and headed towards another painting. "What about this bloke? He's got one of those coat of arms things, they always mean summert right?"

"Well..." Rimmer studied the decorated shield. " _Technically_ it isn't a coat of arms; a coat of arms consists of the shield, the supporters, crest - which is located atop the helmet, and isn't the shield which it's usually mistaken for - and the motto." Rimmer squinted at the shield. "I don't recognise _any of these_ symbols. Is that a _hairdryer?_ "

"Well what does that mean then?" Lister asked, squinting at the shield.

"It means that whoever this person was, was important. Not everybody gets to have a coat of arms, you know. They have to earn them through acts such as heroism or marrying into royalty."

"That easy then."

"Hmm... my family had one."

" _Really?_ You have a coat of arms?"

"No. I don't get to inherit it. Even if I didn't divorce my parents, only one single decedent would ever get to inherit such an honor-

And that was never going to bloody well be _me_ was it?" Rimmer's voice turned bitter. "I never _did_ get to find out which of the smegging _bastards_ got it." Rimmer paused in thought. "I bet it was _Frank_ that utter _tosser._ "

Lister smirked. "Aw don't worry about it, love, who wants to have _their_ coat of arms anyway? We can make our own."

Rimmer huffed. "Not anybody gets to just _make_ a coat of arms, Lister."

"Nonsense! We're the last humans remember? We can do whatever the smeg we like. None of _them_ matter anymore. they're _three smegging million years_ in the past! We're not bound by their rules anymore, man. We can make our own."

_Not bound by their rules anymore_. Rimmer was thrown back to a thought he had not long ago;

_Now you don't have anybody to disappoint! No family to shame! You now have the opportunity to explore a side of you you've desperately tried to hide all of your life..._

Unlike last time, however, he was stood next to the bloke who he thought hated him, but this time... this time he is now his boyfriend.

And his boyfriend was looking at him with such an endearing smile.

-

Lister didn't know what was going on under that silly little green cap of his, but he could tell that he had awakened some actual positive thoughts in the man; his eyes lit up and his mouth curved into a small hopeful smile, and the bitter expression he wore seconds earlier had all melted away.

"Come on," Lister said, turning to guide him down the tunnel, "I have somethin' I wanna show you."

Lister led Rimmer deeper into the tunnels until he got to a very specific spot.

"Look familiar?" He asked as he gestured to the painting.

Rimmer squinted at it. It was a tall white man with a large nose and-

_Is that me?_

Rimmer could _feel_ Lister coming closer to him, partially leaning through his projection. "You saved me cat's life." He murmured lowly into Rimmer's ear, eliciting a surprised shiver through Rimmer's whole body. "Ya fed her and gave her little scratches behind 'er ear." He chuckled softly. "You soft bugger."

Rimmer swallowed thickly. "I was simply...um..."

"I loved that cat you know,"

"I know,"

"We were gonna have baby cats,"

"Yes well,"

"She was a very sweet thing. Loved attention, soft as smeg,"

"She was..."

"You're a hero of an _entire civilisation_." Lister whispered gruffly, "Bet _Frank_ never did that."

Lister watched in amusement as Rimmer slowly absorbed that information and immediately swelled with self-importance.

"Yes, well, Listy. _Somebody_ had to save the poor vulnerable thing. She _was_ pregnant, you know. I couldn't simply stand and watch such an injustice." He stood tall, arms crossed, looking proud.

Lister subtly rolled his eyes good-naturedly, the man was so predictable.

"And you did it because...?"

Rimmer faltered, looking a little bashful. "Because justice Listy, that is all."

"Yeah?" Lister moved in front of the man. "And it had nothing to do with me?" Rimmer's eyes darted to the side, a clear sign of a guilty man. "I'd have been devastated, ya know."

"Yes I'm sure you would have been. You've always been too soft, Listy. I've _seen_ you with those stupid smegging soppy movies. I can't fathom why they make you blubber louder than a small child whose favourite teddy got mutilated, but here we are."

Lister thought for a moment. "Do you like that about me? That I show me soft side?"

_Yes_. "No, of course not." Rimmer huffed a lie, eyes refusing to meet Lister's.

Lister didn't buy it, a slow smile crept onto his face. " _Yeah ya do!_ I bet ya wanna put your _big strong arms_ around me, ey?"

_Yes! "No!_ "

"Hold me close?"

_Yes!_ " _No!_ "

"Make ya feel like the bigger man?"

_Yes!_ "No, absolutely not."

"Rub me shoulders, kiss me face? Whisper sweet things in me ear?"

_Yes! Yes!_ "Not at all, Lister!"

"Hate to see me truly broken, so you sneakily do something kind behind me back? Play your feelings off as irritation? Insult me to throw me off the scent?"

Lister leaned in closer with a knowing gaze. " _Secretly want to be my hero?_ "

" _YES! FINE! Okay Lister!_ " Rimmer blurted out and he started pacing erratically. " _Yes_ I want to _hold you_ you- you complete and _utter pain in the arse!_ "

" _Every single bloody day_ I had to deal with _you_ coming up with a _brand new smegging way_ to make me feel like a complete bloody nutter _feeling things_ I never thought existed!

" _Every- Single- Day_ , Lister, _every single day_ I had to watch you _prat about_ in your _underwear!_ I got a face full of _it_ every time you went _up and down_ your _smegging ladder_. It was _excruciating_.

"And you _bloody well know_ how _hard_ it is to _toss off_ when you've got a _roommate_ and the showers are _open and communal!_ I was _cursed_ to develop _permanent blue balls!_

"Not to mention your _stupid smegging ludicrous plan_ to move to _Fiji_ and open up a _farm_ with a sheep and a cow and breed _bloody_ horses, and you sit there _oblivious_ as all _smeg_ not _ever_ realising how _stupidly smegging adorable_ you sound

"So yes, _Lister_ , I want to _hold you_ and _kiss you_ and _love you_ , but I can't smegging well do any of _that now_ can I? Because I'm _dead!_ "

The last word echoed around the tunnels, followed by a long stretch of silence, filled only with Rimmer's harsh panting as he slowly came back down. Lister's hands twitched, desperately wanting to grab hold of the other man and throw him into the wall and show him _just exactly_ what he thinks in return.

Rimmer let out a long breath. "I'm _dead_ , Lister." He finished on a broken tone.

Lister thought for a moment and stepped closer; "No ya not,"

Rimmer rolled his eyes. "Lister, I don't believe you quite understand what being a _hologram_ means." Rimmer said levelly.

"Course I do! But you're a different person now. You have thoughts, feelings and experiences that the old you never had, you're still _living_ , but in a different sense, right? You'd die if yer bee got broken and your personality disc and all possible backups got broken or lost, I'd _feel_ like you'd die, I'd _mourn_ you just as much, and if that means a form of death, then this means a form of living, yeah?"

Rimmer had many things to say to that, but he couldn't string together anything resembling a competent sentence in his head. One of the strongest thoughts in his head was a clear " _Kiss him you pillock!_ ", except there was an obvious issue with that one.

"But I can't touch you," Rimmer whined softly.

"Yeah well," Lister shrugged it off. "You're still me hero aren't you?"

Rimmer looked at him confused.

"You saved Frankie, that makes you my _knight in Emerald armour_." He joked lightly, bumping his shoulder lightly into the hologram's.

\---

For those who are wondering, I'm not done with these two yet! I have _plans._


	16. Chapter 16

" _Over here!_ " Lister grinned excitedly, pulling Rimmer along by pure unblemished enthusiasm. "Its a _school!_ " He pushed open the door and presented the room to Rimmer with bouncing schoolboy energy. Sure, now that the lights were on, there were many interesting things to see, things that are surely a fascinating insight into the mysterious race of evolved cats, but instead Rimmer actually found himself openly mooning over Lister, unable to look away from the sunny little prick.

He makes Rimmer's heart pop.

"Look at those _kiddy drawings_ , Rimmer!" Lister bounded over to the colourful display. "They're adorable aint they? _Look! Handprints!_ " He pulled off one of them and flew back over to Rimmer. He sniffed the image. "There's an unknown word here that might be a name - their names are just smells anyway - , but it says " _age 5_ " aw Rimmer isn't that cute?"

Rimmer moved his gaze from Lister, to the print, then back to Lister again, a small open smile on his face. "Yes, quite adorable..."

"And over here, have you seen what they were learning?" Lister put the print down and picked up one of the fluffy objects on the desk and held it up for Rimmer. "Toy mice! Imagine learning to make toy mice aged _five_."

"Well... they used to force children to go to workhouses back in the Victorian days, and teach them skills like sewing very early on." Rimmer mused, "I'm not surprised this is a skill the cat race has valued- _Lister you look absolutely ridiculous_."

Lister sat down in one of the _tiny, tiny_ chairs with a creak, trying to be careful not to break it. "Wanna learn how to make toy mice?" He asked, picking up a discarded needle and thread and started where a child left long-ago.

Rimmer rolled his eyes. "Not really," but he sat down next to Lister in another _tiny tiny_ chair nevertheless. He observed Lister's surprisingly deft fingers work the mouse to completion.

"I didn't knew you could sew." Rimmer commented as Lister moved to pick up another unfinished mouse, his chair creaked warningly.

"Me gran. Taught me how to knit, sew and crochet. Becomes an important skill when you're bumming around with no money and no roof." He set about finishing the second mouse, having pocketed the first. "She never believed in sitting idly. She's only let me watch the tele if I would knit summert at the same time."

Rimmer gazed at Lister's chubby fingers working the mouse as if he'd sat the class himself. "Tell me about her." He requested quietly.

Lister smiled wistfully. "Tough woman. Kinda old lady who'd carry bricks around in her purse and knock out the bloke tryna pinch it." He re-cottoned the needle with an expert ease. "Taught me how to land a left hook."

Rimmer raised an eyebrow. "Your _nan_ taught you how to fight?"

Lister nodded. "Oh yeah, that woman could have fought in the local boxing championships."

"...Only she'd clip me round the ear hole whenever she caught me smoking. Always stung like bloody fuck that."

Rimmer _humphed_. "Never learnt your lesson then."

"Yeah I know," Lister shrugged. "Bit hard to quit when you've been at it since you were nine."

" _Nine?_ You were _nine_ years old when you started smoking?"

"Yeah. Me and me mates used to have a cheeky fag round the back of the school at play time."

Rimmer tutted disapprovingly. "Lister, that is abhorrent."

Lister shrugged having no words to defend himself because Rimmer was right. He finished off the mouse and held it up to Rimmer's face and booped at his nose with the felt-covered nose of the mouse. "What'cha think ey?"

Rimmer looked from the mouse and tried to re-focus his eyes on the cheeky smile of the Scouser, still a bit amazed at how _talented_ the man was with his fingers. "I think your nan would be proud." Lister grinned.

A loud creak and a _snap_ rippled across the room and Lister unceremoniously fell from the tiny broken chair with a heavy _thud_ and a groan.

Rimmer peered down upon Lister's undignified state.

"Or perhaps not."

-

"Come on _Rambo_ , we have an entire city to explore!"

Along the hallway and into the centre stood the massive cat tree, just how Lister remembered. All human-sized boxes, some overly large to accommodate many at once, others quite small. It reached up almost to the ceiling which was impressively high considering it was _two whole levels_.

"...typical." Rimmer commented the moment he saw the oversized tree. "Of _course_ this is what they'd do."

"Innit _brilliant!_ "

" _Indeed_. And where, _dare I ask_ , are the over-sized yarn balls and litter trays? I fear we have to watch our step for we might be subjected to a _Raiders of the Lost Ark_ re-enactment."

Lister snickered. "Honestly man, that'd be pretty fun." He peered upwards to look at what shops were on offer. "Come on," He beckoned Rimmer to follow him. "Let's have a look around shall we?"

Rimmer followed him to the ladders. "Up there?"

"Yeah, I wanna look in the shops. Come on, I'll carry you up." Lister made a grabby motion, and Rimmer eyed Lister's outfit suspiciously.

"Just how _clean_ are your clothes?"

"They're _clean!_...mostly..."

Rimmer looked unimpressed.

"I don't have a half eaten boiled sweet in here this time, I promise!"

"Nothing else equally as repugnant?"

"Nah, really, it's empty." To punctuate his point, he pulled the shirt pocket inside out. Nothing fell out.

"Oh fine." Rimmer said and uncrossed his arms for Lister to grab his bee. It was just as uncomfortably pleasant as last time, but also far more embarrassing. Being held in a _pocket_.

Half way up, Lister chucked lowly. "Yer bee's gettin' a bit warm there, Rimsy."

"Piss off Lister," A pink Rimmer said without venom.

At the top, the first place to catch Lister's eye was a clothing shop.

" _Of course_ the first thing they'd bloody have would be clothing." Rimmer said rolling his eyes.

Inside the shop wasn't _too_ far removed from The Cat's sense of style, but it was clear that Cat had his own entire thing going on. What was most striking is that it appeared to be half-full of clothing that was obviously pilfered from the deceased crew members, though just the stuff people wore for a night out, no JMC uniform in sight.

"This is _weird..._ " Lister browsed through vaguely familiar garments. He rubbed the material of something that... he _swears_ he saw Kochanski wear once. Part of some red gettup she had going on.

"...Lister... didn't this belong to you?"

Lister whirled around; "Me _leathers!_ " He exclaimed as he reunited himself with his leather jacket and a couple of other leather items in the obvious leather section of the shop. "I thought they got lost in the wash."

"You actually sent them for _wash?_ "

"Ey, I'm not _that_ bad you know! Also you can't smegging blame me after half me shit never came back."

"Lister, that's hardly an excuse as you were in stasis for three million years. _Anything_ could have happened between then and now."

"Yeah, they were stolen!"

Lister shrugged on his long-lost, now reunited leather jacket and pulled on his leather fingerless gloves, then he, without _any_ prior warning, unzipped his trousers and pulled them down. Rimmer's eyes blew wide and sucked in an immediate breath, but was too stunned to look away. He watched as Lister tried, and failed, to pull off his pants _without_ first taking off his shoes, and the _absolute idiotic, clumsy_ goit stumbled backwards, tripping on his half-off pants, grabbing onto the nearest object to steady himself-

But it turned out to be the metal railing of an unfixed clothing rack, now entirely unsteady, Liter crashed down into a second clothing rack, which was on wheels, his weight propelling it backwards the short space to the wall, but hard enough to knock several boxes off the shelves above him, finally the first clothing rack toppled over and landed heavily on top of him. " _Shit._ "

" _Lister!_ " Rimmer rushed forwards trying to see if the, frankly, _utterly brainless floorboard_ had seriously injured himself or not. Said brainless floorboard, buried under a heap of clothing, groaned pathetically. "Are you okay?" Rimmer asked the heap of clothing. In response the heap stirred and out came Lister looking more bashful than anything. "You broken anything?"

Lister groaned again and moved to pull himself up. "Several things probably, but nothin' on me, no."

Rimmer huffed out an exasperated, but relieved. "Honestly, Lister. You'd give an uncoordinated elephant at a child's tea party a run for it's money."

Lister snickered and picked himself up uneasily. "Let's try that again then," He said as he, this time, actually removed his shoes and wriggled into the leather trousers he had recovered.

Rimmer's jaw unhinged and all of his simulated blood rushed south, his eyes trained on the delicate sway of the posterior before him. The cut of the leather perfectly fitted Lister's arse with ease and _Gods, what an arse_! Rimmer almost _fainted_ when Lister bent over to re-attach his shoes.

"I don't wear these a lot," Lister said casually, pulling back up, "They're only for night outs. What'cha think?" Lister posed to show off the pants in particular. When he looked back, his eyes met Rimmer's very, _very_ dark ones. Lister straightened and turned around slowly, Rimmer's gaze trailed hotly over Lister's newly-leathered body, taking every detail, every inch, every subtle bump and crease.

Lister could _feel_ the path of the gaze; from his shoulders, to his arms, his hands, and over the lump he knows has been growing in his pants, lingering there with heavy implication. Rimmer's eyes left scorch marks on Lister's skin in their wake, and the butterflies in Lister's stomach seemed to be conjoining together to create one large, painful butterfly, thrashing around for an escape.

Finally, Rimmer's eyes reunited with Lister's own. Lister swallowed thickly at the untamed carnal desire. Rimmer clearly no longer had _any_ intention to hide his feelings for Lister. And _holy smeeging hell_ was the man _sexy as fuck_.

Lister stepped closer to the man, his hand reaching up to gently trace the outline of Rimmer's cheek, a stark contrast to the " _throw him over the nearest surface and take him_" bone-deep ache that rippled through his entire being. He started from the side of Rimmer's eye, palm tracing the curve of his cheek, thumb stroking the cheekbone, hand tracing round to his chin where Lister swiped a thumb across his lips.

This would normally be where he would kiss him.

Instead, Lister let out a shaky breath as he glided his hand back up and gently cupped Rimmer's cheek, Rimmer instinctively lent into what should be a touch, closing his eyes.

"I take it you like them, then?" Lister's words came out low and raspy and raw and Rimmer's breath hitched _needing_ to- to- but he _can't_.

Instead, he buried his face into Lister's neck. " _Lister_ ," Rimmer's husky whisper was almost enough to give Lister's knees out. "I want- _want you_."

It was Lister's turn for his breath to hitch as he felt the light electronic buzzing of Rimmer's arms trying to grasp onto something, _anything_. Lister's heart ached.

In the end Rimmer's arms fell limply to his side, and buried his nose further inside Lister's neck.

" _I want you too, Arnold_."


	17. Chapter 17

That night, Rimmer lay on his bed listening to the soft snores of the man he's falling for above him. It had been a long emotional rollercoaster of a day, and while the date ended on a positive note in regards to trying to figure out just how Lister feels about him, there was still something nagging at him. Something distinctly _Kochanski shaped_.

Well... if one were to look closer, the Kochanski-shaped dark mass was actually a deep tangle of hundreds of deep worries, most of them going back to " _Will he leave me if I can't please him sexually?_ " and " _I don't deserve him. Nothing good ever happens for me. Nobody ever likes me, who do you think you are?_ ". _"You can't provide anything for him, you can't touch him, you only make him annoyed with your smeg-headdedness. Why not just give up? You don't deserve this chance."_

Kochanski was just a visual representation of all of his worries, a representation of a woman, _any woman_ , who might show up randomly and steal Lister's heart away, just when Rimmer might actually have it in his grasp.

And he was fighting _so hard_ to keep himself from throwing in the cards early. From that date they had...

Hope was bloodied and limping, but it was still there.

Rimmer briefly considered bribing The Cat to chloroform Lister so he could have a poke into Lister's true thoughts and feelings, but Rimmer decided that'd be far from beneficial for any relationship, especially one as fragile as... dare he say? New love?

Instead his mind wandered back to the plan to steal Lister's diary. Surely if the little prat could read _his_ diaries, there should be no problems with Rimmer digging into _Lister's_ private thoughts. Rimmer plainly ignored the fact that he'd been reading Lister's diary since long before he died. It was always difficult to conduct the Skutters to pry it out of the wedged space between the mattress and the metal frame with a long pole. Truthfully, he had been reading it far less as of recently. He didn't know why he bothered to read it. All it was ever about was romantic nonsense about Kochanski.

_Kochanski._

_Always Kochanski_.

It was _Kochanski_ Lister wanted to put in a flowing white dress and have her ride a horse all day on his sodding Fiji farm.

He always resented that.

Rimmer humped quietly in the dark and rolled over.

Plan " _Loot the Scruffy Git's Diary_ " is back in action.

-

"Hi Hol," Lister greeted cheerfully as he sat down at the console with a hot curry.

"Hello Dave, I take it your date went well?"

"It did, actually Hol. Learnt he's secretly a right soppy tosser who's been pining over me for bloody agies. But you already know that, don't you?"

Holly appeared to shrug, despite his lack of shoulders. "What I may or may not read in the private files of personality discs of crew-members are top secret." He replied in a bland tone. Lister didn't buy it for a second and gave Holly a look.

"Yeah, alright." Holly gave in. "I knew the second I analysed his disc looking for somebody to keep you company."

Lister chewed on that for a moment. "Is that why you chose _him_ over literally anybody else?"

"No of course not!" Holly tried to look hurt, but his eyes darted to the side giving him away.

"Alright, you win, yes."

Lister rolled his eyes, and took another big bite of his curry. "How's the corruption comin' anyway?" He tried to talk over his food.

"What corruption?"

Lister paused and gave Holly a significant look, "You know? The corruption? Rimmer's projection?"

Holly looked confused for a second, " _Oh!_ Oh right that. Yeah- er- it's coming along." There was his eyes again, darting around the room, looking _absolutely anything_ other than honest.

" _Holly!_ " Lister said in surprised, scandalised tone, throwing his fork into his curry tray. "You were playing with us the whole time!"

"No I wasn't!"

" _Hol-ly!_ "

"Alright I was."

"For _smeg's sake_ , Holly,"

"So I'm partial to a bit of romcom." Holly defended himself.

"But you can't play with people's emotions like that!"

"Why not?"

"Because it isn't _right!_ "

"I never said I wasn't morally ambiguous. Besides, you wouldn't be here right now falling for the bloke if I never intervened. You'd have been fighting like an old married couple until the day you die, and without the nice bits that lead up to it."

"Also," Holly continued, "It's not like _you're_ all innocent. I know you read his diaries. Isn't that just as invasive?"

"Naw come on, Hol, that's not the same thing!" Lister denied, _but it's kinda the same thing_.

"Also, Arnold's ordering the Skutters to pinch your diary right now so he can read it. Everybody's in on the action."

Lister's eyebrows shot to his hairline. "Oh yeah?" He wasn't at all mad, he was more curious of the other man's reactions more than anything.

Holly appeared in thought for a moment, then he vanished for a split second. "You might wanna give him a hand, actually Dave, they're struggling a bit trying to poke it off your bed."

Lister snickered and got up. "Alright." But then he switched back to stern, pointing at the computer. "But we're not done here Holly."

-

"No you _incompetent box of bolts!_ " Rimmer shouted at Bob the Skutter. "You've gone and poked it further back, I should have you-"

The door opened and Lister walked in.

" _Lister?_ " Rimmer flew in front of the pole-wielding Skutter, hoping that Lister wouldn't catch on. "We were just um-"

Lister chuckled at the deer-in-headlights expression Rimmer was wearing. "You were just?" He prompted.

"Yes, um-"

Bob the Skutter decided he was out. He dropped the pole with a loud clang and skutterd off out the door.

"And where do you think _you're_ going?!" Rimmer demanded. "Get _back_ here, you're not allowed to leave me to deal with this _alone_ are you?"

Bob the Skutter never stopped or turned around, instead he raised his head and put up his top claw as a _fuck you_.

Rimmer spluttered " _Mutiny!_ " He screamed before wheeling back round to Lister. "We _need_ to do something about those smegging Skutters, Lister! Soon they will take over the bloody ship and we will be forced to bow down them and do _their_ bidding!"

Lister shook his head. "You need to be nicer to them, ya know? They'll _actually_ respect you more."

"Of course _you'll_ take their side!" Rimmer snapped. "Do you have _any_ idea what it's like being forced to rely on them?" Rimmer threw his hands up. "Every _simple little smegging thing_ , and never do they succeed in _anything_ resembling competence!"

Lister moved closer to the raving hologram. "Calm down, man, you don't have to rely on them for _everything_ , you know."

"Lister- please remember my lack of _certain abilities_." He bit. "I should have thought _last night_ made that pretty clear, or have you forgotten?"

The reminder of the previous night turned Lister's smile slightly melancholic, but he pressed on with a cheeky air. "If you wanted to read me _diary_ , all ya had to do was ask and I'd have read it to you, ya know?"

Stunned, Rimmer tried to deny. "Your-? Don't be ridiculous, Lister, why would I want to read your _pathetic_ lusting over Kochanski?!"

"Ah, so you _have_ read me diary then?"

Rimmer darkened and turned away from Lister.

"Look," Lister said, jumping over and up on the ladders to retrieve his diary. "There isn't anything in here that you shouldn't know anyway, as my _boyfriend_." He waved the book up to Rimmer's face. "And it sounds like we need to talk anyway."

Lister sat down at the table and motioned for Rimmer to join him. He didn't.

"No we don't." He said, turning away.

"Clearly we do, Arnold. There's obviously something bothering you. Com on,"

Rimmer didn't move.

"Alright, fine, I'll read it out then;

" _I couldn't help meself. Part of me was thinking that Rimmer fancying me was a bad joke he thought up to get me back for keeping me pet mould_ -

_So I took the dream recorder to snoop through his dreams because I know he spends hours cataloging all that smeg-_ "

"You _what?_ " Rimmer whisked around and demanded. Lister didn't reply, he carried on reading;

" _There was that dream I overheard when he were hidin' from me, I was lookin' for that specifically, but there were actually loads with me in them! It took me bloody agies to find the right one. He lied about it being under the stars because the timestamp otherwise matched up-_

" _He also lied about it being about Yvonne Mc Gruder too but I knew that already-_

" _It was a bloody weird one tho, it started with a dinosaur attacking the ship like, bit of a silly beginning for a dinosaur of all things, but it got it going-_

"Never mind, Lister, this isn't nessasary-"

" _He rescued me from it and pulled me into somewhere and then me pants randomly vanished and I gained a badly bruised leg so he picked me up and carried me-_

" _I had to fast forward this bit because I swear fifty percent of the bloody thing was just running down stairs-_

" _But then we came to this hidden room and he were lookin' at me all tender like and the silly smeg wants to hero me it was well cute-_

"Okay, Lister, you can stop now!" A red Rimmer pleaded loudly.

" _Oh but this was where it got good._ " Lister read even louder through a smirk. " _He taken me right there all withing and moaning and I got so hard so fast I thought me pants were gonna fly off-_

" _Only the bloody thing was spoiled before they could get proper going, but I saved a copy of it anyway._ "

"You _saved a copy?_ " Rimmer repeated astonished. "Lister do you realise just how invasive this all is? Watching my _personal private personal dreams_ and saving a copy for your...your... _special collection_!?"

"Now now Rimmer, I know you've been readin' me diary, and I caught you attepmtin' it again, don't play innocent with me. We've all been at it anyway, even _Holly!_ -"

Holly, who had silently entered the room at the very beginning of the conversation, was caught by surprise at being addressed and caught out once more. He decided to vanish and allow the conversation to carry on (still listening in, of course).

"Besides, it's a bit different when you're the star of your own porno and the bloke you fancy is topping you... it's something you kinda wanna see."

Rimmer dragged a hand down his face and groaned, he sat down at the table. "You do realise how _humiliating_ this is don't you?"

Lister nodded, he had the decency to look apologetic. "Yeah, sorry, man. I did it because I really needed to know if you actually liked me or not. Also," Lister flipped some pages and slid the open book in front of Rimmer. "I'm willing to bet that is the _exact_ reason why you wanted to read this." He motioned for Rimmer to read the entry, so he did.

" _It was all daft really. I hardly even knew her. I knew her first name and that was it. I hardly even spoke to the woman. I think I didn't even like her, not really. I was in love with the ideal of her I had in me head, but not the woman herself. The ideal looked and sounded like Kristine, but she wasn't Kristine. She was probably nothing like her-_

" _I know Rimmer tho. Yeah he's a bit of a smeg head, but he can actually be right cute when he allows himself to be open and not hide every emotion away other than contempt and anger-_

" _I actually know a lot of things about him that I never realised- I wasn't aware of just how much of the man I knew, but I know a lot. But it really changes everythin' when he smiles and laughs all genuine like-_

" _Also half of the things he says are actually very funny, I'm not sure Kochanski could be even half as witty-_

" _He makes me feel like a hormonal fourteen year old. I keep flailing over myself I bet I've been looking like a right twat. But his smiles and laughs have been really doing it for me I've got no hope-_ "

" _Also he's real smegging sexy. I've been drooling over his arse ever since I brought him back out of hidin'. He has such a handsome face too and I really wish he wouldn't gel his hair down because I smegging love those curls-_ "

" _Scratch that image of Kochanski on a horse in a white dress, I want Rimmer to be on the horse in that stupid smegging admiral outfit of his and a sword. I bet he looks good with a sword-"_

Rimmer read on, Lister turning the pages for him, noting the subtle indications when the man had finished and wanted to read on without wanting to admit to it. It was after this point where the writing got... _interesting_.

Now Rimmer, despite his upbringing, wasn't a particularly religious man, choosing instead to believe in reincarnation and aliens, and despite his membership for the Love Celibacy Society, he wasn't unfamiliar with dirty writing...

But even _he_ felt like he needed to consult Jesus about what he read in Lister's diary. The man surely got to the point, and some very- um- _exotic_ points at that.

Lister grinned when he noticed Rimmer reacting to his writing, shamelessly watching as the man tried to casually cross his legs and fold his arms over his _area_. Instead of commenting on this, however, he closed the book and looked at Rimmer straight;

"I've changed me plan." He declared. "I don't want to move to Fiji and have a farm with hot dog doughnut stand. I still want a farm and have horses an everythin', but I'd like that to be anywhere we can find that's nice and sunny _with you_. And I want _you_ to paint more of those pretty pictures I saw in your diaries, I want _you_ to ride around on a pretty horse all handsome like in yer admiral gettup. I want it to be _you_ I wake up to every day and I want it to be _you_ I cuddle up to every night-

"I don't want it to be Kochanski anymore, Rimmer, I want it to be you."


	18. Chapter 18

" _I don't want it to be Kochanski anymore, Rimmer, I want it to be you._ "

Rimmer's mind was reeling. _Lister, he- surely not- I-_ But Lister's face was just so... _open_ and _earnest_ and- and his eyes were so brown and _warm_ and Rimmer couldn't help but want to lose himself in the deep brown shiny-crystal pools of Lister's eyes for ever and ever and never rise back up to his anxiety-laden world. Never had he been promised such _affection_ before and he distantly wondered how on Io he managed to be on the receiving end of such a lovely thing, he shall forever puzzle.

Rimmer melted at the slow warm smile that crept upon Lister's face, his eyes crinkling, eyelids drooping, pupils blowing wide and-

_Oh._

If he didn't believe the possibility otherwise... he'd think he was looking at _love_ shining in those eyes.

But it can't be, _it can't_ -

"But, Lister I _can't_ \- _We_ can't- I'm-"

"Sure we can. We can give it a go. Nothing's stopping us."

"But- but won't it be unfulfilling? Cuddling up to something that's _not there?_ "

Lister blew that away like a feather in the wind. "Course you'll be there you silly smeg! That's the whole point."

"But-"

" _Rimmer_ ," Lister smiled charmingly and leaned closer, "Ya gonna kiss me or what?"

_What-What-?_ _"What?_ Lister, I- I- I-" Rimmer blubbered trying to push his melting brain back into his head. "I- I _can't_ , I'll go straight _through_ you-"

"Yeah, so?"

" _So?_ Lister, have you [had your brain extracted?] We can't _touch_ , we can't _feel_ , I don't know what you expect to accomplish here!" [fix]

Lister sat up, sobering a little. "Firstly, Rimmer, yes we _can_ feel each other, we've established that- _no don't interrupt me_ \- we've established we can both feel something. Secondly, do you know what kissing is supposed to represent?"

"Why it's- it's-"

"I can tell you right now that I want _my_ kisses to show that I care about you! We can still do that even if we can't make proper contact, we can still _mean_ it the same way."

Rimmer appeared to be engaged within a internal battle and is, by and large, absent from piloting the body. Except for the eyes, those things had no problem immediately ripping themselves from Lister's alluring eyes and sliding down to his slightly-chapped lips. Rimmer gazed at them longingly, mouth running dry when a tongue absentmindedly licked the lips.

"Rimmer?" Lister nudged after a too-long silence. Rimmer's eyes return to Lister's.

"But what about-?" He trailed off looking bashful.

Lister smiled and silently assured him he was listening..

"We _can't_ \- _I can't-_ " Rimmer struggled and continued to flush redder and redder and Lister cottoned onto Rimmer's thoughts.

"Can't what? " Lister asked innocently, too innocently. Rimmer noticed.

" _Can't_ _Lister!_ " He tried to force it out.

"What? Have sex?" Rimmer reddened entirely from his nose to his ears, Lister's eyes glinted playfully. "You can say the word you know. Sex."

"I don't want to be so _crude_ , Lister!"

"You've said _'sex'_ before now, why is it suddenly ' _crude_ '?"

"Because it was never-!" Rimmer choked on his words.

"Never...?" Lister smirked. "About me? To my face?" He leaned closer, trailing his hand over Rimmer's projected hand and slowly up his arm. "Lookin' me in the eye and admitting you want to have sex with me?"

Rimmer's breath hitched. "Lister if you're going to carry on-"

"We _can_ have sex you know." Lister's wandering hand had somehow found itself on Rimmer's thigh.

Rimmer looked pained and conflicted. "No we can't!" Lister's hand stilled, now worried he'd read the man wrong.

" _Do_ you want to have sex with me?" Lister asked with a look of concern.

Rimmer panicked at the sudden switch. " _Of course_ I do, Lister," He rushed to admit, finding the courage to say it in hopes it'd wash away Lister's new worry lines. "But we can't touch each other! What could we possibly do?"

Lister's gaze turned heavy, and his hand resumed trailing up and down the other man's body. " _Well_ ," He grew a naughty smile. "You've not finished readin' me diary yet. I've got a whole _list_ of ideas we can experiment with."

Rimmer glanced at the book with curiosity. "Such as...?"

Lister leaned in very close and whispered in Rimmer's ear;

"We can _watch_ each other fer a start-"

Rimmer stiffened. "No- no we can't. That's- thats-"

Lister pulled back and looked at him worriedly once more. "What?" He asked.

" _Mortifying_ , Lister!" Rimmer couldn't help his voice rise an octave too high. "I can't just have you _watch_ me while I- I- Um-"

Lister calmed back down and chuckled. "Well you can _watch me_ all ya like-"

Rimmer's voice betrayed him when he immediately asked an eager "I can?"

Lister grinned knowingly. "Yeah, you can do _whatever you like_ , Rimmer," He leaned back in, "And you can start by kissing me."

"Okay."

-

For the first time, Rimmer felt truly assured in their budding relationship. Lister's easy confidence regarding Rimmer's heavy worries calmed his nerves and he spoke like it was going to be so easy and simple and maybe it would be, but the future is unknown. Perhaps in this moment everything is all perfect and easy and the gliding feel of Lister's hands through his projection felt so pleasing and encouraging, but Rimmer was hoping to whatever deity that exists that the pleasant feeling wouldn't end and feel empty. Perhaps just the simple knowledge that it was _Lister_ who was doing this would be enough.

Rimmer leaned so close, so very close, close enough to have felt Lister's breath on his lips if he were alive, his arms had already shot around and through Lister's body, hoping that whatever _he_ was feeling was just as pleasurable as what he was feeling himself. Closer still and Rimmer's eyes drifted closed, almost-

A distant thought called through his head, very distant, almost fuzzy, and Rimmer was about to simply ignore it, but it came with a nagging pull. _The future wasn't quite unknown_.

Rimmer's eyes shot open and instinctively pinned themselves on a photograph across the room. He couldn't quite see the picture properly, but he knew exactly what was in it.

_"Two babies. How do I get two babies?"_

-

Lister expected to feel at least a little something by now. He had felt Rimmer's arms go through him, felt the faint electrical buzzing move around pleasantly- until it stopped. And vanished. His own arms had been somewhere in the vicinity of Rimmer's upper body, messing around with his hair, stroking his arm, but even that, wherever his hands actually were, seemed to have vanished.

Lister opened his eyes to find Rimmer staring at the other side of the room. Lister turned, but couldn't see anything. He turned back to Rimmer looking at him, pain in his eyes.

"How indeed." He answered a question Lister didn't remember asking.

"What's wrong?"

Rimmer didn't answer. He stood up and distanced himself from Lister.

Lister rose slowly, "Rimmer? Too fast?"

Rimmer took to staring back at the other side again. "Jim and Bexley."

Lister frowned, confused as to why Rimmer was suddenly talking about Jim Bexley Speed. He followed Rimmer's gaze and found it entirely bypassed his Jim Bexley Speed posters, and landed on the portion of the wall next to the beds. He didn't see what it was at first, but the new-ish photograph addition was not hard to miss.

The future echos was a while ago now and after the absolute absurdity of what has happened since he left stasis, Lister admits he had almost entirely forgotten that at some point in, apparently, the near future...

He has two sons.

Lister felt like the floor had been pulled from beneath him. " _Oh_."

" _Oh?_ " Rimmer repeated sharply. " _Oh!?_ Is that all you can say, Lister, _Oh!?_ "

"Rimmer-" Lister stepped closer to the hologram.

" _No_ , Lister!" Rimmer stepped back. "I knew it. I just _knew_ this was too good to be true." He laughed joylessly. "Oh fantastic work there, Rimsy! You have fallen for a bloke that'd _piss off and bang_ the nearest pair of feminine legs!"

"But Rimmer I haven't _done_ anything!" Lister pleased. "I wouldn't leave you for that!"

"Oh you wouldn't would you!? Clearly that overjoyed _cheating slag_ over there would say otherwise!" Rimmer whirled around and stormed out of the room.

" _Hey!_ Rimmer! I wouldn't _cheat_ on you, Rimmer!" Lister quickly followed.

Rimmer rounded on Lister. "Oh he wouldn't would he? Then _pray tell_ how you managed to get two _babies?!_ " He hissed. "In case you have _forgotten_ , Lister, _I. Am. Dead!_ I cannot _reproduce!_ And even if I was alive right now, _neither_ of us have the ability to impregnate the other!"

Lister was lost. There was nothing he could argue against there, Rimmer was right. To get two babies, there had to be a third party, one who came with eggs and a womb. There was simply no other way.

"I should never have trusted you, Lister." Rimmer said coldly and walked off.

"No, wait, Rimmer, no!" Lister called and ran after him, "Arnold, love wait!"

But unlike last time, neither of those two words had any affect. Rimmer continued down the hallway and walked straight through the wall.


	19. Chapter 19

Rimmer moved out.

It had been a very quick, speedy decision with an excruciating painfully long execution process. Lister couldn't stand being in the room while it happened, he had set about aimlessly wandering the ship. Not so long ago he would have (and did) delight in this decision. A _whole_ room to himself. No longer having to listen to his Hammond Organ music, no longer being berated for his smoking, no more useless early-morning alarms.

When Rimmer made that double of himself, Lister felt overjoyed. He didn't know why they didn't move out to begin with. However... it eventually became apparent to Lister that despite the animosity, he began to miss having the knob around. Truthfully, Red Dwarf was a very, very lonely and empty place. So when Rimmer and Rimmer began fighting to the level that it eventually escalated to, the decision to switch the double off and easily accept Rimmer back into their room was secretly very welcome. Even the Hammond Organ music made Lister feel more at ease that night.

This time, however, when Lister returned to their room, the emptiness felt like a stab in the heart.

He just couldn't stay there.

Lister grabbed his guitar and diary and returned to the expanse of the ship, not really intending to go back any time soon. He'd rather kip in one of the storage cupboards than return to that miserable place. It's not like he's not slept rough before.

-

" _You useless pathetic imbecilic collection of scrap metal!_ " Rimmer roared at Bob and El Skutto after they put up his _No Smoking_ sign up an inch too high. "I will have you _recycled_ for this, you _mark my words!_ ". It was the seventh threat of death they had received that evening and their patience was wearing far too thin. They already had to rotate shifts with the other Skutters just so all of them could use a well-deserved break and a soothing oil. Perky the Skutter even tried to throw himself into the trash compactor, having to be rescued by Stabbim and Skutter 4457. Things were getting desperate.

-

Lister had never visited the botanical gardens before. Mostly because everything was long-dead by the time he came out of stasis, and he wasn't exactly in the habit of taking pleasant walks around flowerbeds with his mates before the accident. Now, though, after rescuing an android named Kryten, the garden was coming along very nicely. After Kryten left to peruse his dream of growing his own garden, Lister made sure that Rimmer couldn't interfere with it. He asked Holly to tell Rimmer that Kryten had left Red Dwarf and was no longer aboard.

"Mr Lister, Sir, how lovely to see you." The android greeted warmly as Lister entered the gardens.

"Hey Kryten." Lister took a seat on the bench, setting his guitar by the side of him. "How's it comin' along?"

"Oh, very well, Mr Lister, sir, thank you for asking, but-" Kryten's emotion analysing chip had registered distress from Lister, from his slouched posture, his down-turned frown, to the flat distant way he spoke. "if you don't mind me asking, is there something bothering you, sir? You seem to be rather down."

Lister sighed. "You don't have to call me 'sir' Krytes, remember?" Absentmindedly he plucked some strings on his guitar. "But yeah. It's why I came here. I couldn't stay anywhere that looks like the same bloody place over and over again. I hope you don't mind?"

"Oh of course not, sir!" Kryten exclaimed, ignoring Lister's earlier request. He sat down next to Lister and put his hand on Lister's shoulder. "Do you want to talk about it?"

-

Three hours later, Lister was now sobbing, snot dribbling out of his nose and babbling almost incoherently. Kryten was taken aback by the display, but absolutely accommodated as best he could. He eventually had Lister wrapped up in a fluffy blanket and holding a steaming mug of hot chocolate decorated with a mountain of marshmallows, whipped cream, chocolate sprinkes and a Flake poking out of the side. As best as he could decipher, Mr Lister had just been dumped by Mr Rimmer. The revelation that those two had become a couple had _literally_ exploded his head and made him spontaneously combust, causing some of his circuits to melt. Lister had to replace his entire head and make some quick part swaps. This resulted in the removal of the butler outfit (it had mostly melted) and an unexpected voice-box change.

Now Kryten and Mr Lister were sat on the grass back in the gardens where Kryten was trying to figure out how to make the human happy.

"So let me get this straight, Mr Lister, if I may, Mr Rimmer broke up with you because of a photograph you taken of two babies from the future?" Kryten asked in his new Canadian-accented voice.

Lister hiccuped and blew his nose disgustingly loudly on the fluffy blanket. He nodded in reply.

Kryten continued to look perplexed. "I apologise, sir, but I don't seem to be following."

It took another three hours for Lister to get it all out, and when everything had all been explained, Lister was exhausted. Kryten made a makeshift bed for him beside the bluebells after Lister had refused to go to bed.

Kryten decided he needed to talk to Mr Rimmer, perhaps he could get this whole mess all straightened out.

-

"Arnold," Started Holly, "I can't believe I have to ask you this, but please calm down, you're scaring the vending machines."

" _Scaring the vending machines?_ " Rimmer yelled incredulously. "Oh I _do apologise!_ _Excuse me_ for wanting a competent work force! I seem to be the _only_ member of this _smegging ship_ who even _remotely_ cares about order and attention to detail?!"

Holly didn't reply, he just let his face hang there with a sneer.

Outside in the hallway, the Skutter's were protesting. Bob the Skutter banged his head against the metal wall rhythmically, the rest of the Skutters copied, the vibrations rattled through half the ship. They all held signs saying " _Rimmer Sux!_ ", " _Justice for Skutters!_ " and " _Fewer Scolds, Higher Praises!_ "

Back in the room, Holly sighed and muttered. "What a bloody rotten mess."

A knock on the open door sounded. "Mr Rimmer, Sir, may I come in?"

"Kryten!" Rimmer exclaimed, shocked. "Lister said you left?"

"Er, no Sir. Mr Lister must have misunderstood."

"Well... what do you want? I'm busy!" Rimmer bit unnecessarily.

"I want to talk to you about Mr Lister sir, he is _very_ upset."

Rimmer's frown darkened. "Good."

"Sir, I have never seen anybody so distraught!"

" _Goo-ood!_ " He sneered.

"But Mr Rimmer, sir, surely you must care for him? He told me everything. Though it was really rather difficult to understand through all that sobbing."

Rimmer's frown dropped. "Sobbing?" He questioned. "He's been _crying?_ "

"Yes sir! Very much so." Kryten's voice rose to a squeak and his face crumpled remorsefully. "Poor Mr Lister is so heartbroken."

Rimmer considered the floor for a moment.

"Oh Mr Rimmer, won't you reconsider?"

Rimmer looked at Kryten sorrowfully for a second before his face hardened. " _No!_ "

-

That night, Rimmer lay awake, the full events of the day swirling and swirling, refusing to calm down. The silence in the room was deafening. None of Lister's snoring, no inconsiderate little giggles and the annoying light as he red comics at ungodly hours, and- (Rimmer sighed) even the _lack of smell_ the room held. It was a weird thing. He couldn't smell, not technically, but he is programmed to react to familiar scents (don't ask him how that works, he's just assuming it works the bloody same way as his ability to turn his bee into softlight) and he hated, absolutely _hated_ to admit it, but the grubby little curry-scented goit made the room feel comfortably familiar. The lack of any scent-registers was actually disconcerting and often reminded him of his living status.

Curry.

Curry of all bloody things.

What an absolute disaster of a man he's become.

Eventually, Rimmer could no longer stand it. He got up and went for a long walk through the Cat City. He stopped only when he recognised the painting where Lister had called him his hero. He stared at the unknown humanoid cat unseeing, his mind echoing pleasant memories of Lister, turning into hysterical rants about who the mystery was, where she came from and, worst of all, " _This is probably why he did it you utter, utter twat._ "

Defeated and empty, Rimmer curled up into a sad ball on the floor.

\---

Just want to shout my best friend Becky out again who reads on-demand and helps me find errors! [shouts out] \o/


	20. Chapter 20

Lister crumpled the can of larger and threw it at the wall in the drive room. That was the...er... probably the 50th he's had, he can't remember. It don't matter anyway. Nothing matters anyway. He lost his boyfriend. Everybody is dead. Earth is probably gone. He's stuck in a cold metal hell with his anal-retentive ex, a cat-humanoid who cares for only himself and his looks, a senile computer and an android he don't exactly know well, but can be far too fussy and too master-servant like.

His plan will never be. Nothing will ever be. It does not matter who this smegging woman is because he aint gonna be with her because he won't love her and it does not matter. Nothing matters. Life is meaningless and empty and everybody is dead and he will never find love and never be happy because Rimmer hates him and everybody is dead.

"Mr Lister, sir, I am worried about you." Kryten said cautiously. "Please do stop drinking and eat something?" He held out a nutritious meal of rogan josh, egg fried rice, two onion bhajis, a side of bombay potato, a small peshwari naan and, to wash it down, Kryten provided a delicious curried milkshake.

"No thank you Krytes." Lister replied hollowly.

"But sir, you have not eaten in two days!"

Lister didn't reply.

"Oh! I really should have returned sooner!" Kryten worried his apron. "I could have prevented all of this!"

Lister still didn't reply.

Kryten made a frustrated worried noise. "Well I will leave it here for you, please consider eating, Mr Lister!" He said before walking back out.

After a long while, Lister got up and pulled open another can of larger. He went for a walk through the lonely, empty, echo-y halls of Red Dwarf and listed off places he remembered being back when everybody was alive and he had somewhere to be. He happened across an unremarkable section of the ship. Entirely unremarkable, but it triggered a memory.

" _What happened to you!?_" He remembered asking a black-eyed Rimmer.

" _I missed a jumping jack in the gym. Rather silly of me. Nothing to worry about, squire, get back to work!_ "

Lister frowned as he swayed. Missing jumping jacks don't normally result in black eyes.

He staggered over to the nearest monitor. "Holly,"

"Yes, Dave?"

"Who-whooo were the shoss-tossers who assh- ash-ulted Rimmer?"

"Does it really matter now? They're a bit dead."

"Jush tell me."

"Oh, alright then. It were many people, but the worst of the offenders were Stephen and Edward Derbyshire. Brothers."

Lister frowned in memory. "Weren't they the shoss- toss-shers who sh-tole his revision book in t' canteen?"

Holly searched some files. "Yes." He confirmed.

Lister's face turned dark. "Thanksh Hol."

-

_You caused it. You caused it. You caused it. You caused it. It's your fault. You caused it._ Rimmer could hardly _stand_ himself. He really smegging _hated_ himself. Any _chance_ he bloody gets to be happy, to move forward in his life he goes all about it _arse fucking backwards!_

Flunking his exams!

Gazpacho _bloody_ soup!

Forcing _fucking Lister_ to _cheat_ on him and be happy with _somebody else!_

All because he is an absolute, no good _pathetic_ smeghead!

_It's your fault. You never deserved him anyway! You deplorable worm!_

_No wonder nobody has ever liked you! No wonder mummy and daddy shipped you off to boarding school the first moment they got! No wonder you got used as a bloody hazing ritual for new officers!_

_You pathetic scum, making him cry! And after all he's done to try and reach out to you!_

Rimmer got up without thinking and ran. He ran and ran and ran and tried to kick the wall and ran.

The bunkroom was empty.

It was also clean.

Kryten had evidently been at work.

But it still smells faintly of curry.

Rimmer lay on his bed listlessly.

"Holly," He said after a while.

"Arnold."

Rimmer struggled to speak, Holly almost thinking he had drifted off to sleep if it weren't abundantly clear to the computer that he was awake, his files still updating. "...I want a triple fried egg sandwich with chilli sauce and chutney."

-

Here it was. Officer's section, and bunkmates to boot. Lister wobbly entered the room of the Derbyshire brothers and regarded the place. Mostly neat. Some things left knocking about.

Good.

Lister started with the table, swiping the empty mug on the floor.

That felt good.

He then picked up the chair and whirled it around into the wardrobe with a loud _crash_.

Very good.

He ransacked said wardrobe, pulling everything out and delighting in the _ripping_ sounds he made, _snapping_ the plastic hangers, kicking the doors with loud _thuds_ , pulling out the bottom contents - mostly consisting of shoes and a box of odds and sods - and throwing them around the room. Some of the odds and sods were breakable. _Fucking good_.

He laughed manically at the _smashing_ sounds he made.

Lister attacked the posters, _tearing_ them off and then to pieces. He upturned the draws of clothes, swiping the toothbrushes clean across the room with an animalistic snarl. He rounded on the beds. Oh this will be delightful. He clawed off the bed covers, the pillows, the mattress and dumped everything into a heap in the middle of the floor; the former posters, the clothes, any junk he could round up quickly.

He then steadied himself at the foot of the heap and unzipped his pants.

He finished by taking a _very long_ leak on everything.

_Fucking bastards._

-

"Oh for crying out loud," Holly appeared on the screen nearest Kryten. "You better go and get David, I think he's having a bit of a breakdown."


	21. Chapter 21

Note: I've used the Medicomp from the "lost" season 1 episode Bodysnatcher which has artificial intelligence and a lisp, as opposed to the one we see in Confidence and Paranoia and the upgraded Medi-Bot in later seasons - taking a bit of a creative liberty there.

I want to apologise in advance if for my lisp-writing. It's utterly terrible lmao.

–

"Now Mr Lister," It had taken a _lot_ of coaxing, but Kryten had eventually managed to bring the raving human back to the gardens. Luckily the Officer's Quarters were located just a floor away, but even so, a very, very drunk and upset Lister was _hard work_. "Please sit down on your nice comfy bed-" Lister wobbled unsteadily and fell onto the makeshift bed. "- that's right sir - and how about I get you something to eat?" Kryten wrapped a comfy blanket around Lister's shoulders. Lister struggled, but he was unsteady.

"No, no, no, no, no- 'm not f'n-sh-d."

"Oh I think you are, sir, you really did show them good and proper. You ended on such a- _high note_ , it'd be a shame for you to spoil that." Kryten held Lister back down and handed him his guitar.

"Now, why don't you play yourself a nice soothing song while I go fix you up a nice kebab?" Kryten smiled and walked away before Lister could decline again.

Lister regarded his guitar for a moment, briefly considering playing something. But nothing came to mind, it was empty. His usual feelings of joy with music were absent and the idea of trying felt useless. He felt as hollow as his guitar.

Lister pushed his guitar to the ground where it _thunked_ uselessly.

He stared listlessly at the floor, at the blades of actual, real grass he was on. He let his hand wander over it, the blades ticking his palm. He gazed over at the bluebells; the gardens provided artificial wind, and right now, a soft breeze ruffled the bluebells, making them dance soothingly.

His diary lay beside him. He picked it up and plucked the attached pen off the sheets and opened a new page. He drew circles. Scribbles. Criss-cross lines, zig zags, spirals, triangles and stars. His scribbling started out soft and hesitant, but it grew and grew until he was scribbling so hard he was ripping the pen nip through the paper. His new goal was to paint the entire sheet pen-ink-black.

When he finished, he regarded his work. The page smelt very strongly of ink and it was smudging off onto his hands. He turned a new page. The page underneath was partly ripped and tainted with the ink from above. Lister stared hazily at the patterns, connecting the dots like a constellation. It was a cat - or a moose - but Lister preferred the cat. He connected the dots of the cat and produced a wobbly-lined cat. He hatch-crossed it to make it look black. " _Frankenstein_ " he wrote underneath.

A new page. An empty page. A blank canvas.

Lister glanced over to his guitar for a moment and then he started to write.

It was a love song.

A melancholic love song about loneliness and death and loss, but a love song nonetheless.

Or as best he could manage given how sloshed he was. If anybody else were to read it, it'd be practically incoherent.

But Lister would prefer to label it "raw". Writing music had always been therapeutic. That's what the _Om_ song was supposed to have been, a therapeutic reaction to all the smeg that happened in his life up to that point; being abandoned, the early loss of both his adoptive parents, his gran's death. That's why it was so good, so brilliant. It had _meaning_ behind it.

This one probably won't be as catchy, though. So much smeg has happened, far beyond normal, and he was alone with it.

And he will be for the rest of his life.

Rest of one's life is rather a long time, after all.

-

The sandwich was just as deliciously horrifying as last time. How could something so _wrong_ result in something so _right?_ It was, by all accounts, absolutely repugnant. The level of _grease_ it contained could have stocked a massage parlor for a _year_. It was completely and entirely the most shockingly reckless thing you could ever do to your system.

But it was absolutely, ungodly delicious.

Lister's eccentricities truly knew no bounds.

He was the most idiotic, sentimental, grotty, foolhardy, toned-deaf _div_ Rimmer had ever met in his entire life. How the bloody smeg that man managed to be charming while pouring larger into a wineglass in the middle of a swanky upper-class restaurant he had no idea. He's the type to ask a snooty French waiter for HP Brown Sauce for his steak tartare, and for the love of Rimmer's afterlife...

He loves it.

He loves his gaudy Hawaiian shirts, his infuriating juvenile humour, his stupid cartoonish doodles over every smegging thing he has to fill out, his idiotic buffoonery, his incredible lack of musical talent, his thick Liverpudlian accent, his gerbil-grins, his puerile, immature snickering, and his ludicrous, half-baked, moronic smegging _Plan_.

Rimmer contemplated what he should do next for a moment. Perhaps this could still be fixed. The future isn't set in stone is it? Not according to that famous scientist with that weird time-travelling car. _It's whatever you can make of it_ , didn't he say?

Should he apologise? He isn't good with apologies.

And Lister probably hates him now. Will he listen? Probably not.

Rimmer sighed.

Some grand gesture maybe? A Rastabilly Skank night? Something about Zero G Football? No, no, no that's got that Jim Beckley Speed bloke, he shouldn't touch anything like that yet...

The infernal clanging sounds of the Skutters interrupted his thought process again. The rhythmic banging was so _smegging infuriatingly loud!_

Rimmer stormed outside and rounded on the Skutters; "Alright you _inconsiderate bastards!_ I'll have you know that I-"

Bob the Skutter cut him off by banging even louder, rhythmically, but a different one from earlier. The large crowd of Skutters bang noisily and un-co-coordinately in reply.

It was a battle cry.

The Skutters soon stopped and shot towards Rimmer, their claws making grabby-grabby motions aiming for Rimmer's light be.

Rimmer jumped, startled, horror and panic filling his face. He backed away, slowly at first, but the Skutters were actually surprisingly fast. Rimmer turned and legged-it down the hallway.

" _Hey!_ " The Cat watched with utter joy as Rimmer ran for his life from the Skutters. "What's goin' on? I wanna join!" El Skutto stopped and handed Cat one of the wooden signs and shot back off. " _Down With The Smeghead!_ " it read. The Cat gleefully ran after the Skutters.

-

Rimmer phased through another wall. He _really_ had to stop doing that, it was making him nauseous. He at least escaped the Skutters (and The Cat that turn-coat). He decided to take another walk, hopefully somewhere he could hide comfortably.

" _Mr Holly, sir_ ," Kryten's worried voice sounded from the drive room. "I am deeply worried about Mr Lister's mental health." Rimmer paused to listen in. "From what I understand, losing his friends, home planet, and entire life has been deeply traumatic for him. The loss of Mr Rimmer has been the straw to break the camels back."

Rimmer's eyes widened. He never thought of that. Why did he never think of that?

Perhaps it was because Lister survived while he perished?

Perhaps it was because he can't relate in missing those who were around him?

Perhaps because his "entire life" had been Red Dwarf and his plan to rise along the ranks?

Rimmer frowned. How could he not have noticed? Was Lister silently suffering? Lister had consoled him when he got the letter about his father's death, and here Rimmer was claiming to be falling for the man and never _once_ did he think of Lister's mental wellbeing!

"What do you suggest, Kryten?" Holly's voice replied.

"Well I-" But Rimmer didn't listen on. Instead he tuned and headed straight to the ship's Medical Unit.

-

"Hello Arnold sho nish to she you," The Medicomp greeted. "Can I help you with anyshing?"

"Yes," Rimmer hesitated. "But I have a question first."

"Oh ashk away. I will do my besht with your query."

Rimmer took a quick glance at the door and around the otherwise empty room. "...Anything we discuss will be confidential, yes?"

"Of coursh! Noshing dishcushed in thish room will leave thish room." The medibot assured.

Rimmer nodded. "Good, good."

"Unlesh I have reashon to believe you are a danger to yourshelf and others, of coursh."

"Ah yes well not to worry, that is not why I'm here."

"Good to hear. Now, what can I do to help?"

"Can you... teach me about depression and the grieving process? ...Perhaps recommend some reading material?"


	22. Chapter 22

" _Everybody come to the drive room, please, we have a situation._ " Holly's bland voice echoed all around the ship. Lister looked up from his guitar and briefly thought about ignoring it - who cares? But curiosity got the better of him. These sorts of things are not usually good. He got up, his legs feeling too heavy and cramped from prolonged sitting and headed to the drive room. Kryten, Cat and Rimmer were already in the drive room when Lister hobbled in. For some reason, he didn't realise Rimmer would be there. His body tensed defensively.

"Mr Lister, sir!" Kryten hurried over to him. "I thought I told you to stay in the gardens and try to rest!"

"I don' wanna resht, Krytes, I wanna know shat- what's goin' on." Lister had very dark circles under his red eyes, and his face looked drawn and pallid. Rimmer frowned and approached Lister to look closely.

"Lister, you look _dreadful!_ " He said in surprise.

"Pish off Rimmer." Lister said, pushing past him and closer to Holly. Rimmer followed, rounding on him.

"And you are _drunk!_ " Rimmer pointed at him accusingly. " _Why_ are you not doing what Kryten suggested?" He scolded.

" _I said pish off!_ " Lister turned to Holly, ignoring Rimmer's darkened face. "Whats the sishuasion, Holly?"

"We have detected a distress signal from another ship."

Lister and Rimmer instinctively turned to each other. They both were thinking it; this could be the mystery woman. This is it.

Lister's eyes narrowed and turned back to Holly.

"Then we go. Cat, Krytes, let's take Starbug, c'mon."

Rimmer's heart leapt into his throat. "You can't be serious?!"

"We can't jush leave 'er there, Rimmer!"

"Of course we can! You can't just- just-"

"Rimmer, yer such a _cruel_ smeg'ed!" Lister took a wobbly step towards the hologram. "We're gonna be rescuin' someone else's life! Don't be a bastard!" He turned and stormed out, briefly holding onto the wall for support. "C'mon."

"Lister, no! Wait!"

Lister ignored him.

-

In Starbug, Lister sat next to Cat in the pilot's seat.

"Lister you cannot pilot a ship in your condition!" Rimmer shouted.

"I though' a told you to _piss off!_ "

"Sir, I must agree with Mr Rimmer on this one. An intoxicated crew member should never be allowed to pilot-"

"Shhut up, Krytes, am pilotin' and that's that!" Lister forcefully pushed some buttons, fist slamming a large one and shot the ship forwards. It flew out of Red Dwarf, scraping along the side causing a small, but concerning explosion.

The start left the crew dishevelled and disorientated. Cat in particular was ruffled, his hair stuck up in all directions. He rounded on Lister.

"Alright _monkey-boy_ , you get out of that seat and let _me_ take over! Just _look_ at what you've done to my hair! How do you expect me to charm lovely ladies looking like _this!?_ "

Lister slammed his fist on the steering control, "Alright _fine!_ " He shouted and stormed off out. "But am shhil goin'!" He called back.

Rimmer ran after him. "Lister! I really think you should sit this one out, you're not fit for it!"

"How many times do I have to say piss off! I don' wanna see your shmeggin' face!"

"Lister," Rimmer tried to grab a hold of Lister's arm, "Please don't do this."

The unusually vulnerable tone made Lister pause, but he didn't look around.

"'m not ready to speak with you yet." Lister replied evenly, refusing to meet Rimmer's eyes.

-

The landing was far more dignified, The Cat had demonstrated quite a knack for piloting. The crew all exited Starbug. All bar Rimmer who couldn't physically leave Starbug without having a hologram cage set up for him - and that would be impractical.

Kryten scanned the area. "I am picking up a sign of life. According to the scanner, it is just one single life reading."

"Alrigh, let's get movin'." Lister bunched up his sleeves and strode off.

Rimmer sat uselessly at the controls, feeling more like a man awaiting to be called to the guillotine. He was going to lose Lister forever, but does he deserve to be taken back? He _never even thought_ about Lister's inner most fears and pains. What kind of _boyfriend_ doesn't think about their partner's _wellbeing?_ Rimmer scrunched up his eyes painfully and hung his head. He's now going to be forced to exist forever with Lister in a happy relationship with somebody else, complete with actual children.

He breathed in deeply; "Lister," He called through the radio in a choked voice. "Lister I'm... I'm _sorry_."

Lister paused walking and braced an outstretched hand against the nearest wall, a deep frown still present on his face. He didn't reply. This meant he was listening.

"I'm _sorry_ , Lister! Please don't go through with it." Rimmer begged.

Lister made a low angry noise. "Will you _stop_ assuming I'm gonna _cheat on you!_ " He paced unsteadily around the hallway, Kryten followed, bracing himself for the possibility of Lister falling. "Because 'm _not_ an' 'av _not done_ anythin' you shhhtupid prick!"

"Lister, I-"

" _FUCK OFF!_ "

"It's not _fair!_ I never asked for this! Av been _tryin' me best_ to get along with ye, but no- no ye haf'ta take the word of a _smegging picture_ over me!" Lister banged into the nearest room, kicking the nearest chair. It was dark and little could be seen from the hallway, but Lister didn't care.

"Mr Lister, sir!" Kryten gasped. " _Please_ , this is a laboratory, we should not be going past this door without the proper clothing. The warning sign-"

" _Laboratory? Warning sign?_ " Rimmer quickly interrupted. "Lister, _get out of there_ , you don't know what's in there!"

" _Fuck off_ , Rimmer! Ye can't trusht me te do _anythin'_. Ye can't trust me teh _smeggin breath!_ " Lister pushed some vials to the floor, an array of smashes echoed around the room.

"Lister! What the _smeg_ are you _doing_ you _mutton-headed, irresponsible nutter!_ "

"What d'ya _think_ am doin!?" Lister threw himself into a cabinet. "Am givin you a _reason_ for it!"

" _That doesn't make sense!_ "

" _You don't make sense!_ "

Lister kicked another chair and lost his balance. He stumbled backwards into an open machine with a yell, hands grasping out desperately to catch his fall, but slipped on some buttons, turning the machine on, and closing the exit.

Rimmer heard a loud crash followed by a myriad of profanities and Kryten's panicked voice.

" _Mr Lister!_ "

" _Arg! Get me out what's this?_ "

" _Sir please stay still, I will try and save you!_ "

" _Look at all the blinky lights!_ "

"What happened?" Rimmer called through, panicked. "Lister! What's going on? Are you okay?"

" _What the smeg is it scannin' me for?_ "

" _I will rescue you momentarily-_ "

" _You lookin' funny, monkey-boy!_ "

" _Jus get me out of here, Cat for smeg's sake press summert!_ "

" _I am pressing! They aint doin nothing!_ "

"Would somebody please tell me what is going on?" Rimmer called, but still received no reply. All he could hear was Lister yelling, Kryten's alarmed voice and The Cat who seemed to actually be quite startled himself by this point.

"Lister!" He shouted. " _Lister!_ "

Then Lister's voice rose higher and sounded very, _very_ scared. " _Holy sh-fuck!_ "

Rimmer shot up from his seat. "Lister! _What's going on!?_ " He yelled.

" _Spider!_ " Came Lister's terrified voice. " _Shhfuookin massive spider!_ "

" _Oh my GOD._ " The Cat cried.

"Spider? What do you mean _spider?_ "

Lister shrieked at something Rimmer couldn't see. Then he could no longer hear Lister at all. Fear shot down Rimmer's spine like iced water.

" _Lister!_ " Rimmer called. No reply. Bangs and crashes and sounds of hurried movement.

" _Lister are you there?_ " No reply. Muffled sounds of yelling, but not Lister.

" _ANSWER ME LISTER!_ "

Kryten's voice came through. " _Mr Lister fainted, sir, we are on our way back to Starbug!_ "

Rimmer calmed down a bit, but his muscles were still tensed, his hairs still standing on end and his pupils tiny, giving him the appearance of a mad man.

It felt like literal years before The Cat, Kryten and, most importantly, Lister came back aboard. The Cat flew to the controls and set Starbug going, meanwhile, Kryten lay the unconscious Lister on the nearest bed.

The crew made it out alive.

-

Rimmer stood beside Kryten as the mechonoid cleaned Lister's wounds. None deep, thank smeg. The Cat had already been looked at. Some bandages, but not so bad. Tuned out that the life sign was a mutated tarantula. It was large enough to almost fit the entire room. They're lucky they got out alive. Now they were all back in Red Dwarf's medi-bay.

Lister's fingers twitched and he aroused from unconsciousness.

"Mr Lister, sir, welcome back. Not to worry, you are perfectly safe now. No more spiders." Kryten assured him in a chipper voice.

"Yeah! You're lucky I'm so _kind!_ I had to drag your arse out!" The Cat bit out before licking his hand and smoothing his hair.

Lister groaned. "Oh me _head_ ,"

Kryten hummed. "Yes that would be a hangover. With the way you were drinking, it would be a rather bad one too. I have painkillers on standby." Kryten handed Lister some painkillers and a glass of water. Lister chugged them down.

"You really should not have been drinking like that, Lister." Rimmer said sternly.

Lister groaned. "Piss off, Rimmer. I don't wanna hear it from you."

"It is not a healthy coping mechanism, Lister."

Lister looked up in surprise. "Look who's talking Mr _Healthy Minded!_ " He bit sarcastically.

Rimmer stiffened. "Lister, I _do_ think-"

"May I interrupt, lads." Holly wheeled inside on his portable CRT.

Lister sighed and lay back down, hands over his face. "What is it, Holly?"

"I have... an unusual reading."

"Oh, well, please do share, sir." Kryten spoke, feeling somewhat awkward and needing to divert the rising animosity.

Holly hesitated. "Hang on, let me check again." He left for a few seconds and came back. "Er... once more-" He vanished again, Kryten, Cat, Lister and Rimmer glanced at each other. Holly returned again. "Alright. Dave-" Holly hesitated once more. "-I am picking you up as a pregnant lifeform."

" _Ey?_ "

" _Pardon?_ "

" _What?_ "

"Er- Sir there must be some mistake?"

"I keep on running the scan. Tried it about twenty times now. He's pregnant." Holly looked down for a moment and frowned.

"Say, what did that spider do to you?"

Lister's face drained of all blood. " _What?_ " He looked at Kryten, the panicked question in his eyes.

"Sir, not to worry." He held Lister's hand and patted it. "The spider didn't do anything of the sort."

" _He's_ pregnant? He's a _woman?_ " The Cat asked Holly, then turned to Lister. "You're a _woman?_ "

"No am not, Cat!"

" _He's_ pregnant? The _male_? With a _penis?_ " Rimmer tried to clarify.

"How do you know he's got a penis?" Holly asked.

Rimmer choked and coughed.

"Well I _do_ have a penis!" Lister cut in. "Why- _how_ can I be _pregnant?_ "

"Well we might as well run a few scans while we're here." Holly nodded to the Medi-bay equipment.

Kryten turned and pushed some buttons. A few beeps later, a reading printed out. Kryten picked it up to read. " _Ah._ "

" _Ah?_ " Rimmer asked, "Ah _what?_ "

"Well, it appears that Mr Lister," Kryten nodded at Lister, "Was born intersex."

" _Intersex?_ " Cat asked. "He has both?" He turned to Lister. "You have _both?_ "

"No I _bloody don't_ -"

"Sir you were born with a working womb." Kryten clarified.

"A working _what?_ " Rimmer asked incredulously.

"I thought you said you didn't have one?" Cat turned to Lister and accused.

"A _womb_ isn't a _bloody vagina_ , Cat!"

"That's basic anatomy, you stupid moggy."

" _Hey_." Cat pointed angrily at Rimmer. "I didn't ask about no _Anthony!_ "

"But- but _how?_ " Lister glanced at Rimmer and then back to Kryten. "You'd think that'd be something that'd come up?"

"Not necessarily." Holly piped in. "If it does not affect your health in any meaningful way, it's not something that would necessarily be addressed... or even looked for." Holly paused for a moment. "Unless we lived in some sort of weird parallel universe where it's the eggs that exit the vagina as opposed to the sperm from the penis, it's unlikely to be important-"

Lister's hand rose to run through his hair and hold his sore head.

"-also-" Holly carried on. "-nobody expected some idiot three million years into the future to go mucking about with unknown lab equipment and end up pregnant."

"You think that's what it was?" Rimmer asked.

"What else could it have been?" Holly questioned.

"Sir, if I may speculate." Kryten called for attention. "I believe that machine you fell into may have been some sort of fertility aid."

" _Fertility aid?_ "

"Well they do exist, though I have never seen one before. They were primarily used for people who struggled to get pregnant or for same-sex couples to conceive."

"But- but- who's baby am I carrying then?"

"I'm not sure, sir. We'd have to carry out a maternity test post-birth."

Lister felt sick. " _Post-birth?_ "


	23. Chapter 23

"So..."

Lister and Rimmer were now alone in the Medi-Bay (as alone as you can get with the Medicomp being technically there anyway). Kryten thought it'd be wise to shuffle everybody out and give Lister and Rimmer some alone-time. Rimmer stood facing away from Lister, while Lister sat on the bed, preferring to count all the scratches in the floor than to look at Rimmer.

"Yes..."

"There wasn't any woman then."

"No, apparently not."

A stretch of silence passed between them. Rimmer's hands twitched. Too much to say, but no idea how to say it. It rather felt like he was choking on the air between them. Words and phrases were battling each other to escape his throat, the air too heavy for them to pass.

Rimmer heard Lister shuffle uncomfortably behind him and one word escaped the tangled mass;

"Sorry."

The word cut through the thick air, clearing a small pathway.

"Rimmer, I just-"

"Lister, I-"

Silence again.

"Bit of a mess this, innit?" Lister hunched over and held his face in his hands and sighed heavily "I can't believe I'm smegging _pregnant._ " He moaned.

Rimmer tentatively turned around to face him, seeing Lister so distressed made him want to say something reassuring. He bounced on his feet nervously, hands twitching at his sides wanting to reach out, as useless as they'd probably be. He decided, for once, to go for it.

"Lister I just want to say..." He took a shy step forward. "-that no matter what happens, I will... be there for you." He looked down as Lister looked up, avoiding eye contact. "If you'd take me back."

Lister sighed, "Rimmer, I just-"

Rimmer's heart stopped. That sounded like the beginning of a rejection. Rimmer was quick to snap and hurried forward on his knees, a desperate look in his eyes, a look Lister had seen not so long ago. " _I'm sorry!_ I'm so, _so sorry!_ I thought you were going to leave me like everybody else in my life has done! Please, God, just tell me what I can do to make it up to you! _Anything!_ "

Lister just stared for a beat, shocked and thinking of what to say. Which was rather hard considering he was hungover. He wasn't expecting this. Any of this. Everything from the moment he came out of stasis, to asking Rimmer to be his boyfriend, to being impregnated.

In the end, Lister deliberately slid down off the bed and kneeled with Rimmer on the floor. He spoke slowly. "I will take you back-" Rimmer's eyes widened in shock. "- _But_ , you'll have to give me a while." Lister played with the hem of his shirt. "It really hurt, man."

"Yes- yes of course. I'm sorry." Rimmer agreed, careful not to reach out and touch him.

"Honestly... I didn't know what I was expectin'." Lister spoke, staring down at their knees. "I do get it, ya know? I mean how _else_ would have I got two kids? I just-" Lister played with a lose strand on his shirt button. "Doin' summert like that wasn't what I wanted to do. I didn't - I _don't_ \- want to cheat on you-" He took a breath.

"-Out of everythin, though," Lister continued. "-getting meself pregnant was the last possibility on me mind. It wasn't even _in_ me mind. It was _nowhere near_ me mind."

"I will help you." Rimmer rushed to assure him. "Whatever you need- whatever- anything- I'll do _anything_." He pleaded. "Anything to make you happy."

Lister thought for a moment. "It's not just for the pregnancy, you do realise, Rimmer?"

"Yes."

"It will be forever."

"Yes."

"Is... is forever what you want?"

"...Yes." The word slipped through Rimmer's mouth easy, shocking even himself.

Lister swallowed thickly, the implication hung heavy between them. The button of Lister's shirt pulled off and fell unnoticed from his hand. He stared into Rimmer's hazel eyes. They were silently pleading, words unsaid swirling around and around. The vulnerable look in them assured Lister that this was wasn't a lie. It was something he meant.

" _Oh._ "

Lister just breathed for a moment, considering, his eyes slid from Rimmer's down to his flushed cheeks, around his clenching-and-unclenching jaw and onto his lips. Lister's heart thumped wildly. The room had rose to an unbearable temperature. His eyes flickered back to Rimmer's and he nodded.

"Okay."

Lister swallowed again and breathed in sharply, and nodded more, uselessly repeating. "Okay." He stood up, Rimmer following quickly. Lister pulled nervously on his shirt and hugged his chest and stared at Rimmer's shoes.

Rimmer didn't know where to put his hands; twiddling them, holding them straight at his sides, clasping them behind his back.

"We-" Lister's throat was tight and made his words sound low and rough. "We should probably go back, yeah?"

Rimmer nodded.

-

The pair walked slowly down the hallways, both silently lost in their own thoughts. Lister had his hands in his pockets, slouching, staring at the floor below. Rimmer held straight, hands behind his back and staring forwards. Neither wanted to look at the other.

Eventually, however, Lister cleared his throat.

"Your um- the corruption."

Rimmer blinked and frowned. "I'd... forgotten about that." He admitted.

Lister nodded. "Yeah. I er- meant to tell you that Holly was actually messing with ye."

Rimmer stopped walking, Lister paused also. "What?" He asked.

"Well, actually he was messing with us both." Lister shrugged.

"Us both? You mean my clothes vanishing...?"

"Was Holly taking the smeg, yes." He rubbed the back of his neck.

"And I never actually got more impulsive?"

Lister shook his head. "No."

Rimmer frowned at the wall for a moment.

" _Holly!_ " He called.

Holly appeared on the nearest monitor. He frowned at Lister. " _Grass_."

Lister shrugged almost apologetically.

"Is this _true?_ " Rimmer demanded.

"It might possibly be sort-of ish-ish true."

"And you did it for _what_ reason?"

"...No reason in particular." Holly denied.

"He said he knew ye liked me and that he likes romcoms." Lister blabbed.

" _Oi!_ " Holly said offended.

"Holly that was _humiliating!_ " Rimmer pointed an accusing finger at the computer. "Don't you think for _one second_ you will get away with that!"

"It was funny, though, you have to admit." Holly said unconcerned.

"Funny? _Funny?_ Holly you almost gave me a heart attack on _several occasions!_ "

"...I was only trying to help."

" _Help?_ " Rimmer shouted incredulously. "You think stealing my clothes in public is _help?_ "

"Well it worked, dinnit?" He nodded to Lister.

Lister flushed when Rimmer looked at him. Lister coughed. "Well... You are, you know... sexy."

Rimmer didn't know what to say. He settled for unconsciously touching his chest through his shirt.

Lister raised his head questioningly. "What's that noise?" Lister asked.

Rimmer listened to the distant banging and punk protest music and and snorted. "Oh, that'd be the Skutter protests."

Lister turned to Rimmer. "Skutter protests?"

"Arnold's been giving them a bit of a nasty time while you've been away." Holly explained.

Lister frowned disapprovingly at Rimmer. "What have I told you? They will respect you more if you're nice to them!"

Rimmer straightened and crossed his arms. "They won't learn to improve otherwise."

Lister rolled his eyes and walked towards the noise. "C'mon. Let's get this straightened out."

-

When the two got to the hallway the noise was originating from - their hallway with their room, it transpired - they were met with the walls full of graffiti. Graffiti _everywhere_. Everything from crude depictions of Rimmer, to slogans, to protest song lyrics, to actual statistical facts and figures about Rimmer's behavior (who's been taking note?). They had also toilet-papered the whole area. there admittedly wasn't much for the paper to hold onto, but the sheer amount of paper used was impressive.

In the distance, the far distance, just outside of their room-

Was the Skutters.

They were now kitted out in punk gear; chain piercings through their claws, graffiti on their bodies, plastic-bristle mohawks atop their heads, spiky dog collars...

Their ring leader, Bob the Skutter, was wearing a ripped-sleeve denim jacket pinned to his body. The jacket was filled with slogans and symbols.

Many were holding protest signs.

El Skutto was holding a boombox blasting the Sex Pistols.

Stabbim was brandishing a large kitchen knife.

Every Skutter had thick black angry markings where their eyes would be if they were organic, making them look really quite unnerving.

Lister walked tentatively up to the Skutters. "Hey guys," He greeted. "What's goin' on?" Rimmer followed behind (literally hiding behind).

Madge the Skutter rolled up and handed Lister a letter, he read it out loud.

" _Lister, we love you_ ,"

Lister paused, touched. "Aw thanks guys!"

" _But your association with Rimmer has left us no choice,_ "

Lister shifted, growing concerned at how close Stabbim was.

" _We are declaring war on all humans and former-humans of Red Dwarf._ "

" _Until a deal has been made... JUSTICE FOR SKUTTERS!_ "

At that the Skutters all started banging on the walls manically. Lister and Rimmer backed up slowly. One of the front Skutters turned their protest sign around to read. " _GET THEM!_ "

The Skutters charged at Rimmer and Lister, both men whirled around and screamed loudly as they pounded down the hallway, Lister slamming onto the walls as he turned the corners.

" _Lister!_ " Rimmer shouted, " _Over this way!_ " He turned into another hallway, Lister followed. Rimmer paused at the Cat entrance. "In there! _Quickly!_ "

Lister didn't need to be told twice; he dove into the hole and began shuffling through at surprising speed.

Rimmer, meanwhile, held his middle finger up at the incoming Skutters and made a nasty face, before he vanished through the wall.

This was not over.

\---

Note:

Is anybody familiar with Short Circuit 2? That film is my inspiration here lmfao


End file.
